Zero Steps Forward, Two Steps Back (to 1864)...

So you're happy that the Arizona Supreme Court has reverted to an 1864 law banning abortion, even in the case of rape or incest? Good for you. 

*slow clap* 

You're probably one of the people who rejoiced or gloated when Roe vs. Wade was overturned. I know you didn't consider that there were 65,000+ rape victims, including children, and victims of incest who would now be forced to carry their traumas to term so you would feel you had done your self-righteous job and could pat yourself on the back. I know you didn't consider the women who very much wanted their pregnancies, but their pregnancies were now not viable. I know you didn't consider having to watch a real, live woman grieve and process even more trauma just so you could feel like you got a "W" for righteousness.

But I get it. 

I used to go to "pro-life" rallies and believe that I knew what was best for everyone according to scriptures that were intentionally mistranslated and misinterpreted to push an agenda. I used to march in Washington to declare my support for embryos... that is until I realized that pro-gestation is not equal to pro-life. 

When it hit me, my mind opened and quickly started to change.

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When I used to attend those rallies, my support for the unborn did not extend past the completion of gestation, nor, from my personal experience, does it extend past that period for most "pro-lifers." But all I had to do was meet real people who had been in the positions I mentioned and try to put myself in their shoes. Empathy.

All I had to do was a tiny bit of research to understand what the actual statistics were on abortion in the United States, and that they were not what was relayed to me by agenda-driven fearmongers. Talk to women who had had abortions, whose stories were real and were not embellished and pushed by the right-wing, "pro-life" agenda. Truth.

All I had to do was imagine that I had a young daughter who had been assaulted and was now carrying something inside her body that, every minute, reminded her of the horror she experienced. Compassion.

All I had to do was talk to many adoptees, adopters, and birth moms about how adoption didn't go as they thought it would, and that it was more traumatic in the long run than they had expected. Grieving with those who grieve.

Being pro-gestation and believing your personal, religion-based stance is correct and should apply to everyone sounds so good when you're in the righteousness bubble. But...

Unless you are willing to vote for legislation and funding that aids those who give birth to children they were forced to keep and the unwanted children who are born and end up being abused and neglected, you are not pro-life.

Unless you are willing to adopt growing children and adolescents who are in the foster system (not cute little babies), you are not pro-life, and you should never tell a woman (or little girl, in some cases) that adoption is the best option for her.

If you can do research on the number of lives that have been taken by mistake to enact the death penalty and still support such a barbaric practice, you are not pro-life. One mistake is too many.

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If you're considering this Arizona decision a "W," here are some tidbits for you. Let's discuss some other legislation that Civil War-era Arizona enacted in the same code, shall we? Remember that all of this legislation was written by one white man, Judge William T. Howell, and aptly named "The Howell Code" in 1864. The elected officials then approved the code.

In 1864, "The legislature provided that '[n]o black or mulatto, or Indian, Mongolian, or Asiatic, shall be permitted to [testify in court] against any white person,' thus making it impossible for them to protect their property, their families, or themselves from their white neighbors. It declared that 'all marriages between a white person and a [Black person], shall…be absolutely void.' (Richardson, H. 2024)" 

They also determined that the age of sexual consent should be 10 years of age...gross. Dueling was made punishable by up to 3-5 years in prison. Someone could be imprisoned for 2-5 years for trying to administer poison to a pregnant woman unless it was a doctor who was trying to help save her life. The legislators granted two divorces, one for a male member of the House of Representatives. They also established a county road. Yay.

So, in 1864, twenty-seven white dudes enacted a series of laws that, among other things, openly discriminated against black people and other people of color and determined that 10-year-olds were able to consent to sex (Richardson, H, 2024).

So if you're happy that Arizona is reverting to an 1864 law, why not revert to all of them from that same code? 

Oh, that's right. 

Because they do not recognize the rights and personhood of anyone other than white folks, specifically men. And somehow we understand nowadays that that is not okay, buuuuut...

Starting Over

I started this blog back in the 2010s. I have hidden most of my old posts because I am starting again from (almost) the beginning of a new season of life, in a different frame of mind, and in a belief system that has changed pretty dramatically.

If you're looking for Gratitude Sarah or Super Positive Sarah, you have come to the wrong place, sorry. 

That version of me lived in a lot of denial, or at least the gratitude posts and the happy-go-lucky posts masked a person who was sad, isolated, questioning, and raw--a person who curated her vulnerability. 

BUT,

I am learning to speak my truth, whether it looks good to others or not. I am in therapy and becoming a therapist. My children are officially adults. I am learning that I belong to myself. I am in the middle of earning a master's degree, which is something I always wanted to do. I am singing in a band, which is something I always wanted to do. I haven't run long distances in a long time because running serves a different purpose for me now. 

