A square peg. An alien in a "Sarah suit". That's me.
It's an almost-daily feeling of not fitting in or of being a "stranger in a strange land"--not one of the "in crowd". I know I've talked about it before, probably many times. There have been seasons where I really wanted to feel like I fit in where I was. In the past, I struggled with the pain of being misunderstood or misjudged, especially by people whom I respected. I also still have times where I've realized that some of the deepest connections I have are with people who live on what feels like (or what actually IS) the other side of the world.
But I sometimes get the thought that maybe I feel this way for a reason. Maybe I'm not meant to "belong" all the time because God is teaching me that this isn't my home. All the attachments and things of this world can be great, but they can also take my focus off of the fact that I shouldn't get too comfortable here. The song "I Don't Belong Here" by Switchfoot kind of says it all for me. It's about trying so hard to fit in until you realize that you don't belong here. Earth, as it is now, isn't my final destination--that thought can take some of the pressure off. Life is just practice for eternity.
This is the way I can best describe how I feel: If you've ever seen the movie "Men in Black", you'll remember the part where the alien takes over Edgar's body because it needs a human disguise. His wife describes it as an alien in an "Edgar suit". THAT is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. I feel like an alien trying to fit into a human body, my "Sarah suit", and trying to awkwardly move about my life as a human. I just don't fit in sometimes.
I'm so grateful, though, for God. If it weren't for Him and for the sanity and peace that has come with learning my place in His heart, I think I would have gone off the deep end. In the end, it'll be about how you are with God that will count. It's not about your good deeds or how many friends you have or how much money you hoard. It's about who you are and who He is. Everything else in life comes from that one thought...it's all about Him.
I'm grateful for...
Learning to shut up. I know I've said it before, but I'll probably say it again a few million times. God knows what he's doing. Even if I'm "right" in a situation, there are times when it's just best to let God talk to another person. It happened again, and (once again) God told me to shut up and I did. Even thought it killed me to do it, I kept my mouth shut and waited. In the end, even though I would have been "right" in the situation, I wouldn't have been heard. God knew.
My "Sarah suit"...I am who I am. If you don't like me, that's okay. God likes me. I may be an alien in this human suit, but I know that I'm part of HIS beloved. He loves me with an everlasting love and he has put me here for a reason. I am trying not to lose sight of that.
Happy kids. My boys may have moments where they are hyper or emotional or tired or cranky, but they are happy kids. I'm blessed.
Springtime. The Earth is green again. The rain smells amazing...it's almost like you can feel things growing.
I love Spring. Can ya tell?
Sleepless nights. Yeah, it's almost 4am and I am awake with heartburn and a lot on my mind. But I'm letting go of the things on my mind (and hopefully the heartburn, as well) and I'll be back to sleep soon.
Writing. If I go a while without letting things out, I notice that I get cranky. I'm not good at vocalizing my thoughts, so writing is how I do it. I shouldn't go any length of time without putting my gratitude into words and I plan to get better at it again.
Work. It's that time of year again! I'm stirring up my creative juices and my schedule is filling up. God knows when I reach the point where I need a creative outlet. Winter is usually slow for me in MANY ways. I love taking photos and I'm glad I get to do it once in a while. Every time I go somewhere on a photo job, I always pray that I (and my photos) will be a blessing to whomever has hired me.
I hope you know that it's okay to be an alien in a human suit...it's who you are, so it's likely that you'll come to that realization once in a while. This is only part of your journey. You don't know what lies around the bend, so do your best to enjoy your daily life. Live at peace, focus on God and you can't go wrong. Bad things may happen sometimes, but they will pass.