I am taking a "Sarah Time Out" today. I am alone this evening. I'm listening to soothing music and contemplating some things. If I ramble, which I likely will, feel free to stop reading...I'm just thinking while typing. I have mentioned before that I've been feeling like something is tugging at me. I've been testy with people I love. I've been hyper-sensitive about nothing. I'm happy deep inside. I'm content. I just feel like there's something coming...not sure what. I don't know why I'm so hyper-sensitive or snarky, but I tend to get this way when I'm confronted with change. As many of you who have read my blogs know, even if it's a good change, I get uncomfortable in the time leading up to whatever it is.
So I'm taking a bit of a time out this evening. I haven't written my gratitudes in a week. I've thought about doing it every day. I have so much for which I am incredibly thankful. The only way I can think to describe the feeling I'm having is that I feel all rumbly in my spirit...like a thunder storm is approaching. I LOVE thunder storms, so whatever it is isn't making me feel apprehensive. I just feel like I'm in that limbo state or the calm before the storm, where I can smell the rain coming, I can feel the wind blowing and I can hear the thunder in the distance, but I haven't seen any of the staggering effects of the storm as of yet.
The other night, I had a dream that I was a student on a school bus, but suddenly there was no driver, no other passengers, just me. I didn't know how to drive a bus, but I was sitting alone in this bus on the side of the road, so I decided to try driving because no one else was there to do it. Somehow, as soon as I sat in the driver's seat, it all came to me and I apparently knew immediately how to drive a school bus. I was making turns, shifting gears and rumbling down the road like a pro. I don't know what the dream meant for me, but I remember it vividly. It was the second school-related dream I had this week. The other I thought was about Liam, but something is making me think that it was for me, as well.
I find that when big changes are about to happen in my life, I get vivid dreams. Once, I dreamed that I was about to leave for a party (it seemed like Prom in the dream). The problem was that I didn't have the right shoes to wear. From what I recall of the dream, though, I didn't find the shoes until I just decided to get into the limo to go to the prom anyway. There was something about the act of just doing it that made the right shoes appear...I've had lots of dreams like this and, as I said, they happen most often right before big changes have happened in my life.
Another time, I dreamed I was unexpectedly placed in a contest of some sort. I was supposed to showcase a talent, but I couldn't think of anything to do and I was freaked out. But I heard the words, "Just worship." So I looked around, and saw a Christian band I knew setting up on another stage. I went to them and asked if they'd play a specific song for me as I sang, and they agreed. When the music started and I opened my mouth to sing, it was like a blanket of God's presence fell--people were weeping and I was floored by the heaviness of God's love. But it was only when I stepped out into the unknown or into the area in which I felt inexperienced or unsure that I was able to see the effects of my obedience to God.
Stepping out in faith--that's the one thing that all of these dreams I'm having have in common. Maybe God is calling me to a place where he's making me ready to listen to whatever he asks of me...maybe I'm not there yet and he's preparing me. I don't know.
I feel like something powerful is about to happen, though, and I don't think it's just for me. I think now is the time to make my life right. I don't mean "getting right with God" or whatever you'd call it, but I do mean that I think God is calling me to connect with my life as it is right now and make right whatever parts of it I can. Maybe I'm supposed to learn to control my tongue and all the other things that I often let have control over me. Maybe now is the time for me to engage myself with life, to really learn what it's like to savor it and taste it and immerse myself in it. I feel that whatever is about to happen will pass me by if I'm not at the place where I'm truly experiencing life rather than just blankly existing.
About 5 years ago, I had what I could call a "vision" during a conference I was attending (I shared it with my parents afterward). In the vision, I was standing beside the ocean and watching the water recede. Far out in the distance, miles away, I could see a giant wave developing (if you've seen the movie 2012, that's the kind of wave I'm talking about), but, as happens with tsunamis or tidal waves, the water near the shore was quickly being sucked out into the ocean. As the water receded, disgusting garbage, debris and sediment that had been hidden under the water was surfacing. It smelled terrible and I couldn't believe the amount of things had been just under the covering of the ocean, things I would never have seen otherwise. But I knew that when the big wave came, all the garbage and debris was going to be destroyed and washed away. I remember having a feeling of relief at the realization that the wave was going to wash all of that junk away. In the years that have followed that vision, I've watched as different debris and junk has surfaced in the Christian community--strange doctrines, ministers falling away from God, people beginning to focus on things other than Jesus. All of it is junk and I feel that whatever is coming is going to wipe all of that out. God is going to show that he's the one in control, not us. I'm all for that.
There's something untameable about God. We can try to put him in a box. We can try to make him fit into our weekly church services with our pretty-sounding worship. We can try to make him look like the neat little package we think he "should" look like in order to attract unbelievers. But God, in all of his beauty, has a side to him that may not appear too pretty to all of us "churched" people. He's wild. "He's not a tame lion", like Aslan in "The Chronicles of Narnia". He can't be domesticated by us. Sometimes the things he does can't be explained or packaged or made pretty. We have to stop trying to tame the untameable lion. I am realizing that I have to stop trying to tame him, too.
My hope for you is that you realize that God, in all of his untameable wildness, loves you fiercely. If you put your future in his hands and step out in faith whenever he calls you, you will not be disappointed. All he calls us to do is to be like children. Children are okay with wildness, in fact, it fascinates and excites them. I want to be fascinated with God and excited about what he's going to do. I'm starting to make myself ready for whatever change is going to happen, as best I can.
I'm thankful that he's speaking to me. I'm thankful that life is staggeringly beautiful and wonderful and that it's an adventure. Even during the times I've been in the doldrums, I've felt the promise and the occasional tug of hope and excitement because God has never left me to die. There are times, though, when he's let me dangle for a while (thinking that I'm in control) so that I would come to the place where I'd realize it was best just to let go of my false sense of control and fall right into his ready arms. Whatever it is that I am feeling is on the horizon, I know that God won't let me be overwhelmed and that he'll guide me to the safe haven. He'll do the same for you in whatever circumstances are on your horizon. He is faithful.