THE HATCHING OF A HEART

What makes a person "Pro-Life?"

2012-01-25T19:49:00.000-08:00

I hesitated (more than a couple of times) before clicking "Publish" on this blog post.

There are lots of questions and thoughts I've had swirling around in my mind over the last while about the topic of abortion and what being "pro-life" really means. Attending the March for Life earlier this week brought some of them to the forefront for me, and my husband told me I should blog about them. So here I am. I'm working through my feelings on this topic.

Some people may be offended. Some may not. Some may agree with me. Others won't. I know that, and that's okay.

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This week, I took part in the March for Life. It takes place every year in January to commemorate the Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion. There were around 500,000 people there (despite what the news media said...or didn't say).

I bet if you asked around at the rally, most of the people there would say that they are "pro-life." But I think if you look at it realistically, a majority of those people are really "anti-abortion," not "pro-life."

There's a difference.

You see, nominal pro-lifers--usually Conservatives (but not always)--tout the sanctity of human life. However, I can't reconcile the fact that many are so passionate about protecting an unborn child, but they are fine with murdering that child when he's grown into a criminal on death row. That's not pro-life.

A human life is a human life. If we say we truly believe in the sanctity of human life, that means we don't get to pick and choose between who we save and who we murder.

For the record, there is no difference in my heart between those who are pro-abortion and those who are pro-death penalty. You're killing a human being either way. I love you, but I don't agree with you.

It's that whole "thou shalt not kill" thing that I take seriously, I guess. I don't believe it's right to return evil for evil.

Yes, I know it's the law in some states, but that doesn't make it right in my heart. Yes, when you break the law in a particular state, you bear the consequences that come with that crime. If the consequence is death, it's death. Not much you can say to that...but, again, that doesn't make the issue right in my heart, and I refuse to vote for someone who boasts about the number of executions his state has carried out (I won't name names).

(Aside from all of this is the number of death row inmates who have been found not be guilty of the crimes they had supposedly committed. How many innocent people have been murdered because of our need for the "eye for an eye"?)

I was having this "pro-life vs. anti-abortion" discussion with one of my friends the other day and she asked me how I would feel if one of those murderers killed my child. If I'm honest, my first instinct as a mother would be to kill him. That's my vengeful human nature. I would probably hold hate in my heart. I would probably try to think of the most horrifying, painful ways I could carry out my revenge. That's my sinful nature, though.

That's not what God would want me to do.

I hope that if something like that were to ever happen to me or to someone I love that I would eventually find God's grace to be sufficient. I hope that I would realize that I have been forgiven much. I hope that I would allow God to love through me, despite my urges to exact revenge. I know I would hurt deeply for the rest of my life, but I hope that I would at least be able to let go of the desire to return evil for evil.

On top of the issue of "pro-life vs. anti-abortion", many of those protesting don't seem to think of all the issues that surround abortion.

Okay, so we change a teenage girl's mind and convince her not to abort her child. Then we pat ourselves on the back for our valiant efforts and drop the situation there.

What happens to this child?

If his mother keeps him, does he live in poverty? Is he on welfare? Does he have access to health care? Does he have the opportunity for a quality education?

If his mother decides she can't keep him, where does he go--into an already overrun foster care system? If he stays too long in the system, we all know it's unlikely he will be adopted. The sad truth.

We want to save the babies, but not take care of them as they grow up.

So YAY! Good on us for saving a human life...but, truthfully, we aren't doing anyone any favors because we aren't making sure that child we "saved" has the opportunity for a decent life outside the womb. We "save" him, but then we vote on issues that doom him to a life that is less than we'd accept for our own children.

During the rally, people were talking about Tim Tebow and the fact that he was saved from abortion, as though his mother's story is in any way the typical abortion story. It's not. He's the Christian champion du jour, but the fact that his mother--a missionary--didn't abort him is really not that surprising.

Tim Tebow seems to be a great guy. I'm not against him as a person. But he was not an unwanted pregnancy. His mother wasn't a unmarried teenage girl. He wasn't the consequence of an unprotected one night stand or a rape.

The latter are the people who REALLY are at the center of the abortion issue. Asking a missionary to keep her wanted pregnancy and asking a scared teenage girl to keep her unwanted pregnancy are two opposite situations.

Another blogger used the term "pro-birth"...because that's really what many people in the pro-life movement seem to be. It seems that our concern for the child stops at birth, when he or she is no longer the adorable fetus-in-distress we envisioned when we donned our anti-abortion superhero capes.

Abortion has been legal for decades and, if we're honest with ourselves, there's no end in sight at this point. I really don't vote at all based on the pro-life campaign topic because there are so many other issues that are relevant to right now and CAN change the life of a child who is spared from an abortion (or change the lives of MY children, for that matter).

I will always peacefully protest abortion. I don't believe it's the right choice, even though I know that God has given everyone the right to choose.

So this is my challenge. If you call yourself a "pro-lifer", think about what you mean when you apply that term to yourself. Are you REALLY "pro-life" or are you really just "anti-abortion"? They are two very different things.

What would it mean for you to truly commit to being "pro-life"? Realize that being "pro-life" means that you believe that you desire to apply God's mercy to those who are innocent and to those who are guilty. God's mercy doesn't discriminate between the innocent and the guilty.

The guilty bear the consequences of their actions (as we all do), but is it really right to spare one life and end another?

If you are truly pro-LIFE, when you vote, think about how the issues you vote on will affect the lives of the children you're trying to save. How will you vote on welfare? How will you vote on health care and Medicare? How will you vote on issues that affect the economy and the future job market? How will you vote on education?

As you can see, my thoughts surrounding this issue are a little black and white. I know there are gray areas to every issue, but I feel strongly that there really is a line between pro-life and anti-abortion. I won't vote Conservative just because a candidate says they are pro-life. I will vote on issues. How that will go this time around, I don't yet know, but I am keeping my eyes open and not blindly following after someone just because of their supposed stance on abortion.

I'm praying that God guides me. That's all I can do.

Today's thoughts...

2012-01-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was searching through the list of new movies on Netflix streaming and came across this documentary.

I was intrigued.

It turned out to be incredibly inspiring and thought-provoking. I recommend you check it out if you can. The principles in it can be applied to relationships with others and with ourselves. After watching it, I prayed that God would help me to be a more peaceful person. If you do watch it, let me know what you thought of it.

Thoughts on 2011 and 2012

2011-12-31T09:25:00.000-08:00

So it’s New Year’s Eve and while I’m not big on making the new year into something bigger than it is…it’s really only a day on the calendar…I have some changes I want to make in my life. I guess the transition from one year to the next is as good a time to start as any, right?

2011 has been a really difficult year for me in so many ways. I lost “me” and I lost my focus. I’ve been trying to think of some changes I need to make in the coming year. Not resolutions so much, but ideas for making adjustments to the way I’ve been living.

I’m going to continue to cut drama from my life, including the people who create it. I don’t have time to allow people to put unrealistic expectations on me or on others. I don’t have the desire to please people who will never be pleased with anything.

If you’re with me, you’re with me. If you’re not, buh-bye.

Something you learn over time as a Christian is that you should love everyone, but you don’t have to like everyone or be friends with everyone. And sometimes loving people, especially toxic people, means letting them go. It’s just as important to love YOU as it is to love others. I plan to focus my energy and time on people who also want to live drama-free.

Forgiveness. I want to give it and ask for it more often.

New dreams. It’s easy to live in the past or to focus too much on the future. Living in regret is the easy way out of moving forward. I think it’s a good thing to sometimes let go of old dreams to take hold of new ones.

I’m SO ready for new ones.

Getting back to gratitude. Out of the last decade, the best years were the two years where I took time each day to think of the gifts in my life. Circumstances weren’t always peachy keen, but I felt more at peace and more content because I wasn’t directing all of my attention to the bad things.

For me, 2011 has been the year of losing focus, but I’ve learned some important lessons.

This whole “losing focus” thing has to change, and gratitude is going to be added back into my daily spiritual diet in many different forms.

I’m going to continue to work on my health. I have done well in the latter half of this year by changing my eating habits and my exercise goals. If nothing else, that’s one thing I’m proud of from this year.

I’m going to be asking God to direct my desires for meaningful living and deliberate giving. I went through a little crisis earlier this year where I had this weird, panicky feeling that I wasn’t participating in anything fulfilling or meaningful.

Devoting my time to something that challenges me and makes me want to live life is what I need to do. We’ll see what happens.

Also, I want to spend more one-on-one time with each of the important people in my life. How that will look, I don’t know, but I do know that it’s a desire in my heart. My love language is quality time, so I need to take the time to get my “love tank” filled.

Last, at least for now, I want to get out into the world more. I want to take more family road trips, but also experience more things on my own. I think I’ll wait less for people to do things with me because it’s often just as important to set out on my own once in a while.

Life’s too short. That’s my phrase for this year.

(Sunrise in the New Brunswick woods)

What are the tweaks you’re going to make in your life?

Grateful

2011-12-20T14:20:00.000-08:00

The week before Christmas is usually one of my favorite weeks of the year. But this time I have felt preoccupied with so many things. Today has been good, though, as I learn to make important choices.

Today I'm grateful for...

Well-behaved little boys. It doesn't happen all the time, but I'm thankful that it happens most of the time.

Knowing I can rest. I can let go of my fears and just trust. Today that was something God was speaking to me from the moment I woke up -- rest and trust.

Waiting for the Lord. He shows up at the right time, all the time.
(Psalm 27:14--"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.")

The flexibility of cyber school. It's made life easier in some ways because I don't have to worry about timing everything in the day, or making sure I'm here or there at a particular moment. As I've said, like every parent, I have days where I want to fork myself in the eye, but on most days I'm grateful for the opportunity to be an integral part of my children's education and to be the one to see the light in their eyes when they learn something new.

Friends and family who pray for me. It's comforting to know I have the thoughts and prayers of people who genuinely care about what happens to me. I feel the same way about them.

Reaching another little weight loss goal. I'm back in the 140s and I hope to stay here! When I returned to a more normal eating style after the veggie cleanse, I gained back some of the weight I had lost (as was expected and considered normal). Not much, but enough to make me want to continue making healthier choices. I don't want to ever get back to the place where going up a flight of stairs makes me breathless or I can't fit into last year's jeans.

My long-term goal--I want to be a healthy elderly woman. I don't want to be on a bunch of medications or to need constant care. I want to do my part in keeping myself in decent shape, so I'm trying to make deliberate choices to reach that goal. I can't say what will happen to me in the future, but I can say I'm training myself to do my part. (Not to say I won't eat the occasional chocolates or junk food, though. Nothing wrong with a little junk food now and then...)

I hope you're joining me in learning to make better choices. I don't just mean the way you eat or the way you look at life. Making better choices can be a TOTAL life makeover.

It's about learning to speak kindly (to yourself, as well as others).

It's about learning to be truly thankful (instead of focusing on your "First World Problems").

It's about learning to be content, no matter the circumstances.

It's about remembering that God is always good, and that you're totally and completely loved and held at all times.

In the doctor's office...AGAIN!

Gratitude

2011-12-08T12:22:00.000-08:00

And so it continues...there are always things I could let distract me from light and truth and God's love. Fear is one of those things. I am a person who struggles with fear. I'm not afraid of people. I'm not afraid of standing up for what I think or believe. But I have little fears that plague me sometimes. They are intended to distract me and they do. They preoccupy my thoughts. They snowball. They pop up whenever I have happy moments. Honestly, it's annoying.

I wish there were a way to rid myself of these fears completely. I wish I could just snap my fingers and *poof* they would disappear. The only ways I've found to really battle fear are to focus on God and to be thankful. So I'm doing that right now.

I'm going to tell you about my blessings.

1. Family. I have a great family made up of wonderful people. I know that I'm supported in love and in prayer.
2. Friends. I have so many people in my life whom I can consider friends. Not everyone can say that.
3. First world problems. Most of my so-called "problems" are what the ladies who write Rants from Mommyland would call "first world problems". Here's their hilarious blog post on that topic: http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/search?q=first+world+problems I have crises in my life. Don't we all? But aside from the occasional real crisis, the majority of my issues stem from my self-focused human nature and my inability to see my blessings for what they are.
4. Food. I have a friend who says that when she gets really down, sometimes the only thing she can do to battle it is focus on the little things. "I'm thankful for these dishes that I am washing in my kitchen sink. I'm thankful for the soap I have to clean them with. I'm thankful for the fact that I can have food on these dishes whenever I want it there. Etc." So I'm thankful that I have the ability to feed my family and to eat whenever I want to.
5. Fresh starts. I've had plenty of chances to start over--with people, with situations, with locations. Not everyone can say that.
6. Framework. I know that God is setting up the framework in my life. Around it, he's going to put together all the little pieces that seem to be floating, and the end product will look like something. Right now, it doesn't, but it will.
7. Freedom. Living a life without the constraint of "religion" (the bad connotation) is a goal I have. The only way I can do it is with God's help. He has nothing to do with religion, so I don't want to have anything to do with it, either.

That's enough for now. See? I'm already focusing on good things again. I know there are so many positive things going on in my life and I want to choose to keep my eyes on God and what he's doing in me. I hope you choose to do the same.

Psalm 145:8--"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love."

Check out this book!

2011-12-08T11:30:00.000-08:00

Pagan Christianity is one of my favorite Christian books. I found the history in it very thought-provoking. Through this book, Frank Viola and George Barna made me stop and think about why I did what I did when it came to church. Good stuff and I highly recommend it!
http://www.paganchristianity.org/

Gratitudes

2011-11-20T16:39:00.000-08:00

It was a crazy week, but here I am on a Sunday evening. I'm freshly bubble-bathed and already cozy in my pajamas. I'm looking forward to the next three weeks because they will be busy, but "fun busy", which is the BEST kind of busy. So I'm taking my last evening of non-busyness and chillaxin'.

I'm grateful for...

1. Pushing through it. I did NOT feel like exercising today. In fact, I spent all morning and some of the afternoon in my PJs, just sitting on the couch and not moving. To me that's the nice thing about a Sunday. But I knew that I should be getting at least a little exercise, so I jogged on out of here and took a 45 minute run/walk. It was a good thing that I did. Exercise is good for the mind, as well as the body and it got me moving. After I got back, I ended up going out to do some grocery shopping because I had energy. Good times.

2. A discussion about gratitude. Last night's discussion at church was about gratitude. It's my favorite subject and it was really cool to hear everyone's take on it.

3. Roof insurance. Glad we have it. Glad they're paying for two new roofs for us (our house and House #2). Hail damage...didn't know we had any, but I'm glad we asked about it.

4. Thinking before I speak. Sometimes I don't and I always regret it. God is teaching me just to shut my pie hole sometimes and let HIM do the talking instead. He's better at it anyway.

5. Stuff to look forward to. The next three weeks have a lot in store--Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday); a visit from Norrain, our friend from across the ocean; I'm going to Kansas City to visit Jai and all my other friends there; my oldest child will be turning 9 and starting his last year of single digits (sniff sniff); and I'm going on a trip with my dad to attend his brother's memorial service in Austin--not a happy occasion, but I am glad I can go along with him to offer support.

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Gratitude is so important for so many reasons and I hope you're able to get yourself to experience it often. For me, gratitude is humbling because it makes me realize how much I've been given, even though I don't deserve it. I know I don't. But that's the beauty of the love of God. It's lavish and extravagant and pours out blessings on a wretched, rotten person like me. I KNOW I don't deserve it and I never will.

I have darkness inside me and I don't often do or say the things I should. I'm not always a good example of a Christian. I'm not always a good mother. I'm not always a good wife, a good friend...or a good person, for that matter. I'm selfish. I'm prone to holding grudges. But God isn't...and I'm so very grateful for that. He always accepts me with open arms and holds me there next to his heart, no matter how many times I've pushed him away in the past. I'll never be able to repay Jesus for what he did for me, but I'm grateful that he doesn't expect me to. His gifts are always free.

How Gratitude Improves Your Health

2011-11-13T08:41:00.000-08:00

I found this article very interesting. There have actually been studies done about how the act of being grateful (and it IS a real act) is shown to improve your health. Check it out and tell me what you think.

http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/library/counting-your-blessings-how-gratitude-improves-your-health

Counting Your Blessings: How Gratitude Improves Your Health

By Bruce Campbell

Gratitude has long been extolled by religion and in recent years, has drawn attention through books such as The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude. Now, thanks to new research, there is scientific evidence that gratitude produces health benefits.

The research is summarized in Robert Emmons' new book Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier (Houghton Mifflin, 2007). Emmons and his colleagues at the University of California at Davis are among the pioneers in research on gratitude, part of a larger movement called positive psychology. Positive psychology, instead of focusing on illness and emotional problems, studies health-promoting behavior and the pleasurable parts of life.

Emmons' book reports on several studies. In the first, he and his colleagues divided participants into three groups, each of which made weekly entries in a journal. One group wrote five things they were grateful for. Another group described five daily hassles and a control group listed five events that had affected them in some way. Those in the gratitude group felt better about their lives overall, were more optimistic about the future, and reported fewer health problems than the other participants. Results from a second study suggested that daily writing led to a greater increase in gratitude than weekly practice.

A third study reproduced the results among a group of people suffering from various neuromuscular diseases, including post-polio syndrome, which has symptoms similar to those in CFS. People using daily gratitude journals reported more satisfaction with their lives and were more optimistic about the future than the control group. Interestingly, the gratitude group also reported getting more sleep, spending less time awake before falling asleep and feeling more refreshed in the morning.

In a related study, researchers at the University of Connecticut found that gratitude can have a protective effect against heart attacks. Studying people who had experienced one heart attack, the researchers found that those patients who saw benefits and gains from their heart attack, such as becoming more appreciative of life, experienced a lower risk of having another heart attack.

The research on gratitude challenges the idea of a "set point" for happiness, a belief that, just as our body has a set point for weight, each person may have a genetically-determined level of happiness. The set point concept is supported by research that shows that people return to a characteristic level of happiness a short time after both unusually good and unusually bad events. But the research on gratitude suggests that people can move their set point upward to some degree, enough to have a measurable effect on both their outlook and their health.

Summarizing the findings from studies to date, Emmons says that those who practice grateful thinking "reap emotional, physical and interpersonal benefits." People who regularly keep a gratitude journal report fewer illness symptoms, feel better about their lives as a whole, and are more optimistic about the future. Emmons conclusion is that gratitude is a choice, one possible response to our life experiences.

Getting Started

If you would like to increase the level of gratitude in your life, here are five suggestions for getting started.

1) Keep a Daily Gratitude Journal

This is probably the most effective strategy for increasing your level of gratitude. Set aside time daily to record several things that you are grateful for. (Typically, people list three to five.) You can write when you get up or at the end of the day. Pick a time that you will consistently have available. You can use a book like the Journal of Gratitude or write on loose-leaf paper or a notebook. The important thing is to establish the daily practice of paying attention to gratitude-inspiring events and to write them down. In Emmons' words, the act of writing "allows you to see the meaning of events going on around you and create meaning in your own life." For an example of the use of a gratitude journal, see Joan Buchman's article The Healing Power of Gratitude.

2) Use Visual Reminders

Two obstacles to being grateful are forgetfulness and lack of awareness. You can counter them by giving yourself visual cues that trigger thoughts of gratitude. Emmons says he puts Post-It notes listing his blessings in many places, including on his refrigerator, mirrors and the steering wheel of his car. Another strategy is to set a pager, computer or PDA to signal you at random times during the day and to use the signal to pause and count blessings.

3) Have a Gratitude Partner

Social support encourages healthy behaviors, because we often lack the discipline to do things on our own. Just as you may be more likely to exercise if you have an exercise partner or participate in a class, you may be able to maintain the discipline of gratitude more easily if you have a partner with whom to share gratitude lists and to discuss the effects of gratitude in your life. Emmons says, "If we hang out with ungrateful people, we will ‘catch' one set of emotions; if we choose to associate with more grateful individuals, the influence will be in another direction. Find a grateful person and spend more time with him or her."

4) Make a Public Commitment

We feel accountable when we make commitments to others. In our self-help course, we have people set weekly goals for themselves. The fact that the goal is made publicly to a group, makes it more likely that people will follow through. For a discussion of how to achieve short-term goals, see the Chapter 6 in our course textbook: Goals and Targets.

5) Change Your Self-Talk

We all carry on an inner dialogue with ourselves that is often called "self-talk." When this inner conversation is negative, our mood is usually low. Research has shown that we can change our mood by changing the tone of the things we say to ourselves. For an introduction to this approach, called cognitive therapy, and a description of a three-step process to change your self-talk, see the article "Taming Stressful Thoughts" (reference below).

The Healing Power of Gratitude
FMS patient and self-help group moderator Joan Buchman's account of the life-transforming effects of a daily gratitude journal.
Taming Stressful Thoughts: Making Thoughts Work for YouA hands-on introduction to Cognitive Therapy, describing a three-step process for making your "self-talk" more accurate and more positive.

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It may be too soon, but the kids were begging...so we gave in and put up the Christmas trees.

Gratitudes of the Day! 11/11/11

2011-11-11T07:27:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all of the men and women who have served our country, as well as those who are currently serving. This nation would no longer exist if it were not for all of those who have fought and all those who have laid their lives down. The history of this country is one of struggle and I am so grateful that so many men and women thought my future, and the future of each of us, was important enough to pay for it with their own lives.

I will never be able to repay you all for your bravery and sacrifice. But I will try in my own way by paying respect to your love of your country and your families; by remembering how much I have to be grateful for with thanks, in large part, to all of you; and by doing what I can, though I am only one person, to be a good steward of the country you fought for.

My grandpa, Air Force Lt. Col. Vinton A. Fish (back row, 2nd from right)

Gratitudes of the Day!

2011-11-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

Today I'm thankful for...

1. Last night's girls night. We went to Persichetti's Restaurant in Jeannette, PA for Wednesday night wings. Best wings on the planet and 17 flavors to choose from. So good, as always. Great time with friends and a lovely evening.

2. A surprise date night with my husband. Last night, he told me he wanted to take me out tonight and he had already arranged for my parents to watch the kids all evening. That's every woman's dream, to not have to plan dates herself...am I right? I'm blessed to have a good man who thinks of things like that. We went out to dinner, did some shopping and enjoyed each other's company. My love language is "Quality Time", so I am a happy girl after tonight.

3. Making better choices. In many ways I find I'm gradually growing into a person who makes better choices, especially about food. I have my occasional times where I really want something greasy or something sugary, but generally I've begun to shy away from eating things that I know won't make me feel good. That's a good thing. It means I'm finally learning from at least some of my mistakes. (Although, I did finish off the night with a Peppermint Chocolate Chip milkshake...mmmm. Won't do that again for a long time, but the discomfort was worth the mintyness.)

4. My kids' laughter. Today, during a little break in school time, we were taking funny photos on my iPhone and they were laughing those loud, gutteral laughs. I love to make them laugh because it warms my heart to hear it. I think God feels that way when we laugh.

5. Having the right words at the right time. It doesn't feel like it happens often for me, but when it does it's awesome. Sometimes people need encouragement or an uplifting word at critical moment...I know I do. So it's amazing to see the results when God points you toward someone who needs his love and you are able to let it flow through you. I want to try to be ready for those moments more often.

Gratitudes of the Day!

2011-11-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

Today I'm grateful for...

1. Warm, sunny weather. It felt like Spring today. On the coldest Winter days, I will think back to how lovely this day was, and remember that the warmer weather will be here again sooner than I think.

