Heart in the Clouds

Sunday, November 14, 2010

You have to read this...

It's not gratitude-related, but it made me laugh. I used to write update e-mails during my first pregnancy. I'd send them to all of my family and friends, so reading this really took me back and made me smile. Enjoy.
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Hey, there!

Well, folks, once again it is time for the monthly e-mail regarding the amazing and wonderful Colligan baby! Please keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times...The roller coaster is about to leave the station. I know you have all been waiting on the edge of your computer desk chairs, clamboring for more information regarding uteruses, placentas and such. Yes, it has been a month since the last e-mail. I can't believe it.

Anyway, as is usually the case when I write one of these e-mails, I have just returned from the doctor. This time, as is also the norm, I went bearing two questions, one of which I forgot. So, I asked her the burning question every pregnant woman wants to know...namely, "How long do you let people go overdue nowadays?" Her answer wasn't too inspiring. She said, "Only 10 days, so you should actually think of that as your due date." Okay...ummmm...HUH?! What is THAT about? But, she calmed my fears by saying, "Hey, you never know, he could come early..." to which she added a little evil chuckle. All I have to say about that is HA HA...very funny, lady.

So, they weighed me...another UGH! See, my stupid scale at home told me I have only gained about 4-5 pounds since my last doctor visit. However, I didn't realize that, since the scale came from IKEA, it likely came with a little Swedish instruction manual, which, as usual, I didn't read, that held the formula for figuring out my ACTUAL weight. The formula is basically this: WHAT THE SCALE SAYS + 10 BILLION POUNDS= MY ACTUAL WEIGHT. Yes, folks, the water weight gain is catching up to me.

We listened to the baby's heartbeat, as we normally do. OR I should say that we ATTEMPTED to listen to the baby's heartbeat as we normally do. However, since this is MY child, he doesn't like to sit still. So, every time the doctor would put the monitor to my belly, the baby would punch it and then quickly move out of the way. Smart kid! Already trying to get out of going to the doctor's office. So, we heard snatches of his heartbeat mixed with loud punching noises. The doctor exclaimed, "Wow! He's very responsive, isn't he? A very active child!" Ha Ha...I'd like her to be there at three in the morning saying that when the baby decides to have his wild house parties and play BABY TWISTER!

Also, we found out that the baby is now in a "head-down" position. So, in the last month, he moved from being lengthwise across my abdomen to now having his head pointed downward. Also, since this is Sean's baby, as well, this means that his legs are as long as sequoia trees. So, whenever the baby decides to stretch his legs, that usually means he is stretching into my stomach, my diaphragm or outward from under my ribs. When he does this, you can see these big bumps poking out of the top of my belly and moving around. It's pretty cool...even at 3 in the morning. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

So, on Monday morning around 1am, Canadian Thanksgiving Day, the first of my pregnant friends actually went through with it! She gave birth to an ACTUAL, REAL baby! OMIGOSH! Let me just say that this makes things much more real. From the sound of things, she was originally wanting to go "natural," but one of the first things her husband said to me when I saw him was, "GET THE DRUGS!" Seems like her labour was so long that she was ready for narcotics when they finally admitted her to the hospital. What have I been telling you, folks? IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DRUGS! So, anyway, congratulations Bebbie and Sasha on the birth of Lily. I can't wait to see her.

We finished our Prenatal class. I'd have to say that one of the most memorable classes, aside from Fernando (the guy who is embarrassed about uteruses and cervixes and grossed out by any mention of body fluids) watching the graphic birthing video, was the one where we watched Nuno give a demonstration of how to bathe a newborn. If you don't know Nuno Marques, you may not think it's too funny, but let me just say that Sean and I and Nuno's wife, Amanda, were in tears (no, not from fear, necessarily, but from laughter).

First of all, the teacher hands Nuno a Cabbage Patch doll, complete with bright yellow yarn hair. Then she says, "Okay, Nuno what do you do next?" Okay, there was no actual water in the little bathtub, but if there had been, what Nuno did with the baby would have caused a huge splash. So, SPLASH!!!!, the baby goes gently into the water, making sure that she gradually gets used to the temperature...So, then, the teacher says to Nuno, "Uh-oh, Nuno, the phone is ringing. What do you do?" The next thing we know, the Cabbage Patch doll is planted safely face-down in the bathtub and Nuno runs for the phone. You should have seen the look on the teacher's face. Then, it came time to dry the baby. The teacher said to Nuno, "Now we need to take the baby out of the bathtub and dry her off." So, Nuno takes her by the legs and THWACK!!! the baby is gently placed, plastic head first, on the table as Nuno gently begins to dry her. Nuno was great! I have to say that he's going to be a great father.

The other great part of the class was the breastfeeding demonstration. The teacher threw a pile of baby dolls and stuffed animals into the middle of the floor and it was a free-for-all as everyone, including the men, ran to pick a baby to breastfeed. Sean picked two little stuffed gingerbread people, so he could try the twin baby thing. So, the teacher asks us to hold the babies a certain way and then proceeds to show us, using herself as the example, how to make what is very technically known as "A Breast Sandwich." Hmmmm...Well, at that, Sean and Nuno start doing that little-boy-in-health-class chuckle that you know is only going to end in disaster. I won't go on from there, but you have to assume that seeing Sean and Nuno making the aforementioned "Breast Sandwich," giggling all the way, was truly a moment to remember. I wish I had had a camera for that one.

Anyway, from here on out, I will be going to the doctor every two weeks until the last couple of weeks where I will go every week. It's getting closer, folks. Less than two months. I'm excited, I'm nervous and I'm happy. Sean talks to my belly every day and he always tells the baby how much he loves him. It's really cute. I know that Sean's going to be a great father. Also, the dog has a little thing where I tell her to kiss the baby and she nuzzles my belly with her nose. It's cute.

Whoo!....just had a big knee bulge!...everyone say hi to the baby!

Well, that's it for now. I'll fill you in, once again, on all the lovely details of pregnancy in another couple of weeks. I hope you have enjoyed your adventure in Baby Land on the Pregnancy Roller Coaster. I'm glad you didn't throw up in the loops...those G-forces can do a number on your stomach.

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