Deconstructing a Life

This post was written in 2021, and since my deconstruction began (I did not choose it, and neither do most people who have deconstructed) I have faced a lot of fears and long-held beliefs that I now realize after much thought, introspection, and research were not correct. By no means am I "complete," and I don't think I ever will be in the area of faith deconstruction. There are a lot of moving parts, and there is a lot to work on, including the effects of purity culture and religious trauma. So, if you're reading this post, know that I was in the beginning stages of what I now know will be a lifelong journey. 

Love, Sarah

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I'm deconstructing.

If you know what it is, you're probably in it, too, or you've already been through it. I've realized I'm entering into a deconstruction phase in pretty much every major area of my life. It started years ago, when pieces started falling out of the structures that were built for me, the things I always saw as "definites." I denied them and built up braces and retaining walls to hold everything in place, even though the structures didn't really belong to me because I had no hand in building them. But they were comfortable, even though they weren't mine.

Those retaining walls are now crumbling. 

It's happening all at once, and I can't stop the avalanche. I just have to be open and ride the wave of debris that is now tumbling. I can't outrun it anymore. 

It's not pretty. But it's real.

I'm just in the beginning stages, where I am allowing myself to think, feel, ask, agree and disagree, research, listen, and read. As I said, it's happening in every area of my existence. It's not necessarily a rejection of the major constructs in my life. But it's an acceptance that it's time to let everything come apart, so I can put the pieces that fit back together. I've been trying to make some pieces of the puzzle fit for most of my life, but I couldn't understand why I kept trying to no avail. Perhaps they're just not meant to fit.

Deconstruction is a process of grieving--yes, there are stages, and they're almost all painful. It's a process of questioning. It's a process of disillusionment and allowing yourself to feel and express anger. It's a process of opening yourself up to childlikeness--the freedom to ask hard questions with an open heart, some without easy answers. It's believing that you are lovable, even if others don't understand you or accept your feelings as valid. It's allowing yourself to have feelings, positive or negative, however they manifest themselves.

But I think that, unless you go through this process at some point, your faith (or lack of faith), or even your life, will never be your own. You will always feel like you are living someone else's life, someone else's faith, someone else's reality, and you'll feel obligated to keep up the facade of having it all together. 

You'll always feel like an imposter.

Some people find a new level of faith through deconstruction. Some people lose it. I think we find what we are meant to find if we are seekers.

I was standing in the shower today with tears streaming down my face. This deconstruction period has emptied my reservoir, and I'm seeing all the trash that was thrown in the water over my lifetime. Some of the trash is mine, but most of it is stuff I picked up from other people--things I accepted and made to be truths that were not meant for me. Deconstruction is part demolition and part trash pickup.

Here are just a few of the issues I've seen coming up in me recently:

• I have never been able to truly receive love or to love myself as I am
• I have never felt like I had ownership of myself or agency over my own life
• My faith has never felt like it's really been my own
• I have never felt "good enough" or had a sense of belonging
• I normally live (or lived) my life according to obligation, not according to actual wants and needs
• I have had questions I was afraid to ask or get answers to
• I don't feel worthy or like I belong anywhere
• I keep most people at arm's length, especially if they are in any position to hurt me

None of these issues are easy ones. Are they life or death? No. But they hit me at the core of my being. They are issues that have to do with the deepest parts of my heart--the places where no one else is allowed to go.

I think what hit me today, emotionally, was how much time I have wasted throughout my life not being my authentic self. I wasted time worried about what other people would think, when, really, no amount of worrying can change what people think of me. I always considered myself to be a "what-you-see-is-what-you-get" type of person. But, really, I'm a "what-I-want-you-to-see-is-what-you-get" type of person. My therapist says that, until now, I've been very calculating about my vulnerability. I let people see the guarded version of me, and allow them to think it's the truly vulnerable, authentic version. It's not.

The vulnerable, raw version of Sarah, however, is a rare sight. Most people will never see it because I curate what I feel is a palatable list of qualities, and that is what I show to the world. I've always done that. 

In the past, I kept up the appearance of being the happy pastor's kid, the cheerful college girl, the compliant pastor's wife, the relaxed young mom. None of those were really me. I didn't trust anyone, especially not church people--so much so that I occasionally had church people exclaim that they didn't think I ever had any problems when I would open up about my struggles. I didn't truly trust my heart being in anyone else's hands. I guarded myself from everyone, especially if I ever got an inkling they could ever hurt me.

I understand now, though, that I can't ever really love myself unless I open up to trusting other people to know me and love me, too--the real me. As someone who never really individuated or took the time to find who I was and appreciate that before I started climbing the ladder of accepted life milestones, I am just now finding it to be a necessity. I MUST learn to accept and love myself. I MUST find a place in my heart for understanding faith and what it means for me, not for anyone else. I MUST learn to be the real, authentic me, wherever I am.

Deconstruction can happen at any time in any part of your life. Sometimes it's a choice. Other times, as it has been for me, it starts as a trickle of little questions. Then the avalanche happens, and you just have to let it happen. I realize I've wasted too much time not being me. I don't want to do that anymore.

One of my friends who knows what I'm going through sent me this song and said the last part made them think of me. I get sad when I think about how many people waste their lives on trying to be something or someone they're not, just to make everyone else comfortable. I don't want that to be me.

The wind blows clear my memory
The pages start to turn
Then suddenly I'm singin'
The moment that I learn

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days, I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
Then I'm gonna smile a little
Maybe even laugh a little but
One of these days I'm gonna love me

--Tim McGraw 

"One of These Days"