2. Happy boys. Last night I bought them another little pig for their Angry Birds plush toys collection. They earned it. The deal was that they had to earn $25 in Colligan Cash in order to get their small pig. They earned their Colligan Cash by doing chores, showing a good attitude during school, listening the first time they were asked to do something, etc. Anyway, I didn't sleep well last night, but this morning I heard excited whispering downstairs and realized they'd found the pig. I heard the pitter-patter of their little feet coming upstairs and they came into my room to thank me, trying hard not to squeal. Then Brendan excitedly whispered, "Mama, you're the best mama in space!!!" That was his way of saying that I pretty much rock the universe. Can't beat that.

3. Getting our roofs repaired. Our home insurance company came through and it looks like we will not only get our home's roof replaced from the hail damage we sustained in the spring, but we will also have the rental house roof replaced! Yay! The guys who are renting the house will be happy to have a new, well-insulated roof on their place.

4. Conan. He and Ellen make me laugh. You know how I feel about sparkly people and they make me happy. It's a true gift to be able to make people laugh, and it requires a keen sense of timing and a quick-wittedness that not a lot of people have. I appreciate people who make me laugh.

5. Letting it go. You know, it would be really easy to give in to worry, but I'm choosing to listen to the still, small voice that's saying, "Peace, be still." I will be okay. God is in control.

Morning Me

Gratitudes of the Day!

2011-11-07T19:14:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of continuing my November daily gratitudes and practicing my thankfulness, here goes!

Today I'm grateful for...

1. A beautiful sunrise. It was a frosty morning and I stood outside in my bare feet watching the orange clouds roll by. It was a nice, quiet moment.

2. Alone time this evening. It's been a while since I've been out of the house alone, so I enjoyed every minute of it. I ran errands, I took my time at Gabriel Brothers (my favorite discount clothing store), I got the kids a new Angry Birds pig that I know they'll scream about when they wake up. Just a nice evening. I needed that.

3. Knowing it could be worse. I got a not-so-good result on one of the blood tests that the rheumatologist took. It said my thyroid antibodies are elevated...I wasn't sure what that meant, but it didn't sound good. But after hearing from a few friends and from my cousin, who is a nurse, I feel a lot better. Seriously, there are worse things and I'm keeping my perspective this time around.

4. Encouragement. God encourages us in many ways, directly or indirectly, but it's mean to uplift us and help us to lift our heads. If you're feeling or hearing something that is the opposite of encouragement, it ain't God talkin', honey. Ignore it and speak the truth over yourself.

5. Not knowing what to pray. I like knowing that God knows my heart and he hears even the things I can't bring myself to utter. There's nothing wrong with not saying anything. Often the best way to hear from God is to shut up.

Romans 8:26 -
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans."

Gratitudes of the Day!

2011-11-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

It's the little things.

1. My coughing is more "productive" today. (Disgusting and TMI, but it's something, right?)

2. Sunshine and blue sky. Once November hits, if you live in Pennsylvania you'll take every sunny day you can get!

3. Girls Night Out!

4. Some of my photos have been used in an ebook by Frank Viola . Pretty cool! Check it out!
http://frankviola.org/2011/11/01/epicjesus/

5. Veggies. Whenever I don't eat them as much, my body lets me know it's not happy. Veggies are yum.

6. I'm gradually learning to be a better person. Thank you, God, for teaching me every day, no matter how many mistakes or missteps I make. I want to be like You.

7. My parents. They are always so helpful to us in so many ways, and they get along really well with my husband. I know not everyone can say the same of their parents, so I'm grateful for that.

8. Cough drops. I should buy stock in Halls.

9. Hoodie sweatshirts.

10. Flavored coffee creamer. Although I'm trying to continue to go sugar-free as much as possible, the occasional spot of Peppermint Mocha in my daily decaf is lovely.

November is Gratitude Month!

2011-11-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

Gratitudes of the Day (in no particular order):

1. Seeing the sun rise. It means I'm alive.

2. I can breathe out of one nostril now instead of none. :)

3. I have awesome friends, near and far.

4. I agree with a friend of mine...the raspy voice does sound kind of sexy if you ignore the

sinusy/nasally aspect.

5. God is always teaching me if I'm open to learning.

6. A lull in the busy-ness.

7. One more day until GIRLS' NIGHT at Embassy Suites! Hot tub, snacks, Say Yes to the

Dress, making crafty cards and eating a huge, free breakfast the next morning.

8. My husband. 'Nuff said.

9. Hot coffee. Feels great on my throat...ah.

10. PA Cyber. Though there are days where I feel like I want to take a fork to my eyeball,

it's one of the best decisions we've made thus far in regards to our children's education.

Instagram of the Day

2011-10-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

I was just imagining myself back on the beach, looking out at the ocean, feeling the breeze in my face, smelling the salty air...it's my go-to fantasy, and it's still fresh because we've only been back home for two weeks.

Thought I'd share it with you.

Thoughts and Thanks - September 7, 2011

2011-09-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

Since I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (probably because my wake-up call was the sound of Brendan yelling about something Liam was doing that he didn't like), I figured now is as good a time as any to focus on gratitude.

I have found the best way to turn a bad mood around is to think positive thoughts and turn my attention to the good and the lovely things. So here goes...

Today I am grateful for...

--Encouragement. While I was busy being impatient with my kids, Brendan was busy making little signs on Post-it Notes. Here's what they said...

So I felt stupid. But I realized that my little boys love their mama, whether their mama deserves it or not. God loves me that way, too. :)

--The fact that my "skinny" jeans (you know, the pair of jeans many women keep in their drawer just in case they lose a little weight) are actually fitting me perfectly...and they're a little bit loose. That's a great motivator!

--Not having time to think about negative things. There's one great thing about suddenly being busy--I don't have time to think about my health issues or the things that were stressing me out before. There's something to be said for having brand new stressors...lol.

--My in-laws are visiting for the month of September. It's nice having adults around to talk to during the day, and it's great to see them after such a long time. They're very sweet people.

--Having a vacation to look forward to. I hope it happens...the hurricanes are scaring me a little bit, but I am choosing to be positive in the hopes that we will still be able to get away for our trip in 10 days!

--Another day to be alive.

--My children. They are wonderful boys, despite their occasional penchant for scamp-ish behavior. :)

--Myself. I'm learning to be grateful for me and I'm learning to see myself the way God sees me. That can't be bad, right?

I hope you feel encouraged today and that you know that there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for, no matter how "blah" you may feel. Try focusing on those good things and keeping your mind on things above.

The Scripture for the day...

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things."

Philippians 4:8

Thoughts and Thanks - August 30, 2011

2011-08-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

Throughout this whole time that I've been struggling with the roller coaster emotions that go along with uncertainty, I've had a thought in the back of my mind. How can I best honor God in the middle of my circumstances? I have found the only way to keep myself sane and to keep from going off the deep end every day is to focus myself on him and on being thankful for my many blessings. Because they truly are many.

It's easy to say, "Everything would be better if I only had this" or "I would truly be happy if that one thing was going right." But I know that that's not really true. The grass is always greener, right?

So a couple of days ago in the middle of one of my self-focused pity parties, I was reading TIME magazine about the famine in Africa. I came upon a photo of a dead seven-year-old child wrapped in a cloth. It brought me to tears because, really, how can I complain about my life? In that moment, I felt stupid. My children are happy and healthy. I have uncertainty about my health in some areas, but I'm healthy. I'm not watching my loved ones die from preventable diseases or starvation. I live in one of the richest countries in the world. I have everything I need and so many opportunities are open to me. Who am I to complain?

Sometimes I need a little slap in the emotions now and then. I really want to choose to focus on how I can honor God in the middle of my roller coaster, rather than focusing on my petty worries. Whenever I focus on him, on his love, on the knowledge that he is with me through everything and that I have nothing to fear, I feel that blanket of peace again.

When trying times come, it's like the story of Jesus and Peter walking on the water (Matthew 14:22-33)--as soon as I take my eyes off of Jesus, I sink. I become fixed on my stormy surroundings and on the things I see as impossible or uncertain, rather than on the fact that HE called me to step out of the boat and walk with him on the water. He doesn't call us to walk with him just to let us drown. In the low moments where I lose vision and I feel like I'm sinking, he ALWAYS reaches down and lifts me back up. I just have to reach up and grab on to his hand.

So if you're going through a rough time, too, I want to encourage both of us. :) God is calling us to a season of trust. He is calling us to totally lean on him. The best way to honor him in the middle of a trying time is to be thankful for what we DO have, rather than thinking about what we DON'T have. I could do everything on my own if I wanted to. People try to do it every day. But I know that I need God. So I want to encourage you to grab on to his hand, too. There's room enough in his hands for all of us.

Today I'm thankful for...

What my friend Heather calls a cleansing meltdown. I'm having one now and it seems to be working.

Resting in the shadow of the Almighty. (Psalm 91:1)

My children. For all my faults as a mother, they are turning out to be two awesome little men. They are sweet, caring and they love each other fiercely, despite all their fighting.

My husband. He's a hard-working man who lives for God and his family. Can't ask for better than that!

Sunshine and mild weather. Seriously, this is some glorious weather and it's always a mood-booster.

Learning lessons.

My cameras. They can be great therapy. I think I'll go pick them up again.

Friends. I have so many great people in my life. Some are nearby. Many are far away. They have encouraged me in so many ways and I'm so grateful for each one.

So I want to leave you with Psalm 91. It's awesome to read it when I feel like I'm surrounded by craziness, as many of us are from time to time, especially with everything going on in the world. Read it over and over and ponder it in your heart because it's all about how God protects those who trust him. I'm learning to trust more and more, and I hope you are, too.

Psalm 91

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]

2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you

from the fowler’s snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”

and you make the Most High your dwelling,

10 no harm will overtake you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life I will satisfy him

and show him my salvation.”

Thoughts and Thanks - August 15, 2011

2011-08-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah.

So I have had a lot of time to think about a lot of things. I think when I go through times of worry or I let fear creep into my life, my vision becomes clouded.

I get the feeling that God sometimes lets me go through times like this because he wants ME to see where my trust lies. He doesn't need me to prove anything to him because he already knows my heart. He isn't angry with me and he doesn't have an "I'll show you!" kind of attitude, but he wants me to open my eyes. I know for a fact what he's capable of doing, having seen many amazing things that can't be attributed to anything other than his divine hand. But when it comes to my life and my health, I somehow forget all the things I've seen and I allow myself to freak out.

I am learning through this time that my faith and trust aren't always in God. I am realizing that I need to change my perspective and that I need to begin to learn from this experience.

Do I know what's around the bend? No. Do I know what the doctors will say? No. But I DO know that God is faithful to me. He always has been. He always will be. It doesn't mean I'll never be sick or have problems or have stressful situations arise, but it does mean that he will be with me through all of it and will help me become a better person because of what I'll learn in every circumstance.

So many of you have encouraged me during this time and I appreciate your thoughts and love. I have also watched many of you, my encouraging friends, go through terrible trials of your own and come out the other side wiser and stronger. I want to learn from all of you. (Please feel free to give advice if you can!)

I'm stressed about things right now and I feel like everything is swirling around me while I am fading in and out of my own life. I don't want my existence to be like that, though. Life is too short and too much of a treasure to waste on worry or on any other sort of negative attitude. So I'm going to ask God's help to turn my perspective around.

So today I'm grateful for...

Waking up and seeing my husband. Yeah, he's laid off again, but it means so much to me to have him with me when I'm going through rough patches. Maybe the timing was God-orchestrated. :)

Encouraging friends and family.

My veggie cleanse. I feel so much better, physically. I've lost some weight that I needed to lose. I have been exercising again, taking vitamins, eating healthy foods, making natural juice in the juicer, and have just been more conscious of my health overall. That can't be bad. I have 6 days left on the cleanse. I had intended to only do 10 days, but I felt so good after the 10 days that I wanted to keep going. When we finish the cleanse, I will be right about at the 1 month mark. I am sleeping better (when I'm not allowing myself to be stressed), eating better, feeling better and my skin has cleared up. All good things.

Being forced to remember that the value of life doesn't just rest in the NOW, it rests in the eternal.

Jesus. By his wounds I am healed. I'm grateful to him for those wounds.

An extra week of summer vacation! I thought cyber school was starting a week before it actually is. Kind of nice to extend summer an extra week. :)

My neighbor, Julie, who is in her late 70s. She is such a strong lady. She has endured a lot in her life, but she doesn't give up. She does all her own gardening, cooking, cleaning and housework and will probably keep going at it all for the rest of her life. She is content with a simple life. She takes care of other people and is concerned about them. She treats my kids like her own great-grandkids. She is hospitable. She is funny. She prioritizes faith, and I want to grow up to be like her. I've learned a lot from living next door to such a woman and I'm glad I can call her my friend.

Letting it go. There've been moments in the last while where I can feel my stress level rising. I can hear the fearful thoughts swirling in my head. But when I've quieted myself and listened for God's voice in the chaos, I have heard him whisper, "Let it go." I can't add another day to my life by worrying. So I'm continuously having to choose to let it go. God has his hand on me.

---------------------------------------------------

One of the dangers of stressful situations or worrisome, depressing times in life is that it becomes easy to block out the world and only focus on myself. Bad idea. There's a huge difference between taking care of myself and focusing on myself. I lose my ability to love and live a compassionate life if I'm only focused on myself and my own problems. So I am asking God to help me keep my eyes on the important things. I'm asking that he show me ways in which I can encourage other people and be his fragrance in the world. God, help me. :)

Summer thoughts and thanks...

2011-06-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

Just checking in!

As I said before, I have been taking a little break from writing the last while and it's been good. I am taking lots of photos and enjoying the summer with my kids. I have been editing my wedding work and also attempting to satiate my Instagram addiction...not happening. ;)

I am doing well, though. I got over the downturn I took not long ago...God is good about letting me wallow and then helping me get back up. I can't let the things other people do or say control me. If I do, I am putting them at a higher place in my life than God has - obviously not right. I have been pondering this scripture for a while, as well...

"He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?"
Micah 6:8

So I am thinking that if those are the things that God requires, He isn't asking me to please everyone. He isn't asking me to worry about what others think of me. He wants me to think about justice and do the right things in His eyes. He wants me to be merciful, even to those whom I don't think deserve it (He has always been merciful to me, and I don't deserve it). He wants me to put Him first and just to walk with Him. Those are the keys to living a simple life.

I know I will never be able to fully rid my life of drama and those who create it because humans are humans, but I will continue to trust Him and listen to what He has to say about the people in my life. He has people in this world with whom He wants me to connect - some are close by, some are far away. He has things for me to do and be, and He is continuing the work in me.

So today I want to encourage you to sit back and look at your life. Look past the drama and the conflict. Look past the dark cloud days and see life for what it really is - a gift. We only get one go at it and it's a short one. We do reap what we sow, so try to sow encouragement, forgiveness and love. I am trying to do those things in my own life. I don't want to waste precious time on negativity. I'm not always successful, but God knows the motives of my heart. And He knows yours, too. That's all that matters.

Today, I'm thankful for...

Instagram. It's becoming a serious addiction, but I love that I can see other people's iPhone photos from all over the world instantly. Now all I need is an iPhone4...lol. Okay, so it's a want and not a need, but it would still be pretty fun.

My iPad2...I have been enjoying the crap out of the thing. So awesome and it was so thoughtful of my husband to get me something like that. It was unexpected, but it was a big blessing. He knows I'm not a "flowers and chocolates" girl when it comes to gifts. I like it when someone sees something simple and thinks of me, but I also like it when Sean sees something high-tech and thinks of me. Hee hee...(I'm a gadget girl and I've never been typical when it comes to anniversaries or birthdays. One year, all I wanted was a vacuum cleaner...albeit it was a Dyson, but still a vacuum. Another year, it was a fishing rod.)

Sean's job. He likes it and it gets him home from work by 4pm at the latest. How cool is that? I miss him being laid off, but I know he's a work-with-your-hands and keep busy kind of man. He's a hard worker and a conscientious one and I appreciate that about him.

A break. While homeschooling/cyber schooling can be an awesome thing, sometimes a family just needs a break. Thank goodness for summer! We are still doing educational activities here and there, but it feels nice to let it all go for a while.

Alone time. A few weeks ago, Sean took the boys to Canada for a week. At first, I was a little teary-eyed, but I decided to change my perspective. I realized that I could be sad or I could see the time as an opportunity to do things I didn't normally get to do. So I sat in silence as much as I could, I took a little road trip, I went out with friends almost every night. It turned out to be a lovely week and it was a great time. I spent a whole block of time with ME and I almost never get to do that.

Life isn't all about fun, obviously, but making the most of every day is so important. This is a reminder for myself as much as it is for you.

Perspective

2011-06-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

Advice and thoughts from my Grandmother...

2011-06-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

I recently found some old letters that my grandmother had sent me before I left for college at Evangel University and one during my sophomore year. I know there are more of them in my boxes somewhere, but these are the first ones I found. I loved the memories and advice she shared, so I thought I'd share it with you all. :) My grandmother passed away years ago, but I still have the good memories of time I spent with her and of the advice she would send me in her handwritten letters. Some of it is funny and some of it is just good stuff to think about...especially the italicized part in the third letter. Enjoy!

--------------------------------------

July 23, 1993 (The day before my 18th birthday, summer before I went to college)

Dearest Sarah,

I hope you have a happy birthday tomorrow...I know you are having a good time with the Myers family. Greet them for me and you teenagers have mercy on the grownups - parents and such!

I guess you are planning a lot for next year. I hope the Mississippi River doesn't block your way. I remember how excited I was when I packed my trunk for college. I had a new trunk and a hatbox traveling bag. Everyone who was anybody had a hat box! I made the money for mine by wiring tags for the Ennis Tag and Printing Co. (Now Ennis Business Forms). It was black, shiny and looked like patent leather.

I found it was best to travel light and don't take everything you have. At first take the kind of clothes and what you'll wear between Sept. and Christmas - or the first time you go home. Make you a budget and don't use all your spending money the first week you are there. Keep your Bible handy and use it every day. Remember a college has rules. You'll learn what they are, so obey them. (Me: HAHAHAHAHA!) If you don't want to obey the college rules you might consider building your own college! Ha!

With love now and always,
Grandmother

------------------------------------------------

October 28, 1993 (During first semester at college)

Dearest Sarah,

I intended to write long before now, but I've had a lot of interference...

I know you have really got initiated into college by now. Whether it is long ago or now, some things about college never seem to change: the long lines at registration, the wait for the mail, the gripes about the food. I think if they served pheasant under glass and finished off with nectar and ambrosia, it would still bring gripes (because it doesn't taste like "Mama's cooking")!

Homesickness is another common experience of all ages. Just be thankful you have had a home life that is worth being homesick for. Imagine what it would be like not to have had a home worth being lonesome for. And you will always have those beautiful memories. Sometimes when you think you can't stand it another minute, take a walk on the campus and look at the nice places and the nice people who are now part of your life. Some you will forget, but many you will always remember and your life might be richer for your memories.

I remember standing with the usual group of students near the dining room waiting for the supper bell to ring. One girl started to sing "Home Sweet Home", and we almost murdered her right there. That was one time that memories of home were most poignant.

I was so doubtful that I would ever get to college. I would sometimes want to pinch myself to see whether I was dreaming or whether I was really in college. Sometimes at night I would console myself by trying to imagine how different my life was and would be because I was fortunate enough to be in college instead of clerking at Perry's the rest of my life.

I worked there (Perry's) on Saturdays and during one year I had to miss college, but I decided that whatever it took to get back to college was worth it. I thought I'd go crazy if I knew I had to look at those four walls the rest of my working years or folding lingerie and putting it back in its bin after some customer had pawed through it...

I love you and I'm very proud of you. So keep your mind on the positive things about college! Why don't you keep a section of a notebook for a diary to write down something you want to remember that a prof. or one of your friends said that day? It will make nice reading for your granddaughter sometime when she wants to know how it was with grandmother when she went to college!

Love now and always,
Grandmother

P.S. By the way, do you have enough money for your books?

---------------------------------

January 26, 1995 (2nd half of sophomore year)

Dearest Sarah,

I hope you are settled down and happy at college this semester. Time is passing fast and the semester will be over before you realize it.

I hope you will have something as exciting this semester as you found your teaching practicum.

Whatever you decide to do with your life, I hope you will always be happy in it. And I hope it will be something that will have permanent value and will honor God. I have always felt that way about teaching, even when I felt tired and frustrated. There many other jobs similar...

Do you have a journalism dept. there? I wouldn't take anything for the journalism work I took at Baylor because of what it did for me. It seemed to whet every skill I had and really made me get over timidity and not be afraid to meet people and talk to them.

I hope you can use the money. I don't want you to go hungry at snack time!

I love you,
Grandmother

Gratitudes 2011 - #15

2011-05-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

Between the last post I made and now, I've experienced what can only be described as a "dark downturn". A combination of situations caused me to hit a slide and lose perspective...not good. However, I love that God still speaks in the middle of emotional storms and when I choose to still myself long enough, I hear him.

I wish I were good at forgiving. I wish I were good at letting go and saying, "You win." But I'm not...I'm hopeless when it comes to releasing people from my judgment, especially when I've been betrayed or attacked. Have you ever experienced that? Everyone has, in one way or another, I suppose.

When I am betrayed or attacked by someone, especially when I can't defend myself against it, my first reaction is anger. I think of possible ways in which I can respond. I stew about the slight against me. I think of ways to get back at the person. That's human...but that's not what God wants me to do.

"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." - I Peter 3:9

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:21

GAH!!!

It's really difficult to just take certain situations with humility, but I'm going to try. I know that blessing comes from blessing. I know that only bad things come from responding in anger.

Forgiveness is a process. I can say that I forgive someone, but walking out that forgiveness in my daily life is a whole other matter, especially when I know the person will never apologize. God knows that, though. He knows my heart. He knows I would love to be able to forgive and bless immediately whenever I'm hurt. But I think God wants me to see how hard it is to truly forgive...maybe I'll get a clue about what it meant for Him to forgive me.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with responding to an apology. Forgiveness is an attitude of the heart that has to happen, apology or not. It's something you HAVE to do to be able to move on. But it's something that doesn't come easily.

I am not perfect. I never will be. I will always be a student. I will always be struggling with things like this. I guess the point is to learn something from every situation in which I find myself because God has something to teach me through every circumstance. That's the only way I can grow and I know that deep down.

God has good things for me. He has a purpose behind this whole thing. Maybe something I'll learn through this will help me to help someone else in the future. I don't know.

I wish growth weren't so painful sometimes, but it is. Ripping out the weeds makes me feel like my garden is a little bare. But I am going to try choosing to bless rather than curse. I am going to keep myself open. I am going to release myself from the self-inflicted pain that is the effect of holding on to negativity. God, help me.

Today, I am grateful for...

Encouraging friends. There are a handful of people who have been there to encourage me through this time, most via text messages or FB messages because they live elsewhere. You know who you are, but you don't know how much I TRULY appreciate the fact that you all helped coax me out of a dark corner with your prayers and your profound encouragements. You may not have realized what you were saying or what I have been going through, but your thoughts lifted me.

God. I truly cannot tell in words how much His love means to me. I know I'm undeserving, but I am so thankful that He loves me in spite of that.

Realizing my weaknesses. I hate that I have such massive weaknesses, but I know that God's strength is perfect when I have none.

Lessons learned. Watching the recent tornado coverage on the news and hearing the interviews with survivors made me realize one thing...life, no matter how hard it can be or how many struggles suddenly pile on you, is something to hold on to and gratitude is so incredibly important. Someday, the struggle will be a distant memory.

Growth.