Life has been interesting, to say the least. But I am more at peace now in many ways, and I am living more authentically than I ever have.

So if you want to join me on this new ride, please do. I am not sure where this is going, but I'm ready to see what's ahead.

Thanks for being a part of this new season.

Lots of love,

Me

Deconstructing a Life

This post was written in 2021, and since my deconstruction began (I did not choose it, and neither do most people who have deconstructed) I have faced a lot of fears and long-held beliefs that I now realize after much thought, introspection, and research were not correct. By no means am I "complete," and I don't think I ever will be in the area of faith deconstruction. There are a lot of moving parts, and there is a lot to work on, including the effects of purity culture and religious trauma. So, if you're reading this post, know that I was in the beginning stages of what I now know will be a lifelong journey. 

Love, Sarah

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I'm deconstructing.

If you know what it is, you're probably in it, too, or you've already been through it. I've realized I'm entering into a deconstruction phase in pretty much every major area of my life. It started years ago, when pieces started falling out of the structures that were built for me, the things I always saw as "definites." I denied them and built up braces and retaining walls to hold everything in place, even though the structures didn't really belong to me because I had no hand in building them. But they were comfortable, even though they weren't mine.

Those retaining walls are now crumbling. 

It's happening all at once, and I can't stop the avalanche. I just have to be open and ride the wave of debris that is now tumbling. I can't outrun it anymore. 

It's not pretty. But it's real.

I'm just in the beginning stages, where I am allowing myself to think, feel, ask, agree and disagree, research, listen, and read. As I said, it's happening in every area of my existence. It's not necessarily a rejection of the major constructs in my life. But it's an acceptance that it's time to let everything come apart, so I can put the pieces that fit back together. I've been trying to make some pieces of the puzzle fit for most of my life, but I couldn't understand why I kept trying to no avail. Perhaps they're just not meant to fit.

Deconstruction is a process of grieving--yes, there are stages, and they're almost all painful. It's a process of questioning. It's a process of disillusionment and allowing yourself to feel and express anger. It's a process of opening yourself up to childlikeness--the freedom to ask hard questions with an open heart, some without easy answers. It's believing that you are lovable, even if others don't understand you or accept your feelings as valid. It's allowing yourself to have feelings, positive or negative, however they manifest themselves.

But I think that, unless you go through this process at some point, your faith (or lack of faith), or even your life, will never be your own. You will always feel like you are living someone else's life, someone else's faith, someone else's reality, and you'll feel obligated to keep up the facade of having it all together. 

You'll always feel like an imposter.

Some people find a new level of faith through deconstruction. Some people lose it. I think we find what we are meant to find if we are seekers.

I was standing in the shower today with tears streaming down my face. This deconstruction period has emptied my reservoir, and I'm seeing all the trash that was thrown in the water over my lifetime. Some of the trash is mine, but most of it is stuff I picked up from other people--things I accepted and made to be truths that were not meant for me. Deconstruction is part demolition and part trash pickup.

Here are just a few of the issues I've seen coming up in me recently:

• I have never been able to truly receive love or to love myself as I am
• I have never felt like I had ownership of myself or agency over my own life
• My faith has never felt like it's really been my own
• I have never felt "good enough" or had a sense of belonging
• I normally live (or lived) my life according to obligation, not according to actual wants and needs
• I have had questions I was afraid to ask or get answers to
• I don't feel worthy or like I belong anywhere
• I keep most people at arm's length, especially if they are in any position to hurt me

None of these issues are easy ones. Are they life or death? No. But they hit me at the core of my being. They are issues that have to do with the deepest parts of my heart--the places where no one else is allowed to go.

I think what hit me today, emotionally, was how much time I have wasted throughout my life not being my authentic self. I wasted time worried about what other people would think, when, really, no amount of worrying can change what people think of me. I always considered myself to be a "what-you-see-is-what-you-get" type of person. But, really, I'm a "what-I-want-you-to-see-is-what-you-get" type of person. My therapist says that, until now, I've been very calculating about my vulnerability. I let people see the guarded version of me, and allow them to think it's the truly vulnerable, authentic version. It's not.

The vulnerable, raw version of Sarah, however, is a rare sight. Most people will never see it because I curate what I feel is a palatable list of qualities, and that is what I show to the world. I've always done that. 

