I'm at Panera...after the day I've had (or created, if you will), I figured some "chocolate pastry therapy" was just what the doctor (me) ordered.
The day didn't start off well. I woke up in a bit of a stupor. I took something to help me sleep last night and it never quite wore off properly until after noon. So, needless to say, I was crabby all morning. I was short and impatient with the kids, and I was angry with myself for being short and impatient with the kids. Then, just before noon, I got the call that our final offer on my dream house/property had been rejected. So I stewed about that for a while, wallowing in self-pity. Then, while I was cooking dinner, the smoke alarm went off. I'm not sure why because nothing was burning. The smoke alarm freaked the dog out so much that she pooped all over the family room. While I was cleaning up as much as I could in a hurry, the stir fry noodles got way overcooked and turned to mush. While all of this was going on, the kids were running around in circles playing "Tag" in the living room...they weren't doing anything bad, really, but I was so tired, crabby and upset that I was just done.
That's when poor Sean walked in the door from work. Let's all say it together..."Poor Sean." Seriously, the guy puts up with enough from me. He gave me a hug which I accepted stiffly, and while he happily ate the mush I made for dinner and chatted with the kids, I wallowed some more. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve my family.
Before I left the house to head to Panera, I asked Sean for a hug. He hugged me tight and asked if I was okay. Of course, I said, "No. I'm really, really disappointed." He asked, "What did the house represent to you?" Hmmmm...not sure why he asked that, and, at the moment, I wasn't sure what exactly to answer, but on the way here to Panera, it came to me. The house represented the dream of security. It represented knowing where we were going to rest our heads for the rest of our lives and where we could put down permanent roots. While I love my home right now and it means the world to me, I know that it's not where we're going to live for our whole lives. It's got too many floors and no land. It's a "first home" for us.
I KNOW God is going to provide his best for us and I could say it over and over in my head, but I'd still be disappointed about this. I think it's okay to feel what you feel, as long as you don't wallow. I know I was wallowing a little today, so I'm going to cut that out. I'm just going to feel what I feel (sad and disappointed) for a little while. It'll all be okay in the end.
I think what I'm going to learn out of this is that I have a tendency to look outside of God for my security and that's wrong. Yes, I look to him. Yes, I trust him. Yes, I know he has my best interests at heart. But I also know that I want to feel security--to feel like I really have nothing to worry about. For all my big talk about trusting him, which I do as much as I can in my own power, I know that I've not yet reached the place where I trust him fully. I want to get there.
God, help me to trust you. Help me to know that you're looking out for me. Help me to remember that you see the full roadmap and I only see the next few feet ahead. I am making myself ready for whatever you want to do with me, as much as I can in my human heart. While I'm sad and I'm disappointed, help me to remember all of the blessings I have and that they've all come from you. I'll never be able to thank you enough for all you've done for me.
I'm grateful for...
Learning. Sometimes, even if it's difficult, I have to remember that I can learn something from every situation. In a way this is a death of a dream, for now...MY little dream. God's dream for me, though, is so much bigger than this and beyond what I could imagine. I'm grateful that he's taking this opportunity to remind me of that.
Emotions. I used to stop myself from getting too excited about things because I didn't want to be disappointed. I chose to look at things with NO expectations rather than full expectations because I hated to be disappointed. God has been teaching me that if I hold myself back from feeling, even if it means running the risk of being disappointed or let down, I can never fully love anyone, and I can never fully receive what he has for me. God, don't let that happen to me. I want to feel and I want to risk disappointment if it means I can experience the joy of love and the excitement of expectation. This situation has shown me that I'm beginning to get past my pride and the fear of letting other people and outside circumstances controlling my emotions. I allowed myself to be excited and expectant. I ended up getting disappointed (for now), but it doesn't make me want to stop expecting. God GAVE me emotions for a reason. While everything's not always peachy, I love the beauty of feeling and I'm grateful that I can feel. I used to feel dead and that's changing.
Easter is coming. It's another chance for me to remember that there are bigger things than my problems. I have the deepest gratitude for what Jesus did for me and I'm looking forward to celebrating the freedom I have because of his sacrifice.
Beautiful weather is on the way. The gray isn't helping me today. Yeah, "excuses, excuses"...I know.
A lovely Sunday with friends. We spent the day in Washington, D.C. seeing the cherry blossoms and doing lots of walking around the city. It's one of my favorite cities. It was fun. It was relaxing and I'm glad to have experienced it again.
My hope for you is that you don't shut yourself down. Feel. Life is too short to allow your pride to rule you. Most people who don't like feeling deeply or showing their emotions are that way because they think that feeling is giving up control...and it is. They are too proud to let people think that they are giving up control.
They're often the same way with God. They let him have control to a point and then they take over the reins from there. I can say all of these things because I've experienced them. I've lived in that pride. But I've wept, I've laughed and I've openly expected more in the last year since I started my gratitude journey than I have in any of the years since childhood.
There's something about learning to experience the emotion of gratitude that begins to connect you with all of your other emotions. Gratitude has connected me with my passion and fire for life. It's connected me with the desire to continue living a fuller existence. It's helped me to realize how I've been cutting myself off from life for so long because my control was more important to me than really, truly living. I done with cutting myself off from life. I will allow myself to trust God's intentions. I will allow myself to be led like a sheep, as long as God is the one leading me. I will allow myself to be open to people around me because he promised to put trustworthy people in my life and show me who they are...and who they aren't. He's been faithful to keep his end of the bargain. I'm learning to be faithful in mine.