Perspective. It could all be gone in a second. Life is too short to let yourself be ruled by negativity or to choose to be a victim. What I go through is nothing compared with what some people have to endure. Getting the bigger picture is hard to do in a hard time, but it's necessary.

There's a song called "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns. The chorus is like this...

And I'll praise you in this storm,
And I will lift my hands.
You are who you are,
No matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hands.
You never left my side.
And, though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.

I know He is always faithful, even when I'm not. I know He is good, even when I'm not even close. I know that life is beautiful and worth living. I know that there's a time for everything. I know that there is a Light in the darkness. I know that hard times come and they pass. I know that forgiveness is important, and I know that He is all I need.

Gratitudes 2011 - #14

2011-05-09T06:40:00.000-07:00

I let stress get the best of me. I hate all the moments when I have a difficult time just letting things slide or waiting for things to turn out. I put so much pressure on myself to get things right or make sure things are planned weeks before they happen. I feel like I have to be watchful all the time to make sure situations work out, like I always have to be "in the game." This usually happens when I lose perspective...

Well, this week I learned something from my 5 year old...it's a regular occurrence, mind you, but what I saw made me laugh and it made me think. He had his second t-ball game, which, if you know anything about 5 year olds who are learning a sport, you know it can be an interminable purgatory. :) Somewhere in the seeming hours of t-ball, probably in the 5th inning, Brendan was manning the outfield. By "manning," I mean looking up into the sky and spinning around, or crouching and playing in the dirt. As I watched, he reached down and picked up a dandelion and put it to his mouth. He took a deep breath and blew all the seeds into the wind. Then he smiled.

It occurred to me that I'm often so focused on "the game" and the pressure of trying to please everyone else that I forget to stop and take a moment to blow dandelion seeds to the wind. Was it what he was "supposed" to be doing? No. I even called out to him to pay attention. But he's a little boy, and there's something so precious about the fact that kids are so enthralled by the little things--like blowing on dandelions--even when there's pressure to perform.

So I'm going to learn from my 5 year old. I have plenty of things weighing on me at the moment, but I'm going to go outside and blow dandelion seeds to the wind. I'm going to press the pause button and get some perspective.

If you can relate to what I'm feeling, I hope you join me in hitting your own pause button. Smell the roses. Take a walk. Take a couple of minutes to watch the clouds, or smell the rain. Life is passing by too quickly to give in to pressure or to let stress get the best of you. God is always working, even though we can't always see the process. Sometimes we just need to let go of our plan, close our eyes and feel the wind.

I'm grateful for...

Mother's Day. I had a fun time with my kids. They woke me up with "breakfast in bed"...which included a carton of yogurt, and one of those little snack packs with cracker sticks that you dip in nacho cheese. It was too cute.

Sunshine and blue sky.

GREEEEEN! Oh, goodness...I am so enjoying every day of watching things grow. I love how nature is coming back to life.

Fourteen days of cyber school left in the year.

Group hugs. My kids are big fans of the group hug.

Coffee with flavored creamer.

God's faithfulness. He has never failed me and I need to remember that.

Sean's job. Even though I prefer that he be laid off, I am grateful that he has his job. God has a reason for him to be there.

Skype.

Friendship. I don't get to see my friends all the time because of our current schedule, but it's so nice to know that they are there.

It's the little things, people. Enjoy them. Life is too short.

Recommendations

2011-04-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

I really like reading new blogs. I can get inspired when I read about the journeys of some of my friends...and also those of complete strangers. So these are some recommendations. Please read them and follow if you're interested. Also, please comment below about blogs you follow and why...I am always looking for more reading material. Thanks!

The first is from an amazing friend of mine whom I've known since I was probably 10 years old...she is a stay-at-home mom who is incredibly smart and has a beautiful and honest and humble outlook on life. I love her, but I'm biased. ;)
http://www.alittlelostandfound.blogspot.com/

Another is from another friend and fellow pastor's kid. He just started this anonymous blog and I'm encouraging him to keep it up. I have found blogging to be incredibly cathartic and I think he's going to find the same thing.
http://waywardwalkhome.blogspot.com/

My mom has a blog! She's a great writer and has a lot to say that many people will relate to! Check her out!
http://melindafish.blogspot.com/

The next one is a blog by my online friend, Beth, whom I hope to meet in person someday. She is the original inspiration for me beginning my own gratitude journey. She is deeply honest, and she words it all beautifully. The change I've seen in her life since her gratitudes began has been a complete 180.
The Kindness Project

Next is a beautiful photo blog by a girl named Kelle Hampton. Her blog is full of gorgeous photos of her life and her family, but I first started reading with this post...get Kleenexes if you plan to read it.
http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

My friend, Kellie, has a fun blog about crafty things, cool thoughts and great photos. Check her out!
http://thoughtsunperfected.blogspot.com/

If you're into crafts and homemade gifts and such, check out "Crap I've Made." She makes some really great stuff. Enjoyable!
http://www.crapivemade.com/

The next one by another Sarah (awesomeness!) is a beautiful blog! Check out what she has to say in today's post and follow her!
http://www.sarahjoyalbrecht.com/2011/04/26/grandma-through-the-fence/

Last one...I love to ogle the photos and creativity of this chick. She is a sewing and designing genius and her creations are so great!
http://grosgrainfabulous.blogspot.com/

Gratitudes 2011 - #13

2011-04-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

There are times where I'm faced with decisions and I have to make a choice of whether I will respond or react. If you've ever taken the Life Languages test, you know that a "Responder" (points to self) is passionate and quick to feel and act and speak without much forethought.

While I know that I resemble that remark (sigh), I also know that reacting isn't a mature way to handle things most of the time. So this time I'm trying to learn to respond, putting some forethought into what to say and not say, and also listening to my spirit and to what God wants to say.

When you feel hurt, it's easy to jump down other people's throats or snap at them or play the victim. I don't want to do that. It's immature and it's a sure sign that I'm not practicing what I preach. So I'm choosing to take situations more slowly and to think things through before I immediately snap to a decision on what to do.

I know that God is working on my heart. Forgiveness and compassion are in there somewhere and I know that God is helping me bring them to the surface. Sometimes, the way he chooses to do that is simply to offer me the grace when I'm enduring trials...accepting that grace is a choice, though. But I'm learning.

I was listening to "Music Machine," a CD of kids' songs I used to listen to when I was child. There's a song about peace, and how all that peace really is is holding Jesus' hand. It's easy to let go of His hand when I want to do what I want to do, but I don't want to let go this time.

Are my feelings hurt? Yes. But that will pass. The things I could say through the filter of hurt wouldn't pass as easily, though, and would do more damage than good. They would be easy to say, but impossible to take back. I am choosing instead to hold on to Jesus' hand as hard as I can.

Today, I'm grateful for...

Sunshine and warm breeze.

Lilacs under the family room window...the scent is amazing right now.

Rest. Although I haven't totally followed my "Do Nothing Day" rules today, I got a couple of things finished and I am now ready to relax for a while.

Inspiration.

My sons. Even though I sometimes take their presence for granted, they snap me to attention with their kisses and hugs and their little thoughtful words that they don't know have such an effect on my heart.

Flowers and trees and singing birds...winter felt interminable. But it's over.

Gratitudes 2011 - #12

2011-04-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." - Isaiah 53:5

"The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said." - Matthew 28:5-6

There isn't much of anything else I can say today other than to whisper words of thanks. This weekend of remembering Jesus' death and resurrection never ceases to give me a sense of awe and gratitude. I will never understand a love like the love God has for me, but I am supremely thankful that the eyes of my heart are open to see it.

Today, I'm grateful for...

Hope. No matter what happens, because of Jesus I have hope.

Simple things. The laughter of my children, a kiss on the cheek from my husband, a beautiful sunset (like the one last night), listening to my own heartbeat in the silence...

Perspective.

The newness of Spring. It reminds me that Winter doesn't actually last as long as I think it does...in both the physical and spiritual senses.

Weakness. The ability to admit your weaknesses to yourself (and to others, for that matter) is actually a sign of strength. It's the person who puts on a brave facade or pretends that their life is perfect who is truly weak.

Laughter. I'm grateful that there are people in my life who can make me laugh. Laughter is good for the soul. :)

Joy in the journey. It's something I'm learning. I've never really been a "joy is in the journey" type of person. I've always been impatient to get where I'm going, and to get started on what I consider living. However, I've been learning that the majority of life is actually the journey and the waiting. If you can't be thankful and joyful in the waiting, you are going to miss out on most of your life. Existing from event to event is no way to live.

I hope you grasp the full meaning of Easter and that you catch hold of the hope that it represents. It wasn't just a one-time event...Yes, it happened in a few days' span of time, but the truth of this time of remembrance is that it is an eternal event, and the ripple effect will continue until the end of time.

Gratitudes 2011 - #11

2011-04-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

I’m checking in! Here I am! *waving* I haven’t gone anywhere, except maybe in my head.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the ways my attitude has affected my circumstances in the past, both for the better and for the worse. A lot of instances come to mind when I think about how it has had such an effect on the course of my life, influencing my decisions and opening or closing doors. Ultimately, I know that God is always working in my life, but I am also well aware that my attitude determines a lot more than I give it credit for.

I’ve seen it in people I know, as well. I have seen some who choose to have a terrible attitude about life and about other people, and have ended up losing much of what they care about because of it. I’ve also seen the flip side - all the good that can come to a person because of the blessing of positivity.

A positive attitude can affect change in your life. It can soften the hearts of hard-hearted people around you. It can open doors. It can be a beacon to those in your life who feel like they are in despair. Something about a positive person makes other people feel at peace, like everything is going to be okay.

Having a good attitude all the time is REALLY hard…next to impossible, really. *points to self* Still working on it…

Negative people are inwardly-focused. It’s all about them. They are often most comfortable playing the victim in all of their relationships as a means of controlling others. It’s always everyone else’s fault. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…negative people are often in denial that they are the common denominator in all their failed relationships.

I desperately don’t want that to be me. I know myself, though. I have a really bad negativity habit that God has been gradually working on. I’d love to see it gone for good. It’s got to be gradual, though, because I think God wants me to see the little victories He brings about by the lessons I’m learning. Even in regards to something as simple as an attitude adjustment. I will likely never see the end of this “work in progress” in my lifetime. But HE began the work and HE has the blueprint in mind.

I think life is a series of surrenders…We can choose to surrender to God and remain open to Him, whether He does what we think He should do or not. Or we can be enslaved by our own negativity and fear, and surrender to a victim mentality. Sometimes all you can do in a situation is surrender. Letting go of what could be, even some good things, can leave us open for the best that God has for us. Letting go of pain, of negative attitudes, of bitterness, of anger, of unforgiveness, of the desire to control, of the possibility that things could have been any different…these are the surrenders we need to make.

Negativity is a big wall made up of a bunch of old baggage. Drop the old baggage. Negative people hoard bad experiences and keep them like notches in their belts or like badges of honor, when (really) the honor is in letting go and forgiving. God isn’t hindered by our junk. But WE are hindered by it--there’s no room to receive the good things He has in store for us if we hold on to our old stuff.

A positive person is someone who continually loves despite being hurt. A positive person is someone who is able to periodically go through that pile of old baggage and get rid of the unnecessary items. A positive person is gracious and grateful. (Please, God, let that be me someday.) I am learning to let go of my bad attitudes, but it’s so easy to fall back into them. Negativity is a self-indulgent, me-focused addiction that I know God can help me break. I’m thankful that He is with me.

Today, my friend Beth posted a quote by Chuck Swindoll that I thought was so fitting and kind of spurred me on even more in my desire to write about this idea. Here’s the quote:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church…a home. The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fac that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”

So I want to encourage you to make positive attitude choices, my friends. I want the best for you and I know God does, too.

Today, I’m grateful for…

Good choices.

Green grass.

Blossoms.

The bittersweetness of life…it’s more sweet than bitter, though.

Learning to let go.

Friends, both near and far.

Love.

Emptiness and learning to let God fill the voids.

Encouragement.

Getting my creative juices flowing again. Here are a few photos from an engagement session I did this past weekend. They were a really great couple to work with!

Gratitudes 2011 - #10

2011-03-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

So I’ve been on a blog break. Not sure why, but a day turned into a week…which turned into a few weeks. But it ended up being a good thing and something I feel God led me into. Over those few weeks, I’ve had some good talks with God and He’s shown me some things in my heart that need work. I guess that it’s good for me to take breaks now and then, so I can see if my desire to express my gratitude this way has actually had any REAL effects on my attitudes and on the true condition of my heart…I’m happy to say that it has.

Instead of being down on myself because of the issues I see in my heart, I have been able to look past them and still see myself the way God sees me. That’s a big deal for me. A couple of years ago, I would probably have carried my issues around like a dark cloud and let myself get overwhelmed by the amount of work that *I* would have had to do. But in the middle of all of this God-led self-discovery, this Scripture came to me…

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”--Philippians 1:6

If you read that Scripture and really, truly take it to heart, you will be able to remember, even in the darkest of times, that God is still working on you. You’re not finished yet! You will have issues until you die. You will still have faults. You will still have times where you look at yourself and think, “Have I really changed at all???” But you have. You are a work in progress and you always will be. The heartening thing is that HE is the one doing the work. All you have to do is yield.

Sometimes the yielding is the hardest part of the whole deal. But the promise is that there will be a completion. I think there are times when that thought is all I have to hold on to because I know I can’t really do anything in my own strength. But that’s the comfort you find in God…He is always working in you. He is always speaking truth. He is always loving you. He is always hearing you. He is always there, even when it feels like He isn‘t.

I hope you realize the truth that God, who created you, loves you and will continue to do the GOOD work He started. It’s not up to you, thank goodness! So keep your head up. Keep your eyes on the horizon. Pain ends. Heartache fades. Even life’s peaks descend into valleys, at times. The one constant is the true love of your Creator and He never lets go.

Today I’m grateful for…

Quality Time. It’s my love language.

Sadness. When you mourn, you will be comforted. It’s a promise from God.

Not knowing. I am coming to a bit of a crossroads where I don't know what's happening next. However, instead of feeling fearful or like I am heading downhill, I am beginning to feel the excitement I get from waiting on God. He always does things I don’t expect.

Connections. I’m so thankful for the friendships and connections in my life. I value my friends and family so much and I am so grateful for each and every one.

Loneliness. I have moments where I feel completely alone in a crowd. It's not often, but when it happens and I give it to God, He reminds me that He is all I need. Such an important thing to learn.

Music. It’s a gift from God, whether it mentions Jesus or not. To me, music is the art of the heart. It speaks to me and says things I can’t express.

This song (below)…It’s by Colin Hay and it’s called “Waiting for My Real Life to Begin”. There’s a line in it that says, “And You say, ‘Be still, my love. Open up your heart and let the light shine in.'” As my 4-year-old son, Brendan, quotes Psalm 46:10, “SIT STILL and know that I am God.” This song renews my desire to be still and know. It doesn’t mention Jesus, but I know that it expresses how I feel sometimes. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4tcRlHY-3Q

Gratitudes 2011 - #9

2011-03-09T17:47:00.001-08:00

You know how there are times when God uses your misunderstandings with other people just to let you see what’s really in your own heart? Yeah, that’s been me the past few days. It’s just been one of those weeks. I guess, though, that it’s been a good thing because I have seen myself get better, even this week, at tempering my attitudes. It’s truly through no good thing in myself, I’ll tell you that for sure.

It’s easy to remain hurt, to play the victim or to blame others when you‘ve been wronged. The hard part is forgiving, letting go and being honest with yourself about the part you play in your own failed interactions. Humility is something I’m trying to learn. Humility is a key ingredient in the mixture that is forgiveness.

Why is forgiving so hard? I suppose if it were an easy thing, we wouldn’t appreciate the forgiveness and undeserved favor we have in our own lives. By realizing how hard it is to really forgive, we realize how much God loves us. I know that I have done so many things to hurt Him. I have yelled and screamed at Him, questioned His existence and squandered His love. He keeps loving me, though, and He forgives me even before I ask Him to.

The Prodigal Son could have played the victim, or he could have blamed everyone else but himself for the problems in his life. But if he had, he probably would have stayed and wallowed in the pig sty for the rest of his life. Instead, when he turned to head home, he was shocked and overjoyed to see his father running toward him with open arms, because he had been sure his father would reject him. He was certain that he would be forced to become a servant, and he was okay with that. He knew what he had put his father through.

Instead, the father brought out his best robe and put it on his son. He had his servants make the best meal they could to welcome the boy home. He threw a party! Did he care that his son had squandered his inheritance on the worst possible things? No. He was just happy to have his son home, and he wanted his son to know that he was loved and accepted.

I assure you that forgiving would be harder for me, no matter how much I love the other person. As faulty humans, we put up walls and we give the cold shoulder when we’ve been hurt. But the story of the Prodigal Son is not just a lesson in God’s love for us, it’s also a lesson in forgiving and letting go of our hurts.

The Father is the best example of forgiveness we can have. He first loved us. He sacrificed everything for us, even though He knew we would never really be able to appreciate it. That’s a big deal. That’s a REALLY big deal.

So I hope you take some time to appreciate that forgiveness is HUGE. I heard someone say that forgiveness is letting go of the possibility that the past could have been any different than it was. It’s about releasing those who have hurt you from your judgment and your grudges, and expecting no more of them. It’s about loving, even if you don’t like what the person does. That’s hard. I’m the first to admit it. But if God, the Father, can do it for me (knowing who I am on the inside), I can learn to do it, too.

Today, I’m grateful for…

Seeing myself for who I am. When I can really take a look at myself and take stock of the good and bad things in my heart, I can truly start to learn from my mistakes. But I can also appreciate the good things I see in myself.

Laughter. It’s been a life saver this past little while.

Chocolate. Another life saver. (You think I’m kidding, don’t you?)

Having so much to look forward to. God is so good to me in the NOW, but I’m so grateful to have exciting things ahead.

Friends. I have so many encouragers in my life and I’m wholeheartedly grateful for all of you.

My bootstraps. Sometimes they’re necessary, because I occasionally need to pull myself up by them.

Learning to focus on what IS happening rather than on what is NOT happening. I used to be the kind of person who focused on what people weren’t doing or on what I did not see happening in my life. Gratitude has given me the shift I needed to look at all the amazing things that are happening, even when some things aren’t. To everything there is a season…

I hope you are able to see yourself for who you really are. Be transparent about your flaws…I’m not talking about the muffin top that pops out of your jeans (ugh!) or the wrinkles that appear on your face. I’m talking about REAL faults here--not in a “woe is me” or an “I’m so horrible” way, but in an honest/self-accepting kind of way. I’m talking about taking stock of the things that need to change in your heart and then asking God to take control. Giving over control is not easy, but I’ll tell you for sure that it’s worth it.

Gratitudes 2011 - #8

2011-03-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

It feels like forever since I've been able to write anything or to even put two coherent thoughts together. I am so thankful to be back on the wellness wagon! I feel like myself again after the last couple of weeks of feeling horrid. FINALLY! I am going to do everything I can to avoid more germs. Spring is in sight and I don’t want to be sick again.

Today I’m grateful for…

Being sick. Nothing makes you more grateful for feeling good than being sick does. Stomach viruses are awful. So I’m grateful that I was so sick, so that I could actually appreciate feeling normal again. You have no idea.

Cyber school. I love that it’s flexible enough to allow us to have sick days. Liam was sick after I was, so that made for an interesting school week. However, for some reason, I got him 5 days ahead on his school work last week, and it ended up that we needed that time. Things work out!

A homecoming. Lt. Col. Bryan Wood, my friend's Marine husband, came home from Afghanistan today. It gives me hope that more of our servicemen and women will be able to come home soon to their families. I know many families who are enduring a deployment and I pray for them all the time...I can only imagine how hard it must be. I pray that God rewards them a million-fold for their sacrifices.

Being one day closer to Spring! Hooraaaaay!

Loving myself. There’s nothing as fulfilling as learning to love who you are. There will always be things you don’t like, but loving yourself in spite of the things you don’t like is so important. If you love yourself and learn to see yourself the way God sees you, you will love other people, too.

Texting! OMG…people. Somebody stop me. Seriously, I can see that this could become issue and I’ve only been doing it for a week. However, it’s so nice to be able to send lovely little friendly messages to people I don’t get to see often and to know that they’ll get the messages immediately. Can you tell I’m a novice?

Walks with my kids. Yesterday I went walking with both of the boys, and today I went with just Brendan (he and I are not sick, so it was good for us to get out). We have the best talks and it's fun to see what they notice about the world.

Losing my dream house. It was never mine, I guess, even though it felt like it was. It was just sold, probably for the same amount we offered last year. I am trusting that God has the exact right space for our family. In the meantime, I am so grateful to be living in a house that I already love. Someday we’ll have a property and a big backyard. Until that happens, though, I will continue to love Colligan Castle.

Being able to take care of my family. I’m not sick anymore…they are. Which means I can take care of my sickies and do what they need done…including scrubbing barf out of the rug. (Don’t get me started on that.) If we had all been sick at the same time, it would not have been pretty.

Another upcoming trip to KC. Today, I booked my trip and I’m going in two weeks! Yay for seeing my KC friends! Mama is looking forward to traveling.

Love. Learning to do everything out of love is SO difficult. Scolding my children in love. Speaking the truth in love. I guess I have a lot of learning to do on this subject, but I AM learning. God is a great teacher because He does everything for me out of love, including gently telling me when I’m wrong. I love that about Him.

I hope you can see Spring ahead…the dormant season is almost over! I always see Springtime as a prophetic thing. The spiritual is reflected in the natural. This is the first Winter in a long time, though, where I haven’t felt dead. I have actually enjoyed as much of it as I could and I’ve seen the difference in myself this time around. Gratitude has had an effect on me in areas that I don’t even get to see all the time, including the fact that my normal demeanor and my everyday attitude seem to have permanently shifted a few degrees toward the sunny side. Who would have thought? Even when I’m at my worst, I still feel peace and I trust that God is working on my behalf. I hope you can do the same.

Gratitudes 2011 - #7 (Emptiness)

2011-02-18T09:51:00.000-08:00

"Empty"
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: containing nothing
Synonyms: abandoned, bare, barren, blank, clear, dead, deflated, depleted, desert, deserted, desolate, despoiled, destitute, devoid, dry, evacuated, exhausted, forsaken, godforsaken, hollow, lacking, stark, unfilled, unfurnished, uninhabited, unoccupied, vacant, vacated, vacuous, void, wanting, waste

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I have been thinking lately about emptiness. What does it mean to be empty? I was even awake last night thinking about it. I guess what has been striking me so much about the thought is that emptiness is something we fight so hard against, especially in our culture. We don’t want empty bank accounts, empty stomachs, empty schedules, empty hearts...

Why do we fight so hard against the feeling of emptiness? Why do we feel like we have to fill ourselves? In our culture, our lives are filled with noise--technology, busy activities, people who talk and talk and talk, teachings about needless doctrines, huge amounts of food, addictions, vain ambitions, closets filled with things we’ll never wear. People claw their way to the top of their career ladders, only to find that they are still empty.

The thing that I love about Jesus is that he is so opposite us. In Philippians 2:7, Paul says that Jesus “emptied Himself” (Greek - “kenoo” ) or “made Himself nothing” and took on the form of a servant. Why would He choose to empty Himself of His glory? Notice that there’s nothing in the life of Jesus that points toward following ambition, or striving to have more, or making a big deal of yourself. He wants us to be empty because our emptiness is His opportunity to live in us.

In the last couple of years, God has occasionally spoken to me with the words, “Embrace the emptiness.” Every time He speaks those words to me, the picture of an dry, cracked water pitcher comes to mind. He seems to lovingly bring this up whenever my life is busy and full and I’m feeling very self-satisfied. Each time it happens, I am reminded that I am empty on my own. He wants me to embrace being empty because then I remember that He is the only one who can truly fill me.

I am that empty, cracked water pitcher. I am flawed. I have nothing in me to give. But God is the glue that holds my cracked self together. He is the one who fills me. If I keep pouring out, He will keep filling me. Continuously emptying yourself keeps you from becoming stagnant. And embracing the fact that you are empty, but loved anyway, makes you grateful.

Gratitude has taught me to be okay with being empty. Knowing my place--the place of the prodigal son, the place of the thief on the cross next to Jesus’, the place of the grateful leper, the place of the one sheep he left the 99 to find--has left me feeling so humbled that He would choose to fill me. I don’t really care now about being the best at things or about having the most friends or filling my closet. I don’t care about being involved in a million activities or filling my bank account. All of that is vanity because I know it leads nowhere and is a counterfeit for the truest riches. I still have my moments, and I always will, where I forget my place and I get a big head.

I need to embrace my emptiness more often. In fact, I feel like I've been in a season of embracing it. That doesn’t mean I need to take a vow of poverty, get rid of my cell phone or burn all of my secular CDs…it just means that I need to keep reminding myself of my place. I’m loved in spite of the fact that I’m barren and dark at my core. I’m loved in spite of my evil motives and my bitter grudges. God wants to use me. He wants to fill me. I don’t know why He wants to, but I’m so grateful that He does. Knowing that I'm loved anyway makes me trust Him more.

So I hope you learn to embrace being empty. Even some of the best weight-loss gurus talk about embracing emptiness and hunger instead of fighting it. Once you've come to terms with your emptiness and the things that are truly in your heart, I guarantee you will be humbled by the fact that He loves you as you are. I know that I have nothing to offer God, except my broken, barren self. He sees the good things in me that I don't see in myself, the dormant seeds, and He is the one who will bring those things out and nurture and grow them. He will do the same for you if you let Him.

Gratitudes 2011 - #6

2011-02-17T07:39:00.000-08:00

Today I'm grateful for...

A happy Valentine's Day. If you know me, you know I don't celebrate it, generally, but I do like to make it fun for my boys and remind them in a tiny way that they will always be in my heart. They each got their chocolates, a teddy bear and a handmade card. Then Sean took us out for lunch to their favorite place...Chick-fil-A.

Family dates. We've gotten to have a few in the last while and I have to say that it's great to be able to make memories with our kids.

Knowing that Winter is almost over.

Legos and Kung-Zhus. They go a long way when kids are grounded from TV and video games for more than a week. :)

A job for Sean.

Knowing this job is only going to last a few days. hee hee...

A job for me. Even though the bulk of the work is pretty much done for now, I have enjoyed doing something different. That's probably why Winter has gone so quickly for me.

Friends--near ones and far ones.

The U. S. of A...For all its problems and contentious issues, I love my country and I always will.

DVR.

Sunshine and the promise of warmer weather...Truthfully, I can say that this Winter hasn't been too bad for me, but I can't wait to see green again!

Flip-flops...never thought I'd be so excited to crack them out again. Let's see if we can do that this weekend!

Toenail polish. Yeah, 'nuff said.

I hope you have a wonderful day, and I hope you keep your eyes on the horizon. It's really easy to get dragged down by the day-to-day circumstances that don't seem to go our way. Don't let it grind you down. I'll try to do the same.

Gratitudes 2011 - #5

2011-02-05T06:01:00.000-08:00

After trying to blog a couple of times this week and after having my blogging plans thwarted by accidentally deleting or by having my computer shut down just as I’m posting, I figured I’d wait a few days. I was too annoyed.

So today I’m grateful for…

Weekends. Since we do school at home during the week, my weekends are precious to me. I love waking up on a Sunday morning and realizing that I could sit in my pajamas with my mug of coffee in my hand all day if I want to. Such a lovely feeling.

My peeps. I have the best church ever…just sayin’.

My red knitted hat. Despite the fact that it’s not Sean’s favorite, I love it. Wearing it makes me happy.

Fighting a cold. It hasn’t hit me full-force yet, thank God. It’s been a while since I’ve been sick, so I’m thankful that it’s only a little sniffle right now. A little sniffle ain’t so bad.

No snow. We’ve only had the occasional flurries this week, while the rest of the country is snowed in or frozen over. That’s a first!

A nap. I needed one today and BOY did I get one. It was one of those naps that are hard to wake up from, but I finally did. I feel much better now, even though I can't breathe well through my nose.

Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh is a sports town full of awesome people. I was in the store today and, even though the Super Bowl isn’t until tomorrow, SO many people were wearing their black & gold jerseys. So happy and it’s such a cool feeling to share excitement with half a million other locals. I'm also grateful for Pittsburgh football...DUH!

Wool socks. I love having toasty toes. Sean's work socks are so warm and comfy, and even though the heel of the sock is closer to my ankle than my heel, I still wear them.

Crime TV. I so enjoy sitting on my couch on Saturday evening after church and watching 48 Hours: Hard Evidence on TLC. There’s something so fascinating about crime-solving. I should have been a detective.

A good place. I have my three fellas around me. I have great friends. I have a wonderful life. I have so much to be thankful for and I know it. Being in touch with your blessings is the best way to keep yourself in a good place. I am now always conscious of when I feel myself developing a bad attitude because it feels foreign and it just feels wrong. I’m grateful that God keeps me in check.

I hope you are able to focus on the good things. I hope that you don’t just live between the big events. I’ve been trying not to do that myself, so I want to encourage you to live as much of your life as you can, even the so-called “boring” parts. Enjoy it while it lasts because it’s all a gift from God.

Gratitudes 2011 - #4

2011-01-27T04:59:00.001-08:00

There's a lot I could say. If you know me, you know that's true. :)

I've been thinking about the shortness of life. I've been wondering about why people waste their time on bitterness and regret and sadness, choosing to die a little more every day. I've been there, so I know what it's like to waste that time. But I'm also learning about what it takes to reverse that slow death process. I know we start dying from the moment we're born, but you can guarantee you'll die sooner (in more ways than one) if you're missing one big thing. Gratitude. It gets your focus off of the big, scary traumas and off of the little aggravations. Instead of keeping your eyes on the dark cloud above you, you begin to see the sun that is always above the storm and that God is always there. That's what happens when you choose to make that shift from the darkness to the light.

Living in the "what could have beens" is a really unhealthy thing. I know people who live that way and I've seen what it does to them. They are never happy with what they have or with who they are. They live with regret instead of being thankful for the short life they've been blessed with. They are unable to appreciate what is right in front of them because they are so focused on what they didn't do or what they don't have or where they haven't gone in life. It's pitiful, really. Regret profits you nothing and gets you nowhere. In fact, the people who live in regret and bitterness often have progressive health problems. Negativity produces negative results.

I think gratitude is one of the keys to a longer, happier life. As a part of doing volunteer work with the elderly for many years, beginning in my childhood, I met lots of people from different backgrounds and different circumstances. However, the ones who were the happiest were the ones who knew what a gift life was. They learned to be grateful for what they had, and by the stories they'd tell you'd know that they "got it". They had grasped the truth that a thankful heart is a healthy heart.

When you replace your bitterness and anger and regret with thankfulness, everything changes. I, personally, have learned so many life lessons just from getting more acquainted with the topic of gratitude. I'm still learning, too. Making the choice to be grateful and to keep being grateful was the best decision I have ever made. The thankful thoughts and emotions haven't always come easily, and there have been many times when I've lost the battle with myself. But I know through everything that God has been and always will be faithful to me, even though I don't deserve it. I think that knowing that one thing above all else, keeps me returning to my gratitude track. I hope I always return to gratitude, even after those times when I've allowed myself the occasional two-day wallow. Even in those times, I know that God loves me and will help me pick myself back up again. Part of gratitude is learning to look outside yourself. I hope to learn to do that more often as time goes on. Want to join me?

-----------------------------------

Today, I'm grateful for...

Union layoffs. I would personally like to thank God and the Union for the layoff. Thank you, God, and thank you, Union. Because of you, I have gotten to spend more time with my husband. I think this period of time, despite a few random difficult moments, has been one of the best in the last decade. We have all spent quality time together and we've made some great family memories. The kids have gotten to know Sean better, and he has gotten to know them better.

Good news. As my friends' daughter recovers from a head trauma, I watch in amazement at the news of her speedy recovery. Miracles DO happen.

Kids who are good at doing bedtime. I have heard horror stories, so having kids who don't give me trouble when it comes time to get in bed is priceless.

Lunch dates. I am grateful that I've had more one-on-one time with my husband recently. Today it was Indian food. Mmmm... I'm thankful to have such helpful, supportive parents. They are always offering their help us out with the kids when we need it. We don't take them up on their offers as often as we could, I guess, but I appreciate knowing that help is there.

My view of God. Not long ago, I heard someone say that many people feel that God is up there somewhere, distant and just waiting for us to mess up. I sat there and thought about that for a minute. I realized that I have never, ever felt that way about God. I've never felt like he was out to get me or that he was waiting to punish me for every mistake. Instead, since I was a little girl, I've always felt loved by God and I'm grateful that, though I have had more than my share of issues, I've never had to deal with that one. It's a biggie.

Using my brain. I'm glad I've had the opportunity to use the critical thinking part of my brain. It's been a little stagnant in recent years, so I am enjoying working on something that forces me to manage my time and energy more efficiently. Having a project is a good thing. :)

I hope you know that you're loved. I hope you know that life is too short to waste on wondering what you could have done differently. Get past that. You can't change the past, but you can choose to start being thankful for what you have now. It will change the direction of your future. You would not believe the changes in my life since I've decided to start this gratitude journey. I am looking forward to seeing what else can happen as I learn more about redirecting my energy from the bad to the good.

Gratitudes 2011 - PLEASE PRAY!

2011-01-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I was going to post a long note about all the things I'm grateful for, but right now I'm scrapping that because I just want you to pray.

My friend and fellow "Kitten", Beth, who was the catalyst that sparked the beginning of my gratitude journey, is currently sitting in a Florida hospital ICU, waiting and watching as her youngest daughter is tested hourly for a brain injury. Her daughter had an accident this afternoon, and the base of her skull is cracked and fluid is leaking out. The doctors have said that they will have to wait 48 hours to know what type of damage they're looking at.

Everyone, please pray right now for Beth's daughter and for their whole family. Please also pray specifically for Beth because I'm sure she is in shock right now.

Father, surround them all tonight with your arms of love, and I ask that you completely heal any injury that may have been caused by this accident.

Gratitudes 2011 - #2

2011-01-14T21:03:00.000-08:00

It's still snowing. Yes, it's cold and you know how I don't like snow, but I am actually starting to appreciate it. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I've been thinking about the object lesson associated with snowflakes...you know, the one about how everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way. Yeah, that one.

Well, then I realized that perhaps by creating snowflakes, God also wanted to give us a glimpse into himself. Maybe he wants us to remember what he's capable of. Maybe he wants us to think about the fact that we'll never be able to know him fully because there are so many different facets to His personality. All we can do is watch in wonder and wait for more.

Yesterday, just for fun, I was taking photos of the snowflakes. Sometimes there's a certain type of snow that falls where you can actually see the crystals in each snowflake. That's what we had yesterday--the big, fat, fluffy ones. They were beautiful, every single one. Even the ones that weren't "perfect", which was pretty much all of them. I guess there's a lot you can learn from a teeny, tiny snowflake, isn't there?

Think about it.

------------------------
Today, I'm grateful for...

My husband. Yes, I'm STILL thankful that he's laid off. We've had a lot of family fun, and I can see his relationship with the boys is growing even more. It makes me happy to see them play together and laugh...even though I hate Nerf guns.

Cyber school. One of the best decisions I ever made, albeit one of the hardest decisions in the follow-through, was taking my son, Liam, out of elementary school and choosing to teach him at home. I never thought I'd be one of "those" people. Hee hee...I've seen his brain blossom. I've seen him learn things he never would have learned in school. Cyber school is also nice because not everything relies on the parent. I don't have to do lesson plans. I don't have to buy materials. It's all supplied, and then some! AND IT'S FREE! Yeah. I'm so thankful that God planted the idea in my head because it's not something I would have immediately thought of. God knows what our kids need and every kid is different...kind of like a snowflake, ya know? :)

Using my brain. I've kind of let my mind go to mush in the last few years. I don't make a lot of time to read, even though I go through reading sprees where I can't get enough of books. I don't get much in the way of intellectual discussion or debate, except through The Debate Kittens (who, by the way, are all awesome women). I guess I have I have let myself go a bit in the brain department. So having more opportunities to stretch my noggin recently has been really nice...and incredibly difficult.

Coffee. Yep, it's the little things.

Remembering that God is always at work in my life. You know how you get to a place, now and then, where you kind of feel like you're hidden somehow...that's what I've been feeling. I'm learning that there are times where God "hides" us. Maybe it's because he's preparing us for something. Maybe it's because he is giving us emotional recovery time or giving us a chance to put our feet up. Maybe it's happening so that we can be sure that when a door opens, it wasn't by our own hand. I don't know WHY I feel "hidden" right now, but I know that God's stirring the pot. :)

The Steelers. Yes, football is one of the things that helps to keep me sane in the mid-winter season. Don't roll your eyes at me, people! I can be grateful for football if I want to be. So there (crosses arms in a huff)! Once we win the Super Bowl (again), I'm going to have to get into hockey. I like hockey right now, but I know I'm going to need my sports fix once football is over.

Not having to act spiritual. My mom wrote a book quite a few years back called, "I'm So Tired of Acting Spiritual". I HATE when I'm in a situation where I feel like I have to act spiritual, when God really only calls us to be ourselves, to love Him and to love our neighbor. I've been in fewer and fewer situations like that as time as gone on (probably because I've learned how to avoid them). Over time, it's dawned on me that God doesn't care how spiritual we act. He can see right through our facades. He loves us for who we are, so we need to get comfortable with that person inside of us that he loves so much. He doesn't love our attempts at appearing holy or how we try to gain approval based on what we do. The more we know about him, the less we will try to hide behind fake spirituality. Just be yourself. God loves you as you are.

I hope that you remember today that you can never get bored with God. There's always something new to learn about Him. I hope you know that he knows you and loves you just the way you are, so you now have no excuse not to love yourself. If the God of the universe (who, by the way, created every living thing), thinks you're amazing...well, that means you're pretty amazing! There is something valuable inside of you that nobody else has. Something only you have to share with the world. God sees that piece of rock in there, and he's more than able to coax it to the surface, cut it, polish it and make something beautiful out of it.

Gratitudes 2011 - #1

2011-01-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

So here we are. The 1st week of 2011 comes to a close.

I have been trying to decide what I want to do with this year's Gratitudes. Do I want to keep it going the way it's been, or do I want to change it up a little bit? I haven't decided for sure, but I DO know that I want to add in more photography. Maybe now and then I'll do an all-photo gratitude list. It's easy to do because I have things all around me to be thankful for. Also, I'm thinking that I'll blog about things outside of the "sphere of gratitude"--thoughts and dreams and projects and people and places.

I guess I'm wanting some sort of good change in EVERY area of my life. I have no delusion that my blog is being read by a lot of people. I know I have a couple of people who read every post, but I know this is something most people, even those on my FB friends list, will never see. Thus, this blog is more for my benefit than it is for anyone else. I hope it's encouraging, though, if you DO happen to read it.

I've been thinking a lot about my life recently and the things I want to see happen in my life this year. So maybe this blog will also be a place where I can work out my thoughts and experiences. But I hope you know that you are free to comment and give your own thoughts on different topics that come up.

Bear with me while I work it all out. I am, and always will be, grateful and I hope that I reflect that in my life and my words...and my photos, for that matter. :)

This week, I'm grateful for...

Tourtiere. Sean made it from scratch. In fact, he made a few. It turned out great and the crust is fabulous and I know have a freezer full of tourtiere awaiting future meals. So good.

Family time. A layoff allows for that time and I'm so grateful that we're getting to have time with Sean, even though that means our bank account is a little lower than usual. God is good and we know that there is a purpose for everything. So we're taking advantage of the time we have together.

Playdates--with and without kids. :) Recently, I've had some time with friends by myself and I've had time with friends WITH my kids. Both ways it's been good and I'm thankful for quality time in any form.

Snow. Yes, I'm trying. If you know me, you know that I HATE snow and Winter is my hibernation period. However, in an effort to really live in every season of life...and in every season of the year...I'm choosing to be thankful for the snow. It's really beautiful when it sparkels in the sun, and I love the thought that there are diamonds hidden in there for me.

New mercies every morning. I don't deserve them, but God gives them to me anyway.

A wonderful Christmas season. This is the first time in a while where, when people ask me how my holidays were, I can say sincerely that they were easy and mellow and enjoyable. There was no "rush-rush", as there tends to be. There was no insane focus on buying things and spending money. I decided after Thanksgiving that I wanted to take it easy and really enjoy the real reason for the Christmas celebration. It worked and I am so thankful that I got to really experience Christmas for the first time in a long time.

The Shawshank Redemption. I love that movie. I love it. I love it. I love it. It's a story about how you can choose to let institutionalization overtake you, or you can hold on to hope that the strength inside you can't be choked out if you don't let it. We watched it last night and it was a good reminder for me to continue to hope. God knows what he's doing.

I hope that you really think about the direction you want your life to take, especially in this new year. I hate making resolutions, but I do know that everyone has dreams. So I hope that some of your dreams come true this year. Keep your chin up. One of my FB friends, Heather Sanders, posted this as her status: "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something. The faithful see the invisible, believe the incredible and receive the impossible." It reminded me that I shouldn't give up or lose hope just because I've been feeling like I'm down to nothing. God has a plan and he's never failed me. God has a plan for you, too, and don't forget it. :)

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Grateful - 12/31/2010

2010-12-31T14:05:00.000-08:00

The other day, someone asked me what my resolutions for 2011 look like. I thought about it for a minute and realized I don't have any. I'm not really a yearly resolution type of person. Yes, a new year is a good time to start fresh and it feels like a clean slate. But I guess you could say I've resolved NOT to make any resolutions. I want to see where this year takes me. I want to see the plans that God has. I think that's because I've begun to learn the value of every day, and the value of resolving every day to be a better version of myself. New mercies every morning...

Last New Year's Eve, I thought about wanting to exercise more often to get my endurance and stamina back. While I didn't "resolve" to do it, I ended up doing it just because I wanted to and because I got addicted to walking outside, rain or shine. I have felt physically better this year than I have in years. I walked off periods of sadness. I walked off a tired mind, body and spirit. I walked off stress and fear. Personally, I had to turn my focus away from weight loss and fruitless resolutions of dieting or fitting into an old pair of trousers, and on to taking care of myself and loving who I am RIGHT NOW. Since I've begun to do that, I couldn't care less about those few extra pounds. I now feel like I can look in the mirror and love the person I see looking back at me, extra weight and all, and that (to me) is more important than any weight loss could ever be. Love your curves, ladies. You're beautiful as you are.

I guess the one thing I do want out of this year is something I can't really "resolve" to do. I want to get back my sense of awe about life. When you're focused, as I often am, on just trying to survive each day and to make it through as unscathed as possible, you lose the concept of the bigger picture. You lose perspective and the ability to see the little speed bumps in life's road for what they are...molehills, not mountains. I want to get back that sense of being small in the universe, and to focus instead on the beautiful life God has created for me. This year, I let a few molehills become mountains and I don't want to do that again.

Along with that sense of awe, I just want to focus on being open to whatever God has in store. He's already gotten me started in a few things that I'm looking forward to seeing the outcome of. I want to be more grateful. I want to learn from the bad and to cherish the good. I want God to give me more opportunities to be his hand extended to another person. I want to love my kids and my husband even more. I want to be a better friend. I want to have more fun. I want to be more content with life, but to also look for adventures along the way. I want to be less religious and more about relationship, when it comes to my faith. These aren't things I can really "resolve" to do, but I want to see them happen and experience the joy of seeing my life change in the process. Maybe you want to join me in not resolving to do anything except just BEING--actively "being", not becoming complacent.

So, to end the 2010 chapter of my gratitude journey, I only want to lift my face, close my eyes and say, "Thank you." There is nothing more I can say to the One who loves me most.

Happy New Year, everyone. May 2011 be your best year yet!

Grateful - 12/30/2010

2010-12-30T07:07:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm grateful for...

An easy Christmas holiday. This past week has been great because it's gone slowly. Usually, it feels like our vacations or holidays go quickly, so this has been a welcome change.

A WHITE Christmas. As much as I loathe Winter, it was really, really nice to have snow falling on Christmas.

Encouragement. There will always be naysayers because that's just the way life goes. However, God puts encouraging people into our lives for a reason. It's so much harder to listen to the good and thumb your nose at the bad, but it's so important.

WWII marathons. Sean and I watched all of "Band of Brothers" in two nights and then all of "The Pacific" in ONE night. Yes, we're insane, but it was well worth it. Every time I watch things like that, that are based on the lives and experiences of real people, I come away from them with a deeper understanding and appreciation for the strength and fortitude of those who served. I also come away realizing the insanity of war.

Biting my tongue. It's something I've been trying to incorporate into my life over the past few years and it has been serving me well. There are many times in the past where I have said what I REALLY thought without filtering and without picking my battles, or I've spat out a quick retort without thinking. Those situations never ended well. In the last couple of years, I've seen a change in myself where, if someone says something I just let it hang in the air. I hold myself back from returning fire with a comment which (though true) would just end up making things worse. There's often wisdom in keeping your mouth shut.

Quiet. This past month, I have been away from my computer more often. I haven't watched TV much, other than a few movie nights and the occasional DVR catch-up session. The quiet has been great. A lot of what I do (photography editing, writing, etc.) is computer-related, so I welcome the change of pace.

My network. I have a lot of friends who live here in the Pittsburgh area and I have an even larger network of friends who live in other states and other countries. I value all of these friendships and they have gotten me through a lot of difficult times. They have made me realize that there ARE people I can lean on and with whom I can share my weaknesses.

I hope you know that there's wisdom in holding back. Some of the best advice I've gotten has been that hard times come and they pass, so don't make any rash or life-changing decisions when you're in the middle of an emotionally difficult time. Also, as I've been learning, there are times when it's important to keep your mouth shut. There truly is also a time for saying what needs to be said, but learning the difference is what's the most important. Sometimes humility is the most obvious in a person in what they DON'T say. God, help me to remember that. :)

Grateful - 12/24/2010

2010-12-24T07:02:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for...

Cozy days. Today, we stayed at home and got in the Christmas mood. I have to say that after today, I actually have the warm fuzzies that I like to feel at this time of year. I spent the early part of my morning with all three of my fellas in bed with me. We had a big breakfast, we watched Christmas movies, listened to Christmas music, drank egg nog and ate cookies all day. I baked, I made fudge and we had a wonderful day at home.

Linus' reminder of what Christmas is all about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKk9rv2hUfA

A long walk. I walked for nearly 2 hours in a pretty hard, windy snow. It was lovely, though. I smiled the whole time and I felt more grateful than I have in a long time.

Our new basement room. Sean and my dad have spent a lot of time working down there and their labor has paid off. It's a lovely, warm space where we will all enjoy spending time.

Acts of kindness that aren't particularly random. They're good for all the people involved.

Layoffs. I could look at the downside, but I'm not going to. We are able to have Sean with us all the time (for now) and we are all enjoying that part of it. So thank you, God, for the layoff. :)

Ignoring the stress. I have had a lot of different things that have tried to preoccupy me, and many have succeeded in the last few weeks. However, today I chose to forget all of those things and just enjoy myself...hence, the smile on my face and the warm fuzzies in my heart.

Christmas movies. It's A Wonderful Life. Miracle on 34th Street, The Nativity Story, A Christmas Carol, A Christmas Story, White Christmas, Charlie Brown Christmas. They never cease to lighten my mood and remind me about what is important, even when it's not Christmas. So much more this time of year.

Time with my friends. Last night, I got to hang out with Tammy for some girl time, and this evening I got to hang out with Slavina and Roy and their little baby, Gabriel. Holding a sweet little baby for 3 hours made the boring (but successful) Steelers game a lot better.

I hope that you take a moment this weekend to remember what is truly important.
Have a wonderful, blessed, safe, happy, cozy, memorable Christmas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKk9rv2hUfA

Grateful - 12/15/10

2010-12-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

There are days where everything seems to make sense. Then there are days where everything you say, everything you hear, everything you think sounds like dialogue from Pingu or like Charlie Brown's teacher. "Wah wah wah wah..." The wonderful thing is that God is faithful and loving and generous and caring no matter which day I'm having. His is the voice that shoots through the fog and cuts straight into my heart. I love that about Him. He is always present in my life, even when I'm not.

I'm grateful for...

Steelers tickets! Bill (my brother) and I had a fun time seeing our favorite team play. We saw Polamalu make two interceptions, one of which he ran for a touchdown. It was cold and rainy, we ate food that wasn't good for us, we dressed unfashionably and even adopted some thick Pittsburgh accents when we felt like it. But we cheered our team to victory and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.

Kittens. The Debate Kittens are a group of women I came in contact with online. We started out debating politics, religion, news...whatever was debate-worthy. Over time, though, we have become friends. The Kittens are incredibly supportive and thoughtful. Because of them, I started to really think about what I believe about certain things. Because of them I know that I have a place to stay in pretty much any state in the country. We don't all share the same beliefs, but that doesn't seem to matter.

Layoffs. This time around it's been harder, but I'm still grateful that we get to have Sean here with us. Plus, he and my dad have been going crazy trying to finish the basement remodel and it's looking great. There WILL be a guest suite/hangout room down there soon! Looking forward to making use of that space.

Random acts of kindness. I LOVE to do them because it's one of the instances in life where I can feel God smiling. Random acts of kindness are an opportunity to be an extension of God's hand, even in a small way.

My car. It's been such a blessing to me to have it. I know that getting it was a "God thing." I'm also grateful that both of our cars are paid off. Not everyone can say that.

The empty fridge. This morning, I opened the fridge to find something to feed the kids, but there was nothing much in there. I had to laugh...and then I had to go grocery shopping. The empty fridge means I've been really busy doing fun things, so I haven't had time to shop. However, I did go shopping and bought enough to last us a couple of weeks. It IS possible to feed a family of four decently for under $75 a week...even less if you know what you're doing. (Bows)

Snow...I'm cringing as I type it, but maybe I can do the "fake it till you make it" thing. Maybe someday I'll REALLY be grateful for snow, but until that day comes I am grateful that we're another day closer to Spring! The six inches on the ground is making me happy for the coming of Spring.

Having coffee with a UK friend. I have a friend who lives across the ocean who says that reading my gratitudes is like sitting down and chatting with me over coffee. It's a nice visual and I hope that's how people feel when they read what I write.

Hearing my kids laugh until they can't breathe. There is no better sound. It's impossible not to smile when kids are laughing from their guts. :)

Loving myself. I haven't always loved myself, but I am learning to do that these days. I love that God created me. I love that he has had a purpose for me from before time. I love that He considers me lovely, even when I don't. I can love myself because HE loves me.

I hope you realize that it's good to love yourself. I hope you have some laugh-till-it-hurts moments...I know I'd love a few. I hope you know that God provides for your needs, so worrying isn't helpful. I also hope you learn to live well, no matter what your bank account balance says. Living well has nothing to do with money and everything to do with attitude and kindness.

A few of my favorite things...

2010-12-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

I did one of those Facebook surveys, so here are my answers...

Favorite sights:
1. Sean walking in the door after work.
2. The view of Pittsburgh when you come out of the Fort Pitt Tunnel (day OR night)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TA7yvlUIRy8&feature=related
3. Sunshine through the windows of my bedroom.

Favorite sounds:
1. Laughter
2. Music (it soothes my soul)
3. Bacon frying

Favorite tastes:
1. The first bite of my favorite foods (the first bite is always the best)
2. Coffee with flavored creamer (peppermint mocha or pumpkin spice)
3. Chocolate (all of it...except the really dark stuff)

Favorite touches:
1. My camera in my hand
2. The sun on my face while I'm on one of my long, fast walks.
3. A big hug from my man (he makes me feel little...that's hard to do)

Favorite smells:
1. Banana muffins baking
2. A new magazine full of perfume sample ads
3. My kids, freshly showered

Grateful - 11/28/10 (Hallelujah Chorus)

2010-11-28T17:13:00.000-08:00

To me, there's something so moving about the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah. Lately there's been an outbreak on YouTube of flash mobs singing the piece in various public places...department stores, mall food courts, etc. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it, though, I get chills and I'm all choked up. I think I feel that way because the wonder and mystery and majesty of my Jesus seems to be encapsulated in the feeling of that song. It is a piece of music that at least attempts to give Jesus the credit that is due him, whether the people singing it even believe what they're singing or not.

My emotions have been tied to my faith since I was a child, and music has always been a part of that for me. That's probably why old hymns hit me at my core. It's why pieces of music like the Hallelujah Chorus make me want to turn my face to heaven and smile and say, "Thank you."

So I will continue to watch every single Hallelujah Chorus flash mob video that pops up on the Internet. It makes me feel less important in my own eyes, and it makes my problems seem a lot smaller. It doesn't matter to me where or how it's sung...it's the truth to me and it's majesty in music, and it will never get old.

Here are two versions:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXh7JR9oKVE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp_RHnQ-jgU

Today, I'm grateful for...

A new baby. There's beauty in the beginning of a new life. It's solemn and joyous and new and scary and crazy and emotional and tiring, but it's beautiful. Knowing that that little baby boy will be a man someday, with his own purpose and calling, is a heavy thing to think about. But it will be fun to watch him grow. He has two great parents who love the Lord, so that's the best start any child could ask for.

Christmas lights. This weekend, it seems that everyone now has their Christmas lights put up. It's the beginning of a season that I love. As much as I love Thanksgiving, I also love the Christmas season--funny, though, that the actual day I could take or leave. I love the feelings of Christmas. I love the setting. I love the idea of celebrating Jesus' birth and what it meant for him to come as a baby. All of it. It's like Thanksgiving on speed. People go nuts over presents and purchasing goodies, but I could honestly care less about that. I just want Jesus and I'm so glad to celebrate him, whether it's Christmas or not.

A fun weekend. It was seriously great. It was Thanksgiving. My brother and his family came in town. I got to go to a Penguins hockey game. My friend had her baby on Thanksgiving. I also got to see a group of people with whom I went to high school, some of whom I hadn't seen in 18 years. I got to spend family and friends time, fun time and food time all in the span of one weekend. Really, you can't beat that.

Reminders. Sometimes we need an occasional reminder of God's faithfulness. As he has promised, he will never leave us nor forsake us, and he will provide for all of our needs. And he continues to do so for me in so many ways.

Laughter. I have people in my life who make me laugh. Laughter truly is the best medicine, whether you're sick in body or sick at heart. God created it in us because he DOES it. I think funny people have a gift that they don't even realize is truly a gift.

Our new TV. Sounds like a shallow gratitude, I know, but Sean waited all night on Black Friday to get this TV and it's one sweet TV. :) It's not gigantic or anything, but it's flat and it's mounted on the wall. Pretty.

I hope you take the time to laugh today. I hope you remember that joy is at the center of this season when we celebrate Jesus giving up everything to be one of us. I hope you keep reminding yourself that it's the little things that matter, and that you can learn from anyone. God is faithful all the time.

Grateful - 11/21/10 (A shift.)

2010-11-21T07:05:00.000-08:00

Today I'm grateful for...

Sunday mornings. I like do-nothing mornings. Sundays, for us, are family time, usually spent in our pajamas. It's even better that it's sunny and frosty. Everything is sparkly outside.

Waking with a song in my heart. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkwJ-g0iJ6w ) Every so often, I wake up singing and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's to signify that my spirit knows that a hard time has passed. I don't know. I had a bit of a rough week, but I woke up this morning acutely aware of God's presence and his faithfulness. It was a welcome change. :)

God-directed "random" acts of kindness. When God tells you to do something for someone, do it. This week, I felt really strongly to do something for a specific stranger, and when I did it, it really made the person's day and made them feel like someone cared. I encourage you to do that this week, too. Listen for God's voice when you pass by a stranger and follow what he says. Don't preach at them. Don't shove the Bible down their throats. Just be you and love them. You are God's hand extended.

The smell of cinnamon rolls and coffee. Ain't nuffin' better.

A shift. This week, I experienced what could be the death of a dream...or at least MY version of the dream. I allowed myself my "wallowing time" and then I decided to let go. Maybe God has something else. I already know that "good" is the enemy of "best", so maybe my version wasn't the best version. While I know nothing is impossible with God, I'm making myself ready to let God be the one to put focus to my blurry vision. He knows what's going to happen. Nothing comes as a surprise to him, and I know he's got plans to prosper me and protect my heart. While I still find myself a little sad when I think of what could be, I know that I am in good hands.

A new opportunity. I'll tell you about it if you send me a message (some of you already know), but I'm going to wait on talking about it here on the blog. I feel like it's a "God thing," though, because it's a job that kind of fell in my lap only a few days after I told God that I'd take whatever opportunities he brought across my path. Amazing and it feels so random...although I know that God is anything but random. :)

Ugg boots. It's that time of year again. I hate cold weather, but I love my cozy boots.

The layoff. While the summer layoff was a really great time, this time around it's taken me longer to remember how awesome it can be. I'm grateful that Sean can collect unemployment while he's waiting to hear about another job. We've lived well on a lot less, so I know that there's no problem with money. I don't worry about money. I guess, though, that it's taken me longer this time because I feel like I'm getting closer to whatever change God has been preparing me for. Change is good, but it's also stressful. Adding MORE change (like a layoff) into the mix makes me uneasy if I focus on myself, but keeping my eyes on God lifts me above present circumstances.

I hope you know that things will get better. I hope you know that if you open yourself to whatever God has to give you, you are opening yourself to GOOD things. While it's easy to see our dreams as "the best" that could happen to us, God is the one who knows what "best" really is. He's got more extravagant plans than we do and he can orchestrate them down to the minute. There are no coincidences. There are no chance meetings. There are only opportunities to see God in every situation. That's what gratitude is--seeing God in every situation and thanking him for being there.

Grateful - 11/15/10 (Five Qualities of Grateful People)

2010-11-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

http://realzest.com/2010/11/five-qualities-of-grateful-people/

I had another opportunity come up to write a piece for RealZest.com. Here's the article. Let me know what you think!
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Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It sounds cliche, but a holiday where gratitude is the main focus is my kind of celebration. I’ve been on a journey of gratitude for the last two years and it has changed my life completely. I have tried hard to stop putting my attention and energy into the things that don’t matter, or into drama and the people who cause it.

Since I decided to make gratitude one of the central focuses of my life, the thing I’ve found the most difficult is finding things to be thankful for when things aren’t going my way. I think that’s the most life-changing part about gratitude, though. When you begin to find within yourself the ability to be thankful in ALL circumstances and you choose to focus on the good things, you find that complaining and pessimism tend to leave a bad taste in your mouth, even when you see it in other people.

There are amazing qualities present in people who are grateful all the time. I sometimes find I’m just a tiny bit envious of those people because I’m still on my journey. But I know everyone is on a journey. I know I’ll likely never get there…wherever “there” is…but the more I focus on the good, the closer I will get to the heart of gratitude that God has for me. So in honor of my favorite time of year, here are the top five qualities that I notice in grateful people–qualities that I want to see in myself as I keep walking this road.

1. Truly grateful people are humble.
Humility isn’t something you can do. Perhaps this comes from my many years as a pastor’s kid, but I can pick out of a crowd the people who are trying to appear humble. Humility is a gift. It’s a flower that sprouts out of what looks like rocky, barren ground. It often takes root when a person goes through trials or personal downfalls. It’s the beauty that comes from knowing who you are and knowing you are loved, despite the fact that you’re flawed and imperfect and undeserving.

If someone you know claims to be humble…well, first of all, that’s a red flag right there…they’re not. They’re ESPECIALLY not humble if they spend all of their time complaining or whining or dramatically languishing whenever trouble comes. Humble people are happy givers who are fully aware and in awe of the grace bestowed on them. They know that God is faithful and they live their lives in that knowing. They aren’t self-seeking or self-absorbed. They have the ability to love, even when it’s not reasonable to do so. I want that gift. I’m not there yet…I likely will never be, but God is working on me.

2. Truly grateful people are content.
While I’ve been noticing this in myself occasionally as time goes on and I am choosing to focus on the good, but I am aware that I’m still a work in progress. I’m learning that contentment doesn’t equal complacency. Complacency is focusing on self. The dictionary definition is “uninformed self-satisfaction”. It’s about allowing myself to stay in one place because it’s easier. Focusing on gratitude takes our eyes off of ourselves and puts them on God’s blessings and the positive sides to our circumstances.

Daily counting your blessings and all the good things present in your life makes you content. You realize you need nothing more than those few important things. You become less focused on fruitless ambitions and material things. You become more present in your life because you finally realize that life isn’t about what you get or about who you know. It’s about the blessings you already have and the people who love you.

3. Truly grateful people aren’t judgmental.
This is another place where the humility comes in. Grateful people are humble, thus they are less likely to judge other people. They already know what they have been given. Judgmental people are insecure, and they try to find fault with others because they are afraid of or blind to their own faults. When you’re deeply grateful, your focus is on the good. You even begin to focus on the good in other people. You’re not naive, but you allow love to overrule your fears and judgments.

4. Truly grateful people don’t gossip.
Gossip is intended to tear other people down. When you’re grateful and humble and content with your own life, you are less likely to speak badly of others, especially behind their backs. Something present in gossip are the issues of comparison and jealousy. We usually gossip about people to make ourselves look better…we’re not secure in our own significance.

Sadly, it’s human nature to compare ourselves to other people, in good ways and bad ways. Gratitude helps us go against the grain and make the choice to love ourselves enough to NOT compare. Choosing not to gossip is difficult at times. When you’re in a group and everyone is talking about one person, it’s hard not to enter into the conversation. It takes practice and it takes will.

5. On the flip side of that, truly grateful people are encouraging.
They are a pleasure to be around because you leave their presence feeling like everything is going to be okay. I know people like this–almost all of us do. They exude peace because they are the type of person to put a hand on your shoulder and lift your spirits with a kind word. We gravitate toward people who are encouraging. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want encouragement in your life, encourage!

So these are some of the qualities that I want in my life. Maybe you do, too. You don’t have to do what I do and blog about it or even write it down every day, but in the next month, try to focus on the good. Instead of putting your energy into negativity, try listing the positive things about your life. If there’s someone you want to stop gossiping about, try listing the good things about them and think about ways you can encourage them.

As I’ve said before, gratitude is a discipline. Just like any other discipline, it takes practice and hard work, but the end result is so worth the time. If you practice enough, I promise you’ll see little changes that will become big changes that will become LIFE changes as you keep going.

You have to read this...

2010-11-14T06:54:00.000-08:00

It's not gratitude-related, but it made me laugh. I used to write update e-mails during my first pregnancy. I'd send them to all of my family and friends, so reading this really took me back and made me smile. Enjoy.
--------------------------------

Hey, there!

Well, folks, once again it is time for the monthly e-mail regarding the amazing and wonderful Colligan baby! Please keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times...The roller coaster is about to leave the station. I know you have all been waiting on the edge of your computer desk chairs, clamboring for more information regarding uteruses, placentas and such. Yes, it has been a month since the last e-mail. I can't believe it.

Anyway, as is usually the case when I write one of these e-mails, I have just returned from the doctor. This time, as is also the norm, I went bearing two questions, one of which I forgot. So, I asked her the burning question every pregnant woman wants to know...namely, "How long do you let people go overdue nowadays?" Her answer wasn't too inspiring. She said, "Only 10 days, so you should actually think of that as your due date." Okay...ummmm...HUH?! What is THAT about? But, she calmed my fears by saying, "Hey, you never know, he could come early..." to which she added a little evil chuckle. All I have to say about that is HA HA...very funny, lady.

So, they weighed me...another UGH! See, my stupid scale at home told me I have only gained about 4-5 pounds since my last doctor visit. However, I didn't realize that, since the scale came from IKEA, it likely came with a little Swedish instruction manual, which, as usual, I didn't read, that held the formula for figuring out my ACTUAL weight. The formula is basically this: WHAT THE SCALE SAYS + 10 BILLION POUNDS= MY ACTUAL WEIGHT. Yes, folks, the water weight gain is catching up to me.

We listened to the baby's heartbeat, as we normally do. OR I should say that we ATTEMPTED to listen to the baby's heartbeat as we normally do. However, since this is MY child, he doesn't like to sit still. So, every time the doctor would put the monitor to my belly, the baby would punch it and then quickly move out of the way. Smart kid! Already trying to get out of going to the doctor's office. So, we heard snatches of his heartbeat mixed with loud punching noises. The doctor exclaimed, "Wow! He's very responsive, isn't he? A very active child!" Ha Ha...I'd like her to be there at three in the morning saying that when the baby decides to have his wild house parties and play BABY TWISTER!

Also, we found out that the baby is now in a "head-down" position. So, in the last month, he moved from being lengthwise across my abdomen to now having his head pointed downward. Also, since this is Sean's baby, as well, this means that his legs are as long as sequoia trees. So, whenever the baby decides to stretch his legs, that usually means he is stretching into my stomach, my diaphragm or outward from under my ribs. When he does this, you can see these big bumps poking out of the top of my belly and moving around. It's pretty cool...even at 3 in the morning. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

So, on Monday morning around 1am, Canadian Thanksgiving Day, the first of my pregnant friends actually went through with it! She gave birth to an ACTUAL, REAL baby! OMIGOSH! Let me just say that this makes things much more real. From the sound of things, she was originally wanting to go "natural," but one of the first things her husband said to me when I saw him was, "GET THE DRUGS!" Seems like her labour was so long that she was ready for narcotics when they finally admitted her to the hospital. What have I been telling you, folks? IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DRUGS! So, anyway, congratulations Bebbie and Sasha on the birth of Lily. I can't wait to see her.

We finished our Prenatal class. I'd have to say that one of the most memorable classes, aside from Fernando (the guy who is embarrassed about uteruses and cervixes and grossed out by any mention of body fluids) watching the graphic birthing video, was the one where we watched Nuno give a demonstration of how to bathe a newborn. If you don't know Nuno Marques, you may not think it's too funny, but let me just say that Sean and I and Nuno's wife, Amanda, were in tears (no, not from fear, necessarily, but from laughter).

First of all, the teacher hands Nuno a Cabbage Patch doll, complete with bright yellow yarn hair. Then she says, "Okay, Nuno what do you do next?" Okay, there was no actual water in the little bathtub, but if there had been, what Nuno did with the baby would have caused a huge splash. So, SPLASH!!!!, the baby goes gently into the water, making sure that she gradually gets used to the temperature...So, then, the teacher says to Nuno, "Uh-oh, Nuno, the phone is ringing. What do you do?" The next thing we know, the Cabbage Patch doll is planted safely face-down in the bathtub and Nuno runs for the phone. You should have seen the look on the teacher's face. Then, it came time to dry the baby. The teacher said to Nuno, "Now we need to take the baby out of the bathtub and dry her off." So, Nuno takes her by the legs and THWACK!!! the baby is gently placed, plastic head first, on the table as Nuno gently begins to dry her. Nuno was great! I have to say that he's going to be a great father.

The other great part of the class was the breastfeeding demonstration. The teacher threw a pile of baby dolls and stuffed animals into the middle of the floor and it was a free-for-all as everyone, including the men, ran to pick a baby to breastfeed. Sean picked two little stuffed gingerbread people, so he could try the twin baby thing. So, the teacher asks us to hold the babies a certain way and then proceeds to show us, using herself as the example, how to make what is very technically known as "A Breast Sandwich." Hmmmm...Well, at that, Sean and Nuno start doing that little-boy-in-health-class chuckle that you know is only going to end in disaster. I won't go on from there, but you have to assume that seeing Sean and Nuno making the aforementioned "Breast Sandwich," giggling all the way, was truly a moment to remember. I wish I had had a camera for that one.

Anyway, from here on out, I will be going to the doctor every two weeks until the last couple of weeks where I will go every week. It's getting closer, folks. Less than two months. I'm excited, I'm nervous and I'm happy. Sean talks to my belly every day and he always tells the baby how much he loves him. It's really cute. I know that Sean's going to be a great father. Also, the dog has a little thing where I tell her to kiss the baby and she nuzzles my belly with her nose. It's cute.

Whoo!....just had a big knee bulge!...everyone say hi to the baby!

Well, that's it for now. I'll fill you in, once again, on all the lovely details of pregnancy in another couple of weeks. I hope you have enjoyed your adventure in Baby Land on the Pregnancy Roller Coaster. I'm glad you didn't throw up in the loops...those G-forces can do a number on your stomach.

Book Review - "Pagan Christianity"

2010-11-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

Review: http://www.amazon.com/review/R4TEJ2WHGH5M/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm

Buy the book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/141431485X/ref=cm_rdp_product

I recently reviewed "Pagan Christianity" by Frank Viola and George Barna on Amazon.com.
It really made me think, but it also gave me insight into why I feel the way I do about institutional church. It put into words feelings I've had for a long time that I couldn't find a way to verbalize. Check out my review (below) and buy the book (link above) if you're so inclined. The book is a very interesting read.

_________________________________________

"Validation"

As a pastor's kid, a student in denominational Christian schools, and then as a member of a large pastoral staff, I never could put my finger on why certain teachings rubbed me the wrong way. I never could articulate why I didn't fit into the mega-church/church growth mentality. I had no way to express the unrest in my spirit when I heard people say that dressing up showed respect for God. This book did it for me.

"Pagan Christianity" presents the factual history on the origins of certain church traditions. This book was written to be paired with Frank Viola's other book "Reimagining Church", so "PC" deconstructs and "RC" constructs a vision for getting back to the concept of church at its most basic, without all the well-intentioned (but misguided) man-made frou-frou.

In the past, I didn't know how to handle my questions, though, or how to put them in the context of pastoring when the traditional setting was part of my job. I think that's why I always felt unsatisfied or like something was wrong and also why I probably put people off with my lack of "umph" when it came to DOING church and following a particular format.

Many people never even question WHY and they take the word of man and think that we should just do church a certain way because that's the way it's always been done. I think Frank Viola and George Barna would agree that the point of "Pagan Christianity" isn't to make people drop everything and change, but it's to at least make us question WHY we do what we do and to see what actually lines up with what God originally intended for his church. Also, it's about looking at the Scriptures in context and examining where our ideas of church actually come from.

People are afraid of change, especially within the confines (often an appropriate word) of institutional church walls. They're afraid of not having a middle man between them and God, much like Israel's desire for a king. I've done the traditional pastor thing, and I've also participated in things being done a new way. I can honestly say that when GOD is the one leading things in a new direction, it's a smoother transition than if we were to just try to change things ourselves. It's hard for pastors, though, when they rely on the church for their income. It's scary.

Many people deceive themselves into thinking that questioning why we do certain things in church is heresy. Especially in traditional denominations it seems, people have been taught to do certain things in the name of godliness or holiness when, really, Jesus' blood is the only thing that can make someone holy. It becomes all about appearances and impressing man.

I think it's easy to look at where Jesus says, "No one comes to the Father but by me" and know that it's true in your heart. However, when your church leadership is telling you that you should dress a certain way or act a certain way or participate in a certain way, they are presenting people with the idea that they come to God through Jesus, but in the manner that the particular church thinks it should happen. Church tradition for tradition's sake can be just as much a form of bondage as habitual sin. It's easy to believe that God sets me free from sin, but it's hard to believe that God needs to set me free from doing unnecessary and unbiblical acts "in His name".

I highly recommend "Pagan Christianity" for anyone who is ready to think through and to confront their preconceptions and traditions, when it comes to institutional church and how "church" should be done. I felt like it was a well-written, fact-filled feast for my spirit, and it wasn't written in an angry or in-your-face manner. You can tell that the authors are passionate about the information they are presenting. I am actually considering reading it again, even though I finished it only two days ago.

Grateful - 11/12/10

2010-11-12T08:18:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm grateful for...

Being shiny. Today, Mr. Mastroianni, my 88 year old walking buddy, told me that every time he sees me, it's like everything about me is shiny. I took that as a huge compliment and it was uplifting to me. :)

Getting over it. I'm finally starting to get over the hacking cough. TMI, but stuff is coming out and I'm happy about that. The sooner I can get to where I don't sound like I have tuberculosis or whooping cough, the better.

Open windows in November. The fact that it's warm enough to open my windows to the blue sky and breeze is fabulous. Thank you, God, for pick-me-up weather. I can only handle so much of the gray and cold. That's probably why gratitude is the hardest for me in the Winter...lol.

Knowing everything is going to be okay. God lifts me up in so many ways. FB chats with friends, Scriptures that pop into my head, comments from my kids, the still, small voice in my heart--I don't have to listen too hard to hear God's voice. I'm grateful for that.

Babies on the way...for other people. I'm so glad that some of my friends and relatives are having babies. There's nothing sweeter than a newborn. The tiny cry, the little feet and hands, the fuzzy head, the wrinkly skin...so cute. I can't wait until Slavina's baby, Gabriel, is born and until my new niece will be here next year. Babies are a gift. Maybe that's why I've considered gestational surrogacy. I love the idea of giving Christian couples the joy of adding to their family, but I can't imagine doing it all again myself. I guess you never know, but I plan to get my fix with these new little ones. So exciting!

Encouragement. God knows how to encourage me. I'm odd. I'm grateful that God knows my heart and he knows my quirks and he loves me anyway. He's good that way.

Change. Sometimes, when I feel a change coming, it's easy to get uptight and worried. But God is good about giving me peace if I ask for it. He brings change because he wants it. I am learning to go with His flow and embrace things as they come. He is faithful to not give me more than I can handle, even though I question that at times. :)

My hope is that you learn to wait for God. It's so easy to want to push ahead with whatever we're doing, especially if it feels like God is taking too long. Sometimes, though, he calls us to wait. He's not dragging his feet, but he's teaching us patience. Psalm 27:14 says, "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Often, the strength comes in the waiting. I hope you learn that waiting isn't a bad thing. There are so many foundational truths to be learned when you're in a holding pattern. God is faithful to us, even when it feels like nothing is happening.

Grateful - 11/5/10

2010-11-05T20:15:00.001-07:00

Today, I'm under the weather. I know it will pass, but I feel awful. So to add some brightness to my day, I'm choosing to be thankful when I feel like crap. That's the best time, I guess, right?

I'm thankful for...

Sparkly people. There are people who just sparkle. They have a presence about them that makes them glisten. :) They are the people who make you laugh when you're down. They are the people who call you when you're going through a hard time. I'm grateful that I have a few sparkly people in my life, and I know that God put them there.

His rod and His staff...they comfort me.

Friday movie night. It's a tradition I hope to continue with my kids as they get older. Tonight, we snuggled under blankets in the family room and watched a movie, Toy Story 3. When it got to the part where Andy's mom gets upset as he's leaving for college, Liam turned to me and said, "Do I get to choose when I go to college?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Then I'm never going." He got choked up at that part. So cute.

"Pagan Christianity" by Frank Viola and George Barna. You know how I feel about Brennan Manning's books, right? Well, this book was on that level for me. It was a "right time" book. There are some books you read and you feel like it's not the right time for you to receive whatever message the authors are putting across, but this was the right time for me to read this one. I felt validated and I felt a lot of questions were answered for me. I never knew why I felt I didn't fit in in certain religious settings, or why certain things about institutional church made cringe. This book was a vaildation of all the things I couldn't put into words in the past.

Making new friends. Sometimes God brings new people into your life at just the right time.

Road trips. We had a great time hanging out with old friends in Ontario this week, and we had a fun time together as a family, as well.

Tylenol PM...'nuff said. It helped me sleep last night.

Jesus. He's the reason for everything.

I hope something amazing and timely happens for you this week. I hope you remember when it happens that God is behind every blessing.

Grateful - 10/27/10

2010-10-28T04:04:00.000-07:00

Amid the craziness of life and the multitude of things that pop up in a day, sometimes it's necessary to stop and rethink things. Whether it's a discussion, a thought-provoking book or an impression you have from God that sparks it, it's always good to take stock of what you have going on in your life.

You all know that I'm honest (sometimes brutally so) about when I'm feeling down-in-the-dumps or when I feel like something just isn't right, but that's not the case this time, thankfully. I guess what it is can be explained by saying that I sometimes get a sense from God about when something is about to change, and that occasional sense is often the catalyst for me to stop and really think about what I have, what I want and what I've learned in recent days. Taking opportunities like this, helps me keep my feet on the ground because I can reflect on God's faithfulness, despite my failings.

So to continue my track record of honesty, here are just a few of the things I've been learning and pondering.

--I have the tendency to make God too small.

--I am not an "institutional church" person...some of you are saying, "Well, DUH!" You who know this about me can attest to it, but I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that I've been questioning the whole idea of "institutionalization" in every way for longer than I've actually been conscious of it (church, education, society, religion, etc.).

--God is more than capable of getting me to step outside of my comfort zone, despite the fact that I often dig in my heels and make him drag me. However, once I've taken the first step, I usually know why God wanted to stretch me in the first place. He's smart that way.

--I am learning about who I really am. It seems like God takes me through seasons where I get to know myself more. I am learning to love myself. I am learning to accept my faults, and even embrace them. I am learning to be comfortable with aging (yes, I'm only 35, but it's hard for me sometimes...shut up.) They say the best way to get to know someone is to watch them as they go through different seasons in life. I think the same can go for yourself. Watch yourself and take note of the things that set you off or the things that bring out the best or worst in you. You can learn a lot about who you are just by stepping outside of yourself for a little perspective.

--I like crappy TV shows. I mean, I have some good ones I like, but honestly I like crappy ones A LOT! Mindless vegetating is the key to making my mushy brain even MORE mushy at the end of a long day. Don't roll your eyes!

--Humility HAS to be God-given. Perhaps this comes from my many years as a pastor's kid, but I can pick out of a crowd the people who are trying to appear humble. Humility isn't something you can do. It's a gift. It's a flower that sprouts out of what looks like rocky, barren ground. It often takes root when a person goes through trials or personal downfalls. It's the beauty that comes from knowing that you're loved despite the fact that you're flawed and imperfect. Humility is also coupled with joy and gratitude. If someone you know claims to be humble...well, first of all, that's a red flag right there...they're not. They're ESPECIALLY not humble if they spend all of their time complaining or whining or dramatically languishing whenever trouble comes. Humble people are happy servants who are fully aware and in awe of the grace bestowed on them. They know that God is faithful and they live their lives in that knowing. They aren't judgmental. They aren't self-seeking or self-absorbed. They have the ability to love, even when it's not reasonable to do so. I want that gift. I'm not there yet...I likely will never be, but God is working on me.

--Jesus is the reason. He is God's love letter to us.

--I'm content. Yeah, seriously. I know! I'm not complacent. I'm content. I like this. It took years for me to get here.

--I'm insanely grateful, but I have also been working on how to put it into practice more often. Lately, I have tried to make it a point in every so often during the day to stop and close my eyes and sincerely whisper, "Thank you." God likes to hear it just as much as we do. He doesn't need it (and neither do we, really), but I think it makes him smile.

With that said, I'm grateful for...

80 degree weather in October. Honestly, I needed it. I wasn't ready to dive right into Fall.

Perspective.

Making friends. For a long time, I kind of shied away from putting myself out there with new people. Maybe it's because there was a time in my life when I often felt misunderstood and pre-judged, or maybe it's because I got lazy...maybe a little of both. But I'm thankful that God is pushing me into more situations where I am meeting new people and realizing I'm not as bad at it as I thought I was. Yeah, I probably put my foot in my mouth a lot, but my filter has gotten better over the years. Thank you, Lord. Hahaha...

A good discussion. I love the open hashing out of ideas and thoughts with trustworthy people. It's the best. I love a good debate, too, but good, honest discussions are like gold.

Seeing Nicole again! I miss my friend, but I love when I get to see her. Thank you, Coley, for coming to see me. I loved hanging out with you. ((hug))

My messy house. When I get busy, it gets messy. That's just the way it is. But it's MY mess...I'm grateful for my home because it is truly a HOME.

My hope is that you keep your chin up. Re-focus yourself on what is really important. Everything is going to work out in the end, so don't sweat the small stuff. No, I have not been reading a self-help book...thank you very much. I do, however, think it's important to give yourself a pep-talk now and then. It's so easy to be negative, but talking yourself up and keeping yourself focused on the positive is HARD. Do it anyway. You'll be glad you did.

Grateful - 10/20/10 (Wonder)

2010-10-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm grateful for...

Music. There's a song for every situation. As I occasionally do, I am in a music mood tonight. I feel like there's something about the "right" song at the "right" time that, in a way, fills up the soul. God created music, and I think every artist has something to say...I like when what they say meets what's in my heart. I'm grateful for music. I'm grateful that I sing. I'm grateful that music is something that ministers to me and connects my heart to memories or hopes and dreams. Music is a gift. Let God sing over you tonight and see what kind of music you hear in your spirit. It doesn't have to mention Jesus to be a message from God. One of my fondest God/Music memories is of a song that has nothing to do with Jesus, but I knew God was wanting me to hear it at a specific time. It still warms my heart when I hear it because I remember very clearly feeling His arms around me and feeling complete peace when the song began. He knows what touches you...

Nature. Everything in nature was created to point toward the Father. I think nature is God's love letter to us. Outside of reading the Bible, I consider the best way to be able to hear his voice is to be walking in the woods, looking closely at the intricacies of flowers, or sitting and watching the ocean tides. There's an object lesson in EVERY part of nature. There's always something to learn about God if we stop long enough to notice. God gave it all to us and there's something of him in every creation...including YOU!

Time. Even though it's not promised to us and we don't know when our last breath will be, I am grateful that I am learning to take advantage of the NOW. I could be always future-focused or always living in the past, if I wanted to. But God has turned my focus to what's happening now. My children will not be 7 and 4 much longer. There will come a day when I will look in the mirror and see a 90-year-old woman looking back at me, and it will probably happen more quickly than I can imagine. I am learning to cherish the NOW. I am learning that nothing is more important than being content and being grateful. I can truly say that I am content. I'm not complacent, by any means, but I am content. I'm deeply grateful for that.

Dates. Brendan is now at the age where he WANTS to go out with me more often, so this week I let him choose where we went for lunch and where we went after lunch. He chose Wendy's and The Science Center. We had a great time together. He's becoming such a little man. I love his thought processes. I love that he continuously said, "WOW!" during the whole planetarium presentation about the Hubble telescope, even though everyone else in the theater was silent. I love that he's in awe of the world. I love that he has a sense of wonder and that everything is a new experience. That's the one thing I've asked God for during this, my 36th year. I guess the best way to learn a sense of wonder is to be around someone who truly understands it. Brendan is one of those people. I pray every day that he never loses that.

My life. The other day, Sean asked me if I love my life. I actually thought about it for a while, and, even though I have my moments of insanity, I can say that I truly, honestly, deeply love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I love God. I love that He has taught me to remove drama from my life. I love my flaws. I love that I am forgiven. I love that God has completely revolutionized my life through my making one choice--the choice to be grateful for everything. I've said it before but I will say it again. I want to be able to take my last breath saying, "Thank you, God, for everything. It was beautiful." I intend to live in such a way that I can say that at the end.

So my hope for you tonight is that you learn to love your life, no matter what circumstances you face. I pray that gratitude becomes your first choice, instead of complaining. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for in any situation--call it "the silver lining", or call it whatever you want. My hope is that you know it's going to be okay. I hope you know that you are loved passionately by the Father, so you had better learn to love yourself (*shakes finger at you*). There is beauty and greatness in you, so make sure to remember that, even on the days when the first thing you see in the mirror in the morning is messy hair and pillow face. You're beautiful and God loves you just as you are.

Grateful - 10/10/10 (Unity)

2010-10-10T06:35:00.000-07:00

This week turned out better than I thought it would. God is good that way. To say it's been rough for me with everything going on, and with Sean's overnight job, is an understatement. God knows, though. He's been holding me up.

Last night during church, we were all sitting around and discussing "The Unity of the Spirit"--how a group of people can come together because of God and there's a unity and a love there for each other. My parents were talking about how, in all the years they've been traveling and speaking at different churches, they haven't always seen that unity in the churches they've visited. I can say the same thing. I've been to churches, large and small, and haven't always seen the unity that comes with a love (and a LIKE) for each other. In fact, it's a rare find.

Part of that unity comes from knowing you can just be yourself and you'll be loved. Another part comes from knowing that it's okay not to agree about every doctrine...nobody knows everything about God and you can only go on the bit that he shows you, as an individual. I think it's also that unity comes from knowing that God loves you as you are, so you are free to be transparent with the people around you, including those in whatever body of believers you belong to.

I cherish that about our church. It's not typical. It's the kind of place where we sit around and discuss a topic, rather than just hear it from the pulpit and then walk out the door. It's the kind of place where you can wear whatever you want to and you won't be out of place. It's the kind of place where there's NO pressure to perform or to say the right thing. It's the kind of place where you know that when you walk in the door, at LEAST one person will genuinely encourage you, whether it's through something they say to you directly or something they say in the discussion. These people are a huge blessing in my life and I don't take that for granted. I've been in other church situations where I've felt completely alone in a crowd of people...I have never felt that way here. I'm grateful for that.

The unity of the spirit is not something you can fake. It's not something you can duplicate. It just is or it isn't. I will always be grateful for this little church and I feel like God has us in this body for the long haul. It's not about growing in numbers; it's about the individual people growing in their lives and in their love for God.

___________________

Today, I'm grateful for...

Sunshine and warm temperatures. Need I say more?

Dates with Liam. We went to the Natural History museum and the Art Museum on Friday, and we had a great time exploring together. I think spending one-on-one time with my kids is really important and I am grateful to have the ability to do that.

Having more than enough. No matter what our financial situation has been over the years we've been married, we have ALWAYS had enough. Even when we had $.05 in the bank (that really happened), we have never wanted for anything. We have lived on one income the whole time because we felt like God wanted us to do that, and he has been faithful the whole time. Any money I've made has gone toward extras. It's been great to have the ability to do that. This week, our credit card debts will be paid off. We never really use our credit cards anyway, so there's not much on there, but it will be a really nice feeling to have it out of the way. We will be able to start saving to fix up our kitchen and to do other things we need to do. God is faithful if you give your finances to him and be smart about what you spend.

Letting go. God has been teaching me about holding the things he gives me in an open hand--not grasping everything tightly and being unable to let go. Sometimes God calls us to let go of things (memories, fears, money, friends, dreams, etc.) because they are doing us no good. If we hold everything and everyone with an open hand, we are free because we know our significance and our identity are not affected by losing something that wasn't good for us anyway. Even when we lose something or someone who WAS good for us, we can trust that God will bring something good out of it all. Everything turns out okay if you give it time and if you trust that God has your best interests at heart.

Getting there. I know that I will never be a "finished" project and I'm okay with that. I am constantly learning new things on this journey with God and it's cool to occasionally feel like I've reached the small plateau before the next big climb. While we're in the middle of a lesson, it can seem like we're tip-toeing on a steep ledge where we're just barely hanging on, but when we reach each little summit, we gain more confidence in ourselves and in him. We learn to trust him more. We learn that we're stronger than we thought we were...all because of his grace.

My hope is that you know that everything will be okay. Don't worry. Even if you feel like you're coming to the end of what you can handle, God will always provide you a way of escape, or he'll provide the means to step up your courage and hold on to your faith. When we worry, we take control away from God and take it upon ourselves, as though our worrying somehow makes us the ones in charge. Worrying helps no one and causes nothing but anguish. There will always be times to be smart and to be alert and to be present in the moment, but there is never a time to worry. My hope is that you are able to let go of whatever is in your hands and put it all in God's. He's MUCH stronger. He's far more capable. He is faithful to take whatever you commit to him and to make something beautiful out of it. His grace is always sufficient.

Grateful - October 2, 2010

2010-10-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the fact that our relationship with God is pretty much the only area of our lives where we are NOT judged based on our performance. We all have (or have had) jobs where we have to measure up to a certain standard, and we've all been involved in projects or undertakings where we feel we will be judged based on what we do, what we say or how we look. I'm so grateful that God doesn't look at us that way. He only looks at our hearts and values us for our REAL selves. His love and acceptance and approval aren't based on our performance. They are based only on the fact that HE first loved US...meaning, he already loved us even though he knew we would continually screw up, and even though he knew we'd never be able to deserve it. That's some good news, people.

I love that I can be real and honest and transparent with him. He already knows my heart. He knows my motives.You can't be fake with someone who truly knows you, and who loves you passionately in spite of yourself. When I really "got" that I am deeply loved and accepted by God and that the only opinion about me that truly matters is His, I gained a level of freedom in my life that I had never had in all my years of life. But I didn't really get it until a couple of years ago.

For so long, I tried to fit into whatever mould people wanted to try to shove me into. I tried to be all things to all people, so as not to rock the boat or cause conflict by standing up for myself. I tried to be a good pastor's kid. I tried to be a good teenager. I tried to be a good friend. I tried to be likeable. I tried to be a good pastor's wife and fit into the "pastor's wife" mould. It didn't work. In fact, I was a failure at trying to be all of these things. I have to say that doing everything to gain the approval of others is exhausting and so not worth the anguish. Even though I knew in my head that God loved me for who I was, I still projected on to him the fact that I felt all of these ridiculous expectations coming from other people.

Daily counting my blessings made me realize that the gifts in my life are not based on what I do. They are based on the fact that God somehow sees fit to pour out love on a sinner--a pathetic, undeserving, imperfect, but completely loved loser like me. I still don't understand it sometimes because I know myself and how dark my heart can be, but I accept it and I receive it.

I think this is why I've come to such a place of rest in my walk with God. Knowing that he holds no judgments against me and that he loves me fully is freeing. It allows me to learn to be free in other areas of my life. I've become more honest, more transparent, more loving, more patient and more positive because I have known true love. I can look back to the woman I was 10 years ago and I barely recognize her. I see a sad, misunderstood, fearful, approval-seeking shell of a person who knew very little about myself or (to be honest) about God. I thought I did, but I didn't.

I'm grateful to be living in a place of rest. I'm grateful that God won't stop loving me when I screw up. He won't turn away from me, but he chooses instead to dump buckets of new mercies on me every day and lavish me with countless gifts. I just have to notice them and receive them. I don't have to perform. I don't have to DO anything, as a matter of fact.

If anyone tells you that God is angry with you or that you have to do this or that to earn his love, you know that that person really doesn't know God. Run away from people like that! They may profess to love God, but their actions speak volumes about what is truly in their hearts. Their condemnation is toxic and many people have fallen prey to the enemy under the guise of "Christian love." The Scriptures say that you know the followers of God by their love and by the spiritual fruit in their lives. Are they humble? Are they transparent? Are they kind? Are they generous? Are they encouraging? Do they run from gossipers? Do they reach out to help those in need? The only standard is love. If we live our lives and do what we do just because we love God, we can't go wrong. People will see the fruit in us if the only standard we keep ourselves to is love. No other standard really matters.
________________________________________

I'm grateful for...

My church family. Tonight, since my parents were away and my husband was working, I was in charge of facilitating the service. It was worship night, so it was mainly music, but I shared a little bit about being thankful, but also about letting worship be a two-way thing. It was a good time. :) I'm so grateful for my church family. We are an awesome little group of people who know each other like family--so much so that we CHOOSE to spend our recreational time together, as well. I'm blessed to have them all in my life.

Perspective. I'm learning so much as a parent. I'm learning to get a little perspective before I fly off the handle about things that won't matter in the end. I'm learning to be a listener. I'm learning to know my kids as individual little people. I'm learning that they love me, even when I'm behaving like an absolute freak. I'm learning that loving them and accepting them for who they are is one of my biggest callings in life because it's teaching me more about God's love.

A chill day. Today I spent most of the day in my pajamas. Yes, I'm sick with the cold/cough thing, but I really needed the chance to just sit and do nothing. Sean understood that and let me languish all over the house, and he encouraged me to lie down and relax. So I did. I needed that.

My dog. Seriously, she's the sweetest thing. She follows me everywhere. If I stand still in one place for any length of time, she comes and sits in front of me (usually ON my feet) and leans her head on my leg. She gets happy when she sees my feet hit the floor in the morning. When I come home, she jumps around like a little puppy, even though she's getting old. I love her. She's the epitome of unconditional love, and (despite the fact that I am constantly complaining about the fact that she somehow sheds on every surface in our house) I wouldn't trade her for anything. Right now, she's curled up next to me on the couch and dreaming about running in a field somewhere.

I hope that you know that you can just be yourself. I hope you know that you're loved. I hope you know that if you're being fake or pretending to be something you're not, you're selling yourself short. Be transparent. Be who you are. Be humble, but realize that you are awesome. Seriously, go to the mirror right now. Look yourself in the eyes and say, "I'm loved. I'm accepted. I'm awesome. I'm wonderfully made. God knew what he was doing when he made me." I bet the more you learn to be yourself and to love yourself and to be grateful for everything, the more you'll find that people are drawn to you because you'll be like a candle in the darkness. You'll glow.

Grateful - September 27, 2010

2010-09-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

My friend, Beth, asked me to guest write/ghost write a couple of times on her blog while she was away. She has the goal of writing 365 gratitude blogs in a year, and she didn't want to give up on that goal just because she was away for the week. So she asked me and a couple of other people to write for her. And we did!

I was honored to do it and I hope I did her proud.

http://meagain-alifeofgratitude.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-267-being-beths-ghost.html
http://meagain-alifeofgratitude.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-270-slowing-down.html

Grateful - September 21, 2010

2010-09-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

One of the many things I've been thinking about recently is how my perception of "nominal Christians" (or Christians in name only) has drastically changed over time. I used to think of them only as people who didn't go to church. You know how when you were a little kid in Sunday school and you'd hear the adults talking in hushed tones about so-and-so who didn't make it to church except on sacred holidays...THAT'S what I always thought of as a "nominal Christian". Turns out, though, that I'm starting to notice that there can be a lot more nominal Christians IN church than there may be outside of it.

It's pretty easy to hide in church. It's easy to go to the Sunday service, hear some cool music, listen to the message from the minister and then head home for lunch. Nothing is really required of us except attendance and the appearance of interest. However, I have seen people with some of the deepest relationships with God and some of the most truthful and honest, faith-filled lives living OUTSIDE of church. Many of those people have either been disillusioned by the idea of "church" as we have known it in the past, or they have realized that, even though church can be awesome, it isn't a requirement for a heart-to-heart relationship with the Creator...which is true.

Yes, I firmly believe in the idea of "the fellowship of the believers" and the fact that hanging out with other people who love God and want to know him more can build you up as a person and can strengthen you in your Christian walk. I just don't think that it HAS to look like what we've made church out to be. It doesn't have to look like THIS ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys4Nx0rNlAM )! Yeah, it's meant to be funny, but it really caused me to think long and hard about the sadness I felt when I watched it. Many of us can recognize our churches somewhere in that video. The truth is, church as we know it can be the one thing that turns people away...sad, but true. I think that in our struggle to make church relevant to our 21st century society, we have made it irrelevant to the kingdom of God.

Thus, I am trying to be as loving and as non-judgmental as I can be as I try to figure out why God has been speaking to me about these things. They aren't concepts that would have come to my mind on my own, so they are coming to me for a reason. I think God is really trying to get me to rethink what I want out of this Christian life and what I want from the relationships with the people who are my church. If church doesn't have real, honest relationships that are fruitful and go deeper than the surface, it's not what God intended. I feel like there's a HUGE shaking coming and I want to have my heart ready for the changes that God is going to bring about. In 100 years, I don't think church is going to look ANYTHING like it does now...and I TRULY hope it doesn't. Food for thought.
_______________________________________________________

Today, I'm grateful for...

Norrain. She's encouraging and she's the one who reminds me when I've gotten behind on my gratitudes. Truthfully, I think about how grateful I am every day, but somehow writing about it makes it more real. I'm grateful for Norrain who thinks that reading my gratitude list is like having a morning coffee and a chat with me, despite the fact that we're an ocean apart.

Sunshine. The past few days have been beautiful. The sky has been a clear, bright blue. Seeing the tops of the colorful trees up against the sky is something that makes me happy inside. Even though the changing colors of the leaves means that Summer is truly coming to an end, I love the colors of Fall and I'm going to make it a point to enjoy it. Sunshine always helps.

Daily walks. Yes, I'm still doing them when I can. I have been trying to keep it to 5 days a week, if not more. I feel better when I walk and I feel like I have more energy to get through the rest of the day. God speaks to me without fail and I have the opportunity to mull over the things he's been speaking.

Craziness. Seriously, the past 2 weeks have been non-stop insanity. My brain has not been at rest once. For someone who values peace, it's a hard time. But just waking up every morning and having the ability to jump into the craziness with both feet is a blessing. Every breath, every hour of constant movement, every new morning--all of it is a blessing. I am making the daily choice to see this period of crazy activity and busy-ness as a gift from God. I'm alive, right? :) Just because I'm busy doesn't mean I can't have peace.

Living drama-free. I know that there are people who don't get why I have made the choice to cut drama, and those who create it, out of my life. But I have to say that God has been behind it from the get-go. I prayed for a long time about wanting God to help me with my negative attitude. He answered. First, he inspired me to start acknowledging my gratitude and to really grasp what it means to be truly thankful. You can't be grateful and negative at the same time. Second, he brought it to my attention that, as a Responder, I get easily sucked into other people's negativity and gossip...I hate that. It's toxic. So he spoke to me about cutting all of that out of my life. Yeah, there are times when I need to vent and let out my emotions and other people need to do that, too, but I have asked God to show me who I can trust and who I can't. He's been very specific about who I shouldn't trust. Thus, the pruning has been gradually taking place. When God shows me that I can't trust someone, I listen. It would be much easier to just maintain the status quo and leave things as they are, but I feel like God is moving me into a new stage of life and he has a plan to get me there. This is the beginning, and letting go of the things that hold me back is a part of moving forward. Living drama-free can be lonely sometimes, but because I know that God is in it, I know he'll bring the right people to me.

Grateful - September 11, 2010

2010-09-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

I already know that so many things I feel every year on this day have already been said a million times over by other people. Whenever I watch video of that day nine years ago and the events that occurred, it is just as fresh and raw to me as it was then. I was profoundly and deeply affected by the deaths of people I didn't know, just because they were my fellow countrymen and women. At the time, I was living in Canada for what I knew to be an indefinite period of time, and while I lived only a little over an hour away from the Canada/US border, it could have been a million miles in my heart. I felt sad, angry, homesick, anxious, worried, hopeful, fearful and I was glued to the American news networks because I wanted to feel the comraderie of the American spirit, even though that spirit had been attacked.

Because of 9-11, I was brought into a time of re-examining my life, and every year on this day I still take the time to think about life and how much I have to be grateful for.

Today, I am grateful for...

Remembrance. You have to remember life-changing moments, whether they are good or bad. I feel that reminding ourselves of the worst events can make us more focused on the good.

Breathing. Though none of us knows when our last breath will take place, I am grateful that I have breath in my lungs and I am alive.

Tears. I relive the events of 9-11 more often than once a year, but especially today, I cry for the lives lost and the millions of lives affected by those losses. I cry for the heroes and the victims. I cry for the loss of my illusions of peace and love in the world. God changed me for the better through 9-11 and in the years since, but I will always remember this day with tears. Always. I hope I never forget.

My country. No matter how bad it feels like it's getting here sometimes, I will always, always, always be grateful for my country and I will always be proud to be an American.

My children. They are one of my daily reminders that life goes on and that there is hope.

Sunshine.

Health. It's a basic thing, but it's not something everyone has.

God. I can't even tell you how grateful I am that God has me in his hands. I would have lost myself and lost my mind if I didn't have Him. Some people who don't believe in Him say that God is a "crutch" for those who do believe. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We're all wounded in some way or another and having God as the thing that stabilizes us when we're wounded is a simple, yet profound visual. I don't have to prove that I'm strong because I already know that without him, I'm nothing.

Friends...one in particular. Nine years ago today, I was online and I happened into a Yahoo chat room. Everyone was talking about what had happened, where they were and what their thoughts were. There was fear, there was anger and there was deep sadness. In the middle of the chaos, I met a guy named Chris. I didn't know him, obviously, but in the middle of all the noise that was going on in my head, he was the voice of reason. He spoke comforting words and he spoke hope. I have no doubt that God orchestrated the chance meeting. We have kept in touch over the last nine years, sending the occasional e-mail to say Hello and give updates on our families and the happenings in our lives. It may not seem like a big deal to some people, but God brought a calming influence into my life when I was alone and anxious about what each new day after 9-11 would bring. I will always be grateful for Chris. Even though he didn't know it, he was a vessel that God used and I am thankful for him.

My hope is that you know that there IS hope. There is a promise of peace in the storm. God never promised that we would be successful or rich, or that everything in our lives would go well all the time. He DID, however, promise that he would be with us and that he would never leave us. He promised us peace in the struggle, hope in the hopeless times and comfort in the chaos.

(The above photo is not mine. I found it online and I thought it was incredibly profound...never forget.)

Grateful - September 9, 2010

2010-09-09T17:42:00.000-07:00

I am getting used to the "You're a crazed maniac" look people give me when I tell them that my favorite times in life recently have been the times when Sean has been laid off from work. Someone asked me (with that look in their eye), "What about money? Don't you worry that you won't have enough?" No, I don't worry! We've never gone hungry. We've never been without our basic needs. In fact, we ended up with the same amount of money in the bank during this last couple of months as we had during the last few weeks when he was working. That's probably because we're pretty good at tightening our belts during the slow times, but it's also because God brings in opportunities for us to make money EVERY SINGLE TIME. God is beyond faithful to us...always.

So Sean just got called up for a 6-week job working on the plumbing at a power plant. While I know that it will give him decent money and will help us build up our account in preparation for the next layoff, I was (admittedly) bummed. Honestly, I almost cried. I have SO enjoyed the time we've had together as a family. I've loved having all my fellas together and I've loved the feeling that all is right with the world. Sean has enjoyed being home with us, too, and he's been able to get work done on the other house. I know that wishing for more time probably seems selfish to other people, but that's okay.

I can say, though, that I think the main thing I've learned during this time is not to wait for layoffs to try to make memories as a family. I've always had the struggle of learning to enjoy the "in-between" times just as much as I enjoy the opportunities God brings for us to do fun things and to have real, quality time together as a family. Life is short. I am learning to make the most of every chance we get to spend good time together. I hope to hold that thought. God has been more than faithful to us. We have a great family--immediate AND extended. We have wonderful kids. We have many multiple small blessings that God piles on us every day. We are wealthy where it counts.

All that to say that I am going to try to be just as grateful for this job opportunity as I have been for the quality time we've been able to spend together as a family. And while I look forward to the next layoff, I am going to make it a point to find the silver lining in every situation.

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Today, I'm grateful for...

A happy preschooler. Brendan had a wonderful time during his first day in preschool. He is looking forward to tomorrow. That makes me happy. While I knew that he would like school, it warmed my heart when I walked into the classroom and he yelled, "MAMA!" and ran to me. Even though he's turning into a big boy, I hope it's a long time before he starts to think that loving his mommy isn't "cool".

A great first week of 2nd grade. Liam and I have had a great time during this first week. It's been mainly review and the introduction of a few new concepts, so it's been pretty easy. I've been trying to develop more of a cheerful, "teachery" attitude about it and I've noticed a difference in my level of patience. I am going to try to make it a point to pray together before we start each day. God is faithful if we let him into our little mundane lives. (Liam also got promoted to the next

A lunch date with my husband. I'm grateful that we are good friends, as well as all the other perks that come with marriage. Today, we went for Indian and just sat and talked. It was fun and I loved having some quality time.

My parents. I'm incredibly grateful for my parents, who are always so helpful with our kids when Sean and I need to go places together, or when we just need an extra person to ferry the kids to different places. They're also fun people to talk to...I think everyone should want to hang out with my parents! :)

The beginning of football season. I bet it probably sounds dumb to you, but I love football. It makes me happy. If you're not a football fan, move to Pittsburgh and I guarantee that you will be a convert. There are NO fans like Pittsburgh fans. GO, STEELERS!

The opportunity to shoot a beautiful wedding. I got to be one of the two photographers at Ashlee and Dan Pelczar's wedding. What a fun group of people! I know I have said it already, but the people at their reception had a handle on what a joyous occasion a wedding is supposed to be. I laughed aloud MANY times and I got teary-eyed along with them during the emotional moments. It was lovely and it was another reminder of how amazing it is when two people meet and come together in love for the rest of their lives. Love is a gift.

My hope is that you realize that it's no good for you just to exist between the great times. Living every moment means choosing to be grateful, even during the times when you wonder why life seems so screwed up. The moment you fall asleep tonight is the last you will see of this day...it's never going to come around again, so it is your choice what you do with it. So my challenge for you is to make the best of as many moments as you can. God is faithful to do what he promised, so even when it looks like he has no idea what he's doing, be grateful anyway. Things will get better.

Grateful - September 3, 2010

2010-09-03T02:54:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking...don't act surprised. I can see why Solomon asked God for wisdom instead of riches or any of the other things he COULD have asked for. Sometimes I feel that wisdom is the one thing I'd ask for if I had to pick something. I think it is the key to all the other things you can dream of. If God gives us wisdom, along with that comes discernment, gratitude and good judgment. In the Bible (Proverbs 1:7), it says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." In this case, the word "fear" doesn't mean being afraid, it means being in awe and reverence--it is realizing who is responsible for all of creation, and realizing who it is that can tame your inner beast if you allow Him.

I don't know much, but I do know that gratitude has unlocked a lot of spiritual doors in my life. I've felt so thankful for everything that there have been many moments when I didn't care what God did, as long as it made me more like Him. I have felt convicted. I have felt sad about the way I've thought or acted. I've had God tell me to shut my mouth. However, in his infinite mercy, He has lifted my head over and over again, and allowed me to look at the love in His eyes. Do I still do and say crappy things now and again? Yes, I do. But God teaches me something from every mistake I make. Learning from your mistakes with God's help is how you get wisdom. The fool is the one who keeps doing the same dumb things over and over again and never learns a thing from it...that's how dysfunctional patterns develop. I am asking God to get rid of my foolishness and give me wisdom. If that means learning from my many mistakes and accepting them, that's okay with me.

Today, I'm grateful for...

Summer. I refuse to give up on Summer, even though we're back in school. It's always a time of joy for me and it's my "happy thought" during the Winter season.

Friends. Whether it's making new ones or keeping up with old ones, I am so grateful for the people in my life whom I can trust. Real, true "bosom friends" (thank you, Anne Shirley) are a gift from God. They are the type of people with whom you can pick up where you leave off. If you have those types of people in your life, cherish them.

A happy husband. He has been looking forward to his portage trip for the last year. Seeing him giddy and excited about venturing back into nature makes me happy.

Reflection. Sometimes, watching my kids go through things and come to certain realizations in their own little lives gives me pause to reflect. Liam passed his karate belt promotion test today, but he came out of the testing upset that he didn't do everything perfectly. I told him that I was insanely proud of him, whether he got the next belt or not. I wish he wasn't so hard on himself, but now that I have had time to think about it, I can see myself in him. I don't want to do something unless I already know I can do it well. I am incredibly hard on myself when I fail. I'm harder on myself than I am on anyone else...sigh. God loves me anyway and He's insanely proud of me, whether I succeed at something or whether I fail. God teaches us deep things through our children.

Cool nights. What I love about September is that the days are hot, but the nights are cool. For those of us without air conditioning, this is a wonderful time. :)

Bible lessons. I think one of the main reasons there are so many books in the Bible about specific people is so that we can learn that everyone has successes and failures in their lives and they are still considered God's beloved. Those people we see as the "Fathers of the Faith" made some really dumb moves in their time. All of those stories, though, are tied up with the ribbon of God's grace. God had grace for them and he has the same grace for us.

My hope is that you learn from my shortcomings and cut yourself a little slack. I'm trying to learn to do it, too. You don't have to be perfect. You are loved as you are, but God has promised to make you a better version of yourself if you let Him. Perfection isn't required and, really, the more you strive for it, the more it evades your grasp. Just be who you are. God knows you. He loves you. He won't leave you if you make a mistake. He is slow to anger and rich in love.

The Hatching of a Heart - Rich Mullins

2010-08-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

"The Hatching of a Heart" - Rich Mullins

Well the night was cold and my heart was
Hidden very safely in a shell
But I knew somehow I'd have to run that risk
Have to open up myself
Look at the stars on the face of the sky
They're the same ones Abraham saw
Come under my wings I will make you shine
Give you strength enough to love

Oh now I'm getting strong enough
You helped me chip my way out and open myself up
And for the snow that comes with winter
For the growth that comes from pain
For the joke I can't remember
Although the laughter long remains
For the faith that brought to finish
All I doubted at the start
Lord I give you praise for all that makes
For the hatching of a heart

Well my face was smooth and featureless
Just like an egg
And if I was moved you would never guess it
By the look upon my face
But You said man looks without but I look within
I can see the love you hide
It's a matter of doubt it's a symptom of sin
It's a problem of too much pride

And I now I'm opening up wide
Wet feathers pulled out from beneath me
And You're teaching me to fly
For the strength that comes with friendship
For the warmth that comes with hope
And for the love time can't diminish
And for the time love takes to grow
And for the moonlight on the water
And for the bright and morning star
Lord I give you praise for all that makes
For the hatching of a heart

And for the moonlight on the water
And for the bright and morning star
Lord I give you praise for all that makes
For the hatching of a heart

Grateful - August 24, 2010

2010-08-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

As He often does, God has been speaking to me through a natural object lesson. In this case, it's the art of creating a bonsai tree. I know your mind probably springs immediately to Mr. Miyagi and the Karate Kid movies, but creating a bonsai is a work that a gardener does over a long period of time. Sometimes, the bonsai outlasts the gardener.

While we were in NC this past weekend, we took a little tour of the NC Arboretum (ie. GIGANTIC garden) in Asheville. As we were walking, we came to the bonsai exhibition and there were placards and photos posted on the walls detailing the process of creating a bonsai tree. These are the ones that stood out to me.

--Pruning is an essential ingredient in creating a bonsai. The gardener chooses which parts to remove or to leave, based on the mental image of the best shape possible for the subject plant.

--Repositioning various parts of the plant is often necessary to achieve the desired result.

--Root pruning allows the plant to grow indefinitely in a container without becoming pot-bound. Great care must be taken to do this work at the correct point in the growth cycle and to avoid aggressive pruning.

--While the initial work of the bonsai is now complete, it will never be considered "finished" as long as the plant is alive. The gardener will continue to maintain and develop the desired shape of the bonsai as it grows, always striving to refine the design while promoting excellent health in the living plant.

If you know me, you know I love a good object lesson. God likes to speak to me through things I can see and touch. In this case he hit me between the eyes, and he spoke to me about the truth of being patient and waiting for him to do the work. He has a picture in mind of what he wants my life to look like. He knows what's best. He knows what to keep and what to remove. He knows how to reshape me.

The key for me is to learn to have the patience to wait for him to work. As long as I'm alive, my journey will never be complete. God does big things in me, but he continues to maintain my growth in small ways. He is constantly refining me because he wants me to be as healthy as I can be.

You can't hurry a bonsai tree. It takes a lot of waiting and pruning and training to get a bonsai tree to go the way you want it to go. God is constantly at work in our lives, molding and shaping us and pruning from our lives the things that would take away from the full beauty that is the picture of what we CAN be. Trusting him and surrendering to the waiting is the hardest part.

If we were to surrender every area of our lives to "The Gardener", who knows what we could become? Try it. I'm going to try it myself. I am ready to quit my complaining and dragging my heels, and I am ready to begin to let him work and "make all things beautiful in his time."

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Today, I'm grateful for...

Trying. Sometimes, to get things to be better we have to do our part. We often blame God for the outcomes of our OWN life choices, or we blame other people. There are other times when we don't see that we are the common denominator in all of our failed relationships. God promises to do his part, and what he wants for us is for us to be present in our lives and grateful for every moment. There are moments in life that are good, but that can be GREAT if we decide to try and to make better choices with God's guidance.

Peace. Despite life's circumstances, I have been having a peaceful, easy feeling...insert Eagles song here.

Object lessons. 'Nuff said.

Fresh basil. It's a summer thing. Put together with some fresh, garden tomatoes, some slices of fresh mozzarella, a sprinkle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar and a pinch of sea salt, it's LOVELY.

Learning not to care. I am learning to care less and less about what other people think. Occasionally, I'll get hit with an insecurity that pops up in my heart or a fear of losing someone's approval. But God has been making me more and more secure in his love, to the point where I'm beginning to care less about what others think and to care more about the truths I feel God wants to speak into the lies I'm believing at a given moment. God is faithful to speak the truth if we listen.

Saving money. When we were getting married and going through pre-marital counseling, we felt like God wanted us to plan our lives living off of one income (Meaning, paying all of our bills, mortgage, car payments, etc. using one income, and whatever else came in would be used to pay for extras and fun things). It is an easy thing to do if you're willing to make a few sacrifices early on and to live within your means. We learned early on to be thrifty, but also to realize that money isn't everything and sometimes the occasional splurge is healthy if it doesn't break the bank. Life is too short to focus on what you do or do not have, so I am so grateful (though it can be annoying at times) that God directed us in that way at the beginning. Because of His direction, times like these where Sean is laid off and the income isn't as high as it could be, are easier to handle because we have experienced what it's like to tighten our financial belts.

God's faithfulness. I can look back and see the miracles he's made in my life and I'm so incredibly grateful to be able to experience his love and his faithfulness toward me. No matter how I've turned my back on him or rejected the love he's tried to give, he has continued to be faithful. When God makes a promise, he keeps it.

Grateful - August 19, 2010

2010-08-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

I have never been more grateful for "dire" circumstances...actually, our circumstances are by no means TRULY dire, but you know what I mean. The job situation that surrounds our family right now is no different than the situations of many other families in our country. Layoffs are becoming an everyday thing, sadly. But in the middle of it all, I'm finding a deeper reservoir of hope than I've ever seen in myself. I know it comes from God. I feel happier now than I did when things were (on the outside) appearing to be "good". Things still ARE good.

My friend, Mike Asquino, who has Multiple Sclerosis, said that he is grateful for the valley he's in because it's brought him closer to God. He has lost a lot of things and people in his life due to his disease, but he has maintained an upbeat attitude, a sense of humor and his faith in God. I have no excuse. He's become stronger in his faith and he has adapted to the position in which he finds himself. He has hope in God.

If we learn nothing else from the down turns in life, we MUST learn that most often the down turns pass. Sometimes they DON'T pass, but we have the choice to be changed for the better or for the worse, no matter where we find ourselves. Things will change. Life goes on and it's too short to spend focused on the smaller picture. In the grand scheme of life, the bad circumstances we endure will be what my mom calls (insert Southern accent), "just a blip on the screen". If we allow God to change US and do his work in us, it almost doesn't matter what happens on the periphery because we have surrendered to the current of his will.
__________________

I'm grateful for...

Beth. She is the one who inspired me to begin expressing my gratitude. I have watched her grow in her journey of gratitude and her growth has inspired me. She does a list every day. It's amazing to read her daily descriptions of the weaknesses in her life, but seeing the incredible strength she has found through thankfulness has been such a catalyst in my own life change.

The blessing of transparency. One thing I've begun learning over the past year and a half of finding my gratitude has been the ability to be transparent. I'm not "there" totally yet, but I'm FAR more open than I ever was prior to the beginnings of this journey. Gratitude has forced me to be open about my weaknesses because I've been so overwhelmed with the realization of the grace God has extended to me. If you focus on the good things around you, you can't help but be touched with the knowledge that you are so incredibly undeserving and yet loved wholly and completely. The ability to be transparent is a blessing. It means you can just be yourself. It means you can be free. It means that you can say what is in your heart. It means you don't have to be ashamed or embarassed because you are who you are by the grace of God. It also means that you give others the permission to not be ashamed. That is the true gift of transparency. It's passed on. It's inspiring to other people.

Cutting back. We've been thinking of ways to "tighten our belts" in order to accomodate our change in circumstances and it's actually been a good thing. It's fun to try to see who can think of the best ways to save or who can think of the cheapest family date. I think it's all in perspective.

Family time. I look forward to layoffs for that very reason. We have spent a lot more quality time together as a family because we have been given this opportunity.

Steelers training camp. It may seem like no big deal to someone else, but you know how much I love my Steelers. It was awesome. I am TOTALLY going again next year. :)

Sean. Today, (without me asking for his help) he not only cleaned the whole 2nd floor of the house, including the kids' play/school room, our bedroom, the bathroom and the kids' bedroom, but he also took the time to sit down and write a little poem for me which he posted on his FB page for me to find. I posted it earlier, but I'll put it here. He got very emotional while writing it...it made me feel loved. :)

"You"

If I could fall into your arms

And dream a dream that would never end

I would be invincible

Untouched from all that breaks and bends

If I could stare into your eyes

Till all that hurts just melts away

All I know would fill with light

This night would birth a brand new day

I'll watch you dance and sing tonight

I'll let you take my breath away

I'll see what's true, pure and right

You are all I want to know

You are all I want to know

If all the world would turn away

And everything I know to fade

The only life that I would need

Is your hand inside of mine

I'll tell the world to take its time

Mine is set and yours to spend

For all the love we make is right

Perfection never has an end

_________________________________

My hope is that you realize that the down turns in your life can truly change you for the better. The change involved is a choice, though. It's far easier to allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity. If I experience a rough patch, I do give myself a time frame for wallowing. Once the time period is up, though, I pick myself up, and I make the choice to move on. I have found that the more I've stuck to the time frame idea, the less I've needed the wallowing time. Most recently, I gave myself three days and I only ended up taking one. I got sick of myself after that day. Ha! If you're going through a hard time, give yourself a time frame to feel what you feel and then once it's up, move on. Grief and self-pity are a part of life, but we can't let our lives get stuck in the muck of sadness. We were meant to live full lives. Self-pity is the enemy of a full life.
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Grateful - August 9, 2010

2010-08-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

I just watched this video of military members coming home to their families...a very happy, hopeful, tearful piece of something that happens every day. But there's nothing "every day" about the military and the things they endure. So I just want to say that I'm thankful for our military. They're a brave bunch of citizens who take their duty seriously. If you get a moment today, say a prayer for them and their safety.

Just so you know, if you watch this video of military homecomings, you WILL cry. Get a Kleenex ready. Link below:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/video/video.php?v=455621345922&ref=mf

Today, I'm grateful for...

Sunshine. It's been a cloudy couple of days, which I have definitely enjoyed, but it's so nice to see the sun and blue sky again.

An impromptu vacation. While the circumstances surrounding the impromptu vacation, a work layoff, may be less than favorable in some people's minds, I am so thankful that we are having this opportunity. A job opportunity will come available, but the chance for my husband to be in his home country and see his family, even if just for a couple of weeks, is worth it all.

Naps. Yesterday, I took a long nap. It messed up my sleep schedule last night, but it felt so good to wake up from it and not be groggy and tired. I don't often have the opportunity to take naps, so I welcomed it and let it happen. :)

Being somewhere else. Sometimes you have to leave home for a little while to appreciate it more when you come back. I miss my big, messy house, but I am so grateful for this time away.

My kids arguing with each other...yes, that's exactly what I said. While it bothers me to no end and annoys the heck out of me when they fight, I am so glad that I have them and that they have each other. Someday, I'll miss the sound of them yelling at each other, so I'm choosing to be grateful for it. Being grateful for the annoyances makes me more patient.

BBC World News. They show the world events that CNN shows as a little typed line across the bottom of the screen. Sometimes you can't get a grasp of the tragedies and disasters and the magnitude of what's happening to the rest of the world if you don't actually see it. While every news organization has its own spin, I am grateful to be able to actually see and appreciate the things that are happening around the world.

My hope is that you appreciate the things that you may not normally appreciate. Life is fleeting and taking EVERYTHING, every moment of life, as a blessing is sometimes a struggle, but it's a worthwhile struggle. If you can't connect with the less-than-desirable moments of life, you certainly won't be able to connect with the "mountain top" moments. I've read that a truly humble person considers every moment a gift, good or bad, so I hope that I'm learning.

Grateful - August 2, 2010

2010-08-02T05:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's August. It's been a beautiful summer, and even though I didn't enjoy all of it, I DID have a wake-up call and realized that I was disengaged from my own life. Some things changed, so it was good. It's not fun to realize you've wasted time, but it is what it is.

I have been learning to live simply. One of my favorite Scriptures (Micah 6:6-8) says that the only things God expects of me are to live justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God. I notice how often I over-complicate everything, including faith. Thankfully, though, one of the things I learned fairly early on is that striving is futile. God wants nothing from me but to love. Any way that I'd try to strive would make God love me no more than he already does.

My hope is that, if you are disengaged from life like I was, you get your very own wake-up call. It can come in many forms, though mine came through someone's very tragic death. Life is too short to waste it on unimportant things. Be present in your life. Living either in the past or in the future is worthless because the life you have RIGHT NOW is a gift.

___________________________________

I'm grateful for...

A layoff. My husband got laid off last week. Instead of being worried or frightened, I was excited. My husband was happy, too, and is thinking of it as paid vacation and a chance to travel. Perspective is a good thing. We could look at the economy, and at the fact that union plumbing jobs are in short supply in some areas, and we could choose to be worried. But I, personally, don't want to waste time on worry. We have everything we need. We have our children. We have our big, old house. We have our two cars - they're not new, but they are both paid for. Life is good, whether we're on unemployment pay or not. We are blessed. Wasting one day on worry is futile and takes away from the quality of life.

Sunshiny summer days. It's been incredibly hot, but I don't care. As long as it's not snowing, I'm happy. Even if it is snowing, I remind myself each day that we're one day closer to Summer. Silver linings either way, people.

Art. While I don't always see the artistic value in what some people call "art" (air quotes), I love the creative expression of the individual. People's perspectives are all so different. It makes me appreciate how different we all are and how we weren't meant to conform to one way of looking at the world. Whether it's a photo or a painting or a sculpture or a piece of music...whatever it is, it's unique and it's the expression of someone's heart.

Dropping sugar. I feel a lot better since I've started to drop sugar from my diet. I still include it occasionally. I'm trying not to be religious about it, but it's more of an experiment. I adore sugar, but I am realizing it's just not that great for me. (*whispers* I still love my milk chocolate, though.)

Happy kids. As I've said before, they argue all the time and they have a constant power struggle going on, but they truly LOVE each other. If someone were to mess with the one, the other would come to his rescue. They are happy, loving boys, despite the fighting. I often feel like an UNglorified referee, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Opportunities. Whether it's opportunities for unexpected fun, opportunities for me to express myself through my photos or opportunities to practice random acts of kindness, I am grateful for any opportunity.

Random acts of kindness. Whether they're committed by me or for me, they make the world a little bit better. You don't have to believe in a particular religion to appreciate the kindness of another person, especially when it's unexpected.

Grateful - July 28, 2010

2010-07-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my attitude and where I'm headed in life. Lately, I've really been trying to have a positive outlook. I've noticed that amazing things seem to happen when I'm choosing joy and when I'm open to what God puts in front of me.

I was reading Brennan Manning again on the plane trip home and I came to a section where he was writing about what he calls "The Second Call". He says that many people reach a point between the ages of 30 and 60 where they have a reawakening of their faith, but that many also experience a divine change in direction. The things that used to satisfy them spiritually and their youthful spiritual fervor have changed into a spiritual maturity and a peace they didn't have as younger Christians. Their spiritual interests often change. They become more open to truly KNOWING God rather than just learning about Him. When I read through this particular chapter, it really struck a chord with me.

You all probably know that I've been having a very interesting year and that God has been teaching me a lot through gratitude. I truly feel that I've begun to experience this "reawakening". There are times when I look back on how passionate I was about God in the past and how I longed to experience him more, but I've noticed a change in myself in the last year. I don't want to know him like I knew him before. I want more. I want depth. I want the wisdom and wonder than come with being his friend and seeing the world through his eyes.

I think about the days when I would dance in worship like a happy madwoman and intercede loudly from the depths of my spirit. There were times when I wished I could recapture the essence of the fervor I felt then, but I have begun to feel God speaking new things into my life. I am realizing that God doesn't want us to stay in the same place with him, but he wants us to grow and change and blossom.

So, as I said, the one thing I am asking from God for this year is wonder. I want to experience the true amazement of being loved by the divine Being. I want to see all the wildness in his heart and the unexplainable aspects of his personality. I've only seen a glimpse. I want more. I think that when we're truly in touch with Him, our hunger arises and we're left wanting more. We care less and less about what people think of us. I am not going to be down on myself in the moments down the road where I DON'T feel hungry for more because I'm going to choose to trust that he will give me what I seek. I don't think you can truly love someone unless you know them. I want to know him.

I'm grateful for...

Answered prayers. On the trip back from KC, I asked God that I would meet people on the plane whom I could talk to and learn about (because nobody usually talks to me on airplanes). On both legs of the trip home, my prayers were answered. During the first leg, I was sitting on a full plane with an empty seat next to me, so I actually felt a little sad. Then, from the back of the plane, came a woman who sat down beside me. As it turned out, the seat she was sitting in wouldn't recline, so she was assigned to move next to me. We had an interesting conversation about our families and about where she grew up, her children's lives and about the death of her husband. She is the type of person I could see myself being in another 30 years. On the second leg of the trip, I sat next to a really great guy (Sam Garloff) and we had a conversation about everything from music to careers to religion to the wonders that are Pittsburgh. He was a very uplifting person to talk to. God is good and I truly feel that meeting random people isn't really random. There are no coincidences.

The "surprise" party. While I was away, Sean planned a surprise party for me with all my church friends. Tonight was the party and, even though I actually knew about last night (shhh), it was so great to see my church family and hang out with them. I'm so blessed to be part of such a wonderful group of people. Each person wrote me a card or letter saying what they're thankful for about me...so sweet. I love things like that. Most of them mentioned my "gratitudes"...which was really cool, as well. I have prayed that my learning to be grateful would inspire other people, too.

Thinking about things. This whole gratitude journey has been leading me to begin really thinking about life and about what I want out of it. I believe that being more aware of your life and of your blessings can only be a good thing.

Realizing how crappy I am. Yes, I said crappy. Obviously, I know that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, etc., etc. But I think that getting a grasp of how "full of it" I truly am, but also knowing that God loves me anyway has been humbling. There's nothing more humbling than being lavished with love that you know you don't deserve.

My family. Sean is a good man and my kids are going to be good men like him someday. They're already wonderful boys and I couldn't ask for more than what I already have.

My hope today is that you realize what a blessing you can be to those around you - not in a cocky way, obviously, but in a way that leaves you with the knowledge that without Him, you are nothing. From what you've said, many of you feel the way I do - I just want my life to be encouraging to other people. I'm still learning, but if my being real and honest about the crap in my life (but also about the love I receive from God despite the crap) helps one person to know that God loves them, it will all be worthwhile for me.

To you, from God.

Grateful - July 24, 2010 (35th Birthday Edition)

2010-07-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

When I think about the huge blessings I've had, the miracles I've seen, the ways God has changed my life, the people with whom I've come in contact in my short 35 years - I am truly humbled. I am amazed at his grace in my life, and I know I am truly loved.

Yesterday, on the plane between Cleveland and KC, I was reading more of "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning (of course). The nearly two hour flight went so quickly because God was reminding me of his love for me. It was seriously like a sudden flood. It started out when I recalled the experience I had last year, almost to the day, on an airplane coming home from KC (Story here: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=128054755515). I was so overwhelmed that I had tears streaming down my cheeks, and I felt so affirmed and free. God showed me again that all I have to do is just "be". He loves me exactly the way I am and he meets me WHERE I am.

I don't have to jump through Christian hoops or pretend to be something I'm not just to please other people or Him. God despises the proud, the fakers, the haughty, and the people who look down their Christian noses at people who they consider to be on the "outside", but he gives grace to the humble. (God, help me to learn to be humble and to be your fragrance in the world.) I think that the smell of a judgmental Christian is the worst smell with which people can come in contact. I don't want to stink.

One of my MANY, MANY favorite sets of quotes in "The Ragamuffin Gospel" has to do with with how we lose sight of our awe and wonder and of the grace of God that is constantly flowing around us. (The quote skips around because the different parts I quote span a couple of pages.)

"By and large, our world has lost its sense of wonder. We have grown up. We no longer catch our breath at the sight of a rainbow or the scent of a rose, as we once did. We have grown bigger and everything else smaller, less impressive. We get blase' and worldly-wise and sophisticated. We no longer run our fingers through water, no longer shout at the stars or make faces at the moon. Water is H2O, the stars have been classified, and the moon is not made of green cheese...We miss the experience of awe, reverence and wonder...So often we religious people walk amid the beauty and bounty of nature and we talk nonstop. We miss the panorama of color and sound and smell. We might as well have remained indoors in our closed, artificially-lit living rooms. Nature's lessons are lost and the opportunity to be wrapped in silent wonder before the God of creation passes. We fail to be stretched by the magnificence of the world saturated with grace...We must rediscover the gospel of grace and the world of grace."

God help us. God help ME. Do you ever feel like you look at your life and it feels like it's just flying by and you're missing it? Do you often think to yourself that you've wasted time on the unimportant? That's what I'm reflecting on today. I am not being down on myself, but I am asking God for one thing this coming year of my life. I want wonder. I want to be in awe of him and his creation again. I want to look at a person walking down the street and remember that there is so much more to them than what I see. I want to see the beauty in every face and in the world around me. It's not all about me...I feel like it's so easy for us to get focused on the inner turmoils of our lives or the day-to-day workings of our little worlds that we lose the whole purpose for which we were created.

We were created to love. To me, love means that I consider the time I spend with people I care for, or the daily walks I take, or the next breath I inhale to be a gift - an act of grace from my creator. If you're not feeling that love, you have to learn to be grateful. Since I started being grateful for everything, even the mundane, I have realized the bounty of grace and love and joy in my life. The times I have stopped being grateful, and instead have chosen to focus on myself or on things I'm unhappy about have been the lowest times in my life.

I have so many gifts in my life - the people, the memories, the places I've been. I have asked God for wonder. It's all I want from him this year. I want to cherish my life in the years to come and I want to be able to say someday, as I'm taking my last breath, "Thank you, God, for everything."

Grateful - July 18, 2010

2010-07-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm grateful for...

Losing track of time. Have you ever had one of those summer days where the day lazed on and you didn't really know (or care) what time it was? Today was one of those days. Today was a long, pleasant, happy family day.

Hot and sunny. It's not Winter!

Long, sweaty walks. I had my usual hour and a half walk this morning, but it was a little later than I normally go...so it was HOT! But I was happy to be out in the fresh air, walking, listening to music and feeling the sun on my shoulders. I'm blessed.

Now. I am often one who lives in the past or in the future, but I'm learning to embrace "now" and live more in the moment. I find the times when I'm the most down are the times when I'm living in the past. I'm learning, though. I think that gratitude is the key to living in the present.

Brendan's belly laugh. It makes me smile no matter how I'm feeling.

New chairs for the front porch. Sean took me to Home Depot this morning to look at new chairs and cushions. He likes it when we sit on the front porch together and chat or just watch the world go by, so he wanted me to be more comfortable sitting out there. He bought some great wrought iron chairs that rock and he bought me some cushions for them, as well. We sat out there tonight eating dessert with the kids and listening to them talk and laugh. I think I'm going to like my new chairs.

Everything. You know, I have so much more in my life than I'll ever deserve. I am so thankful for another day, for my kids, my husband and for the experience of being human. It sucks sometimes, I know, but life is a gift.

My hope is that you realize what a gift life is. No matter what struggles you may be going through, your life has been given to you. Do the most with it that you can. I have to remind myself once in a while to make the most of the gift of life and to really appreciate what it means to have the opportunity to take another breath, to see another sunset or to hear my children laughing together. Appreciate your life. I guarantee that if you focus yourself ONLY on being grateful, you will see all of your blessings plainly and be able to see the good in every situation.

Grateful - July 17, 2010

2010-07-17T18:59:00.001-07:00

Today, I'm grateful for...

Wonder Woman...okay, this was ACTUALLY from last night, but I felt compelled (by Alice mentioning it) to put it in my gratitudes. I love Wonder Woman. Who wouldn't like a curvy, raven-tressed girl fighting injustice, right? I love her. Anyway, last night after we got together at Panera for M2M time, a few of us went to Wal-Mart. As we were walking past the clothing section, I looked over at one of the racks and gasped loudly. There in front of me was a Wonder Woman t-shirt. I love all things WW, so I had to buy it. Sometimes God knows what you like. :)

A fun day with the kids. We had a whirlwind trip to Idlewild Park today for the Plumbers & Pipe Fitters picnic. It was a lot of fun and it was something we wouldn't normally do. I love spending time making my kids happy and doing things they like doing.

Work. I got a little job for this evening assisting Don at a family photo session. It was fun and I needed the money. Good timing!

Turning 35. It's exactly one week away and I am looking forward to it. I hope it's as life-changing as my 30th birthday was.

My birthday trip...the countdown begins. I leave on Friday! Yay for "Mama's Birthday Trip"...hooray!

Cold watermelon and blueberries. My favorite snack of the summer...mmmm. Fruit makes me happy. I wait all through the Fall, Winter and Spring for watermelon season. Plus, it's more a guilt-free midnight snack.

Knowing God LIKES me. He doesn't just love me. It's possible to love someone, but not "like" them. So I'm glad that God likes me. Brennan Manning says that tenderness is something you feel when you know that a person genuinely LIKES you. I think that's why I've always had a tender heart where God was concerned. Even as a child, I always knew that God liked me. I've never been one of those people who felt I had to strive to earn his love...He likes us!

So my hope is that you realize that God LIKES you. He thinks you're cute. He likes the way you laugh. He likes your voice. He likes hanging out with you, even if you don't know he's there. You're not just his beloved, you're his friend. Think about that...

Grateful - July 16, 2010

2010-07-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm grateful for...

Brennan Manning. One of my favorite authors, Christian or otherwise, of all time. I "get" him and I can totally relate to his writing. He has helped a lot of people realize how God feels about us and what we should feel about ourselves. Today, he reminded me that all that God requires of me is to do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God (Micah 6:8). It's just that simple, people.

Girl time. I had a fun and encouraging time with the M2M ladies tonight. We sat around and chatted at Panera...when Panera kicked us out, we went shopping at WalMart. I enjoy getting to know new people and these are some awesome ladies.

A turnaround. The sad events of this past week have left me profoundly affected, but they have brought about a positive turnaround in my life. My spirits are up again, and I'm back in touch with my gratitude. Life is too short not to savor every moment.

Hot, sticky, steamy Summer days. At least it's not snowing, right? I HATE humidity, but I am just grateful that it's not Winter.

The library. Yeah, it sounds lame, but I love that I can get books and movies for free. To an avid reader/movie-watcher (and cheapskate), the library is a wonderland. Don't roll your eyes...it's MY gratitude list, not yours. :P

Fitting into my old jeans. There's something encouraging about putting on the size you wore last year and having it fit with no sucking in of the belly and with no "muffin top". While I may not be getting much thinner, at least I'm maintaining. That's okay with me.

Myself. I go through times where there are things I'd really like to change about myself, usually the major character flaws that I see on a regular basis. But, at the end of the day, I am grateful that God made me who I am and that he's making me MORE myself every day. I want my "self" to look more and more like him as time goes on, and I'm grateful that he's always working in me.

My hope for you is that you love yourself. You are just as worthy of love and respect as anyone else. If you treat yourself that way, other people will treat you that way, too. God loves you, so be kind to yourself. It's not about what you DO for Him, it's about knowing that He loves you and that you're safe with him. It doesn't mean life will be perfect, but it does mean that you have a soft place to fall.God

Grateful - July 15, 2010

2010-07-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

I'm grateful for...

The scent of honeysuckle on a summer evening. I took my long walk this evening and as I got to a certain area along the way, I took a deep breath and smelled the sweet scent of honeysuckle and warm summer air. It was lovely...felt good to clear myself of all the crap I've been feeling this week.

A tall glass of ice water with two slices of lemon...it was incredibly refreshing and I guzzled it down.

Being able to live without air conditioning. It's been a hot summer so far, but I have been doing well without air conditioning. We don't even sleep with it. The only place in the house with A/C is the kids' bedroom. So far, all I've needed is a window fan at night and an industrial fan in the hallway during the day. A/C gives me headaches and then makes my body go all wacky, making me overheated when I'm outside...plus, we're probably saving some money on electricity.

"Massages" from my kids. This afternoon, the boys told me to lie face-down on the floor, so they could give me a massage. They proceeded to alternately beat on my back and then rub it so lightly I could barely feel it. They were trying to make me feel loved and appreciated, like I was in a spa...so cute. My kids are so sweet, unless they're not, but usually they are.

My car. I love it just as much as I did the day we bought it, and I'm so grateful that God blessed us with it. Every time I open the door and get in, I smile a little bit.

Glee. Even the reruns make me happy. :)

So You Think You Can Dance. Don't roll your eyes. As I always say, I like to see people, in this case younger people, getting to do what they love, especially when they work so hard at it. It is inspiring.

My hope for you today is that you know that you are cared for, that God is with you and that there is nothing to fear. Fear is learned. We're not born afraid. Psalm 118:6 says, "The Lord is for me; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

Grateful - July 14, 2010

2010-07-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

Perspective is a good thing. You can get it any number of ways, but today's change in perspective happened because of a death. A young, beautiful wife and mother to two little children passed away this weekend. She loved God, she had a life that many people would likely envy. I knew her in high school, and it's easy to see that a life lost in such a tragic way is an incredibly sad event for everyone whose lives she has touched. I think it snapped a lot of people into reality, though. While early death is a horrible thing, especially for those left behind, it provides us the opportunity to focus on what is truly important.

I've been wandering lately. I've been all over the place and my focus has been wavering. I haven't been paying attention to what is really, truly important - God, family, friends. Yes, I have been dabbling in all three, but I haven't been really living and grasping on to my blessings. I want to live again.

Last year, I had an eye-opening experience when I started writing a daily gratitude journal. I felt that I really began to live after I started to focus on the good, the positive and the true. Somewhere in the start of this year, I started to lose my determination to keep my gratitude alive. I don't want to lose that. I feel like gratitude has been the key that has unlocked my life and my faith to an even greater degree. Focusing on the bad things - anger, bitterness, apathy, sadness, resentment - brings me nothing but heartache, but I've been finding myself going in that direction.

Today, something snapped in me and I woke up. I can't live this way anymore. I've been fighting to stay afloat and the only difference between me now and me last year is my focus. So I'm choosing again to focus on the good, on the true.

I'm grateful for...

Tears. Every time I think of Megan, my eyes fill with tears and my heart is heavy. I think of her children. I think of her husband. I think of her mother, and all of her family and friends who loved her dearly. Tears wash us on the inside. Tears remind us that something was important. I wasn't her close friend, but the sadness I feel is very real. God gives us emotions because he has them, as well. We were created in his image.

Friends. My friend, Tammy, came along with me today to Megan's funeral. We shared in the sorrow of her family and friends, and we were able to talk about the feelings and thoughts that this whole event brought up in us. It's so important to have compassion and to truly care about other people. I'm grateful to have friends like Tammy with whom I can talk, and with whom I can share my feelings about the loss of someone I barely knew, but whose loss affected me so profoundly.

Lifelines. God gives them to us for a reason.

Rain. Without the rain, there would be no growth - an object lesson for every life.

A thoughtful husband. Tonight, he came home from his guys' night out with a gigantic piece of cheesecake for me. He knows I love cheesecake, and thought I'd like some after such a rough and emotional day. I did like it...a lot...but I liked even more the fact that he was thinking of me when I wasn't there.

Change. I hate it and I love it at the same time, but God is usually the one who brings the catalyst into my path that causes me to realize that he's calling me to a new thing.

Hymns. There are a few that I love because they articulate what's in my heart better than I ever could. Hymns have been part of every phase of my life and they mean a lot to me. I don't care if some people think they are old-fashioned. They were written by people who had deep relationships with God and profound revelations of his love. They have inspired me to keep going in times when I didn't want to and they have caused me to remember my first love (God) on many occasions.

My hope is that you embrace the learning experiences, no matter how tragic they may be. I hope you grab on to life and don't let go. Embrace it and get every little ounce of it that you can.

THE HATCHING OF A HEART

What makes a person "Pro-Life?"

Today's thoughts...

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Gratitude

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Getting Started

1) Keep a Daily Gratitude Journal

2) Use Visual Reminders

3) Have a Gratitude Partner

4) Make a Public Commitment

5) Change Your Self-Talk

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