In the past, I kept up the appearance of being the happy pastor's kid, the cheerful college girl, the compliant pastor's wife, the relaxed young mom. None of those were really me. I didn't trust anyone, especially not church people--so much so that I occasionally had church people exclaim that they didn't think I ever had any problems when I would open up about my struggles. I didn't truly trust my heart being in anyone else's hands. I guarded myself from everyone, especially if I ever got an inkling they could ever hurt me.

I understand now, though, that I can't ever really love myself unless I open up to trusting other people to know me and love me, too--the real me. As someone who never really individuated or took the time to find who I was and appreciate that before I started climbing the ladder of accepted life milestones, I am just now finding it to be a necessity. I MUST learn to accept and love myself. I MUST find a place in my heart for understanding faith and what it means for me, not for anyone else. I MUST learn to be the real, authentic me, wherever I am.

Deconstruction can happen at any time in any part of your life. Sometimes it's a choice. Other times, as it has been for me, it starts as a trickle of little questions. Then the avalanche happens, and you just have to let it happen. I realize I've wasted too much time not being me. I don't want to do that anymore.

One of my friends who knows what I'm going through sent me this song and said the last part made them think of me. I get sad when I think about how many people waste their lives on trying to be something or someone they're not, just to make everyone else comfortable. I don't want that to be me.

The wind blows clear my memory
The pages start to turn
Then suddenly I'm singin'
The moment that I learn

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days, I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
Then I'm gonna smile a little
Maybe even laugh a little but
One of these days I'm gonna love me

--Tim McGraw 

"One of These Days"

A Valentine Letter

I wrote this post to myself in 2013. I have only just started learning what all of this really means. Older, wiser, perhaps a little more jaded. But I'm here. Love, Sarah

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Dear Myself,

I know I don't usually participate in Valentine's Day happenings very often, but I wanted to write you a little letter to tell you how I feel about you.

Every day I'm learning to love you more and more. Not just for who I think you should be, but for who you really are. I'm learning that you need love from me just as much as you need love from everyone else, and I want to learn to give it.

Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of you in the mirror, I don't immediately see the beauty there. I see wrinkles and ripples and stretch marks and sags. But what I need to stop and really see is the true beauty of a heart that is full and open. I need to see you for the dreamer, the writer, the runner, the singer, the traveler, the loving wife and mother, and friend that you are. You are lovely just as you are.

You are becoming who you were meant to be and you are letting go of the things that have held you back. I know there are times I've hated you and called you names. I know there are times when I've let other people do the same and I haven't stopped them. I regret those moments when I didn't stand up for you. But I want to change that...

I promise that every day I will look at you in the mirror and tell you that you're beautiful, and I promise to do all I can to make you remember that. I promise to love you, even when I don't want to, just because you are worthy. I promise not to hold you to an impossible standard, and make you feel worse when you don't meet it. I promise not to expect perfection. I promise to forgive you. I promise to remind you to take time for yourself and recharge. I promise that I will do everything I can to keep you positive and proactive.

I'm grateful for you. 

You are loved. You are who you are for a reason. There are gifts in your heart for the world that only you can give. You are worthy of real love. You are worthy of great friendships. You are worthy of the unconditional love of your children, though you don't always feel you deserve it. You are strong. You are capable. You are valuable.

I want you to remember the words in this letter, especially on days when you don't want to.

Love, 

Me

What makes a person "Pro-Life?"

This post was written in 2012, but many of my sentiments are still the same, though my beliefs have changed in some ways.  Love, Sarah

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I hesitated (more than a couple of times) before clicking "Publish" on this blog post. 

There are lots of questions and thoughts I've had swirling around in my mind over the last while about the topic of abortion and what being "pro-life" really means. Attending the March for Life earlier this week brought some of them to the forefront for me, and my husband told me I should blog about them. So here I am. I'm working through my feelings on this topic.

Some people may be offended. Some may not. Some may agree with me. Others won't. I know that, and that's okay. 

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This week, I took part in the March for Life. It takes place every year in January to commemorate the Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion. There were around 500,000 people there (despite what the news media said...or didn't say).

I bet if you asked around at the rally, most of the people there would say that they are "pro-life." But I think if you look at it realistically, a majority of those people are really "anti-abortion," not "pro-life." 

There's a difference. 

You see, nominal pro-lifers--usually Conservatives (but not always)--tout the sanctity of human life. However, I can't reconcile the fact that many are so passionate about protecting an unborn child, but they are fine with murdering that child when he's grown into a criminal on death row. That's not pro-life. 

A human life is a human life. If we say we truly believe in the sanctity of human life, that means we don't get to pick and choose between who we save and who we murder. 

For the record, there is no difference in my heart between those who are pro-abortion and those who are pro-death penalty. You're killing a human being either way. I love you, but I don't agree with you.

It's that whole "thou shalt not kill" thing that I take seriously, I guess. I don't believe it's right to return evil for evil.

Yes, I know it's the law in some states, but that doesn't make it right in my heart. Yes, when you break the law in a particular state, you bear the consequences that come with that crime. If the consequence is death, it's death. Not much you can say to that...but, again, that doesn't make the issue right in my heart, and I refuse to vote for someone who boasts about the number of executions his state has carried out (I won't name names). 

(Aside from all of this is the number of death row inmates who have been found not be guilty of the crimes they had supposedly committed. How many innocent people have been murdered because of our need for the "eye for an eye"?)

I was having this "pro-life vs. anti-abortion" discussion with one of my friends the other day and she asked me how I would feel if one of those murderers killed my child. If I'm honest, my first instinct as a mother would be to kill him. That's my vengeful human nature. I would probably hold hate in my heart. I would probably try to think of the most horrifying, painful ways I could carry out my revenge. That's my sinful nature, though.

That's not what God would want me to do.

I hope that if something like that were to ever happen to me or to someone I love that I would eventually find God's grace to be sufficient. I hope that I would realize that I have been forgiven much. I hope that I would allow God to love through me, despite my urges to exact revenge. I know I would hurt deeply for the rest of my life, but I hope that I would at least be able to let go of the desire to return evil for evil.

On top of the issue of "pro-life vs. anti-abortion", many of those protesting don't seem to think of all the issues that surround abortion. 

Okay, so we change a teenage girl's mind and convince her not to abort her child. Then we pat ourselves on the back for our valiant efforts and drop the situation there. 

What happens to this child? 

If his mother keeps him, does he live in poverty? Is he on welfare? Does he have access to health care? Does he have the opportunity for a quality education? 

If his mother decides she can't keep him, where does he go--into an already overrun foster care system? If he stays too long in the system, we all know it's unlikely he will be adopted. The sad truth.

We want to save the babies, but not take care of them as they grow up.

So YAY! Good on us for saving a human life...but, truthfully, we aren't doing anyone any favors because we aren't making sure that child we "saved" has the opportunity for a decent life outside the womb. We "save" him, but then we vote on issues that doom him to a life that is less than we'd accept for our own children.

During the rally, people were talking about Tim Tebow and the fact that he was saved from abortion, as though his mother's story is in any way the typical abortion story. It's not. He's the Christian champion du jour, but the fact that his mother--a missionary--didn't abort him is really not that surprising. 

Tim Tebow seems to be a great guy. I'm not against him as a person. But he was not an unwanted pregnancy. His mother wasn't a unmarried teenage girl. He wasn't the consequence of an unprotected one night stand or a rape.

The latter are the people who REALLY are at the center of the abortion issue. Asking a missionary to keep her wanted pregnancy and asking a scared teenage girl to keep her unwanted pregnancy are two opposite situations.

Another blogger used the term "pro-birth"...because that's really what many people in the pro-life movement seem to be. It seems that our concern for the child stops at birth, when he or she is no longer the adorable fetus-in-distress we envisioned when we donned our anti-abortion superhero capes.

Abortion has been legal for decades and, if we're honest with ourselves, there's no end in sight at this point. I really don't vote at all based on the pro-life campaign topic because there are so many other issues that are relevant to right now and CAN change the life of a child who is spared from an abortion (or change the lives of MY children, for that matter). 

I will always peacefully protest abortion. I don't believe it's the right choice, even though I know that God has given everyone the right to choose.

So this is my challenge. If you call yourself a "pro-lifer", think about what you mean when you apply that term to yourself. Are you REALLY "pro-life" or are you really just "anti-abortion"? They are two very different things.

What would it mean for you to truly commit to being "pro-life"? Realize that being "pro-life" means that you believe that you desire to apply God's mercy to those who are innocent and to those who are guilty. God's mercy doesn't discriminate between the innocent and the guilty.

The guilty bear the consequences of their actions (as we all do), but is it really right to spare one life and end another?

If you are truly pro-LIFE, when you vote, think about how the issues you vote on will affect the lives of the children you're trying to save. How will you vote on welfare? How will you vote on health care and Medicare? How will you vote on issues that affect the economy and the future job market? How will you vote on education?

As you can see, my thoughts surrounding this issue are a little black and white. I know there are gray areas to every issue, but I feel strongly that there really is a line between pro-life and anti-abortion. I won't vote Conservative just because a candidate says they are pro-life. I will vote on issues. How that will go this time around, I don't yet know, but I am keeping my eyes open and not blindly following after someone just because of their supposed stance on abortion.

I'm praying that God guides me. That's all I